I'm not ready for another letdown like I had two weeks ago...building myself up only to have my excitement crushed due to a mistake in measurement. I was assured by the specialist that nothing would go wrong this time. His office would stay on top of the situation and make sure the sizing was correct this time. I sure hope so because I'm tired of waiting. I don't particularly care for life the way I've come to know it in these past months. I've lived it and gotten by only because I have no other options. My survival instincts have become finely honed. I really want some semblance of a 'normal' life back.
These past two weeks have gone even slower than the prior five months. Time seems like it's almost come to a standstill, though it continues to pass. My wait goes on, though not for long. Most of my moments, I've sat thinking about all I want to do. That sitting alone has made me want this so much more now. There's so much I've missed out on I need to make up for. I can't do it all at once, but I'm sure going to try. There are things that are lost forever I'll never be able to get back. There are also things I'll be able to enjoy even more now.
Sitting...thinking...wishing...hoping. I want it all. I know I'll be going faster than what's been recommended. I've had to push life to the limits so far and my desires have become even stronger. I won't be content just standing around waiting to learn. I'll be teaching myself, as I've done in the past. There will be yet another whole new way of doing things, as I re-learn how to get around and get by. Just as I've achieved success since I've lost a leg, I will accomplish all I want to do with a new limb. I must! Again, there is no choice in this matter. That's just the way it has to be; the way I want it; the ultimate outcome.I have my shoe and sock in a bag to carry with me to the prosthetic specialist's office. I'm ready to dress my new foot and slip that new leg onto my nub, roll down my pant leg and walk. I know I'm going to be told no going overboard; to take things easy. In due time, all will come together. It's also known I won't pay much attention to what I'm told and will be doing my own thing. I'll have much intense therapy, which I'll work my hardest at, but heaven helps those who help themself. I am blessed with a strong mind and an even stronger will. I've been the one helping myself up to this point, alone for the most part, and I'm not going to let myself down. My struggle goes on but my battle will become easier with every step I take. I can't hold back. I have to put my whole being into this process just as I have making it to this point.
Getting here has been tedious. There were times I wanted to give up. There were times I could do nothing but sit down and cry. Then, I lifted my spirits and went on...because I had to. I refused to be defeated. I wanted this victory more than I've wanted anything up to this point in life. I needed to prove to myself I was a winner...and I am coming out on top to realize my goals...and my dreams. I have taken a tragedy and turned it into triumph. I have become a much better person through my loss. Others have noticed. I have noticed more.
I've been called an inspiration. I don't see myself as that. Others have said I've helped them make it through rough times in their lives. I wasn't the one who did that. Those people did that themselves. They were the ones who found the way to get by just as I did for myself. My story may have ignited a spark and helped to motivate them, but they were the ones who came up with the solution. I was not directly involved other than maybe being a small catalyst. If anything, you are the ones who have inspired me and renewed my faith in being accepted no matter what I look like or what challenges I face. The love and support you've expressed toward me is what's comforted me when days were dark...and now the light is about to shine with much brilliance.
My Gather family and friends have been here for me every step of the way, whether my stride has been assisted by a walker or by crutches. You've read and responded to the words I put forth. You encouraged me to get involved with the current Gather picture promotion to help make the time fly by. It's your fault I turned into a point whore on top of being a cookie ho. Post I did, with each photograph going up bringing me another minute closer. In excess of 1,000 minutes were passed sharing images, which received almost 3,000 views and over 1,500 comments. I have been 'rewarded' with over $250 for my 'participation' thus far; money that will allow me to experience a few things I haven't been able to in awhile. Though most are simple, it's the little things I've missed the most.
I'm not looking to win the grand prize camera; opting to leave that for someone who really needs it to capture those special moments in their life forever. Those moments are what I thought about as I went through and deleted most of the images I've posted over the past couple of weeks. I left up my 'Top 25'; the ones which received at least a dozen views; memories that are special or silly to me...and to others. It touched me to see the most viewed was a simple picture of myself sitting in the summer sunshine at a sidewalk cafe with a smile on my face while enjoying coffee and a visit with my best friend, Scott.
There's another of me being goofy wearing a pair of Mickey Mouse ears...and one shot of Scott and I together; one of the most cherished images I have. Some of my favorite things are among the top pictures; a cookie, an ice cream cone, a cake...things I've had to cut back on but not totally eliminate. There are so many things from life included that others have chosen to view; animals, structures, nature, patriotism, flowers...even a guy's bare butt and a pile of cow poop. (In France, I think they pronounce 'manure' as man-yer-ay'..sounds so much better when you say it that way.) 
I wanted Scott to be able to see me walk before he went out of town for his job for the next several weeks...one less thing for him to have to worry about. That didn't happen. When he returns, though, I'll be able to walk right up to him and give him a huge hug that I know he'll need...that only a best friend can deliver. I think about all he's going through compared to the little bit of stress I'm facing; away from home working a different shift in a new place surrounded by new people, not getting to be with his new puppy or his guy, his mother being gravely ill in the hospital and him not being able to see her. I can give him words of reassurance over the telephone, but there's nothing like a warm embrace to make him feel better. Once I'm standing in front of him on my own with arms wrapped around one another tight; I know neither of us will want to let go. On this Labor Day, a yearly tradition reminds me my wait is just a day away. It makes me think more and be thankful for what I have. I see those on the Muscular Dystrophy telethon and realize it could be much worse. I'm lucky I only lost a leg. I'm able to have the opportunity to go on living, while these people continue to deteriorate and ultimately face death from the ravages of a terrible disease. I see how brave they are in their struggle to stay alive knowing it's only a matter of time before they succumb. While their heads may droop, they continue to hold them high and go on...with hope. They battle to move their limbs, speak or simply breath. I look at them and then myself. If they can continue a losing battle, there's no reason I...nor you...can't do the same with what we're facing. As long as we're alive; there's still a chance...there's always hope.
I've thought about the first thing I'll do when I get home. Even if I still have to use my crutches to steady myself, I'm walking up the street...on two feet...to the corner cafe to sit and reflect on being a 'whole' person once again with both legs. I'll be wearing my sunglasses; not because it will be too bright, but because the light shining upon me will most definitely bring tears of elation to my eyes. One more day..that's all. One day away; one day at a time; one day is all it takes to make a difference. Today is what it is. Tomorrow is a whole, new story. My day to shine is almost here. When you next see me, I'll have changed once again...and I can't wait to show you. I hope you'll like what you find. I know I most certainly will.
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Comments: 53
Cheers!
really though - good luck, kisses and prayers for you :)
*hrmph*
:-)
I will be thinking of you tomorrow, friend.
There was a picture of you in the Mickey Mouse ears and I missed it???
She says my being here, in this room, or sitting in front of the T>V> is bothering her relationship and that is what is her priority. OK> I will go. It is back to the camper in the woods again, miles from anywhere, no phone, no tv and no computer. So if you don't hear from me, know I will be thinking of you "Standing Tall" again. IT will help keep me going. I am not down about it. I am sad tho. There is the off chance I won't make it. But I refuse to listen. So hang in there these next hours, and I hope I get to be here on the pc when you finally win. I wish I had a cookie. Or a brownie. :)))))) EllenB
God Bless tomorrow and all your glorious days ahead!!
see ya soon...
What a great attitude !!!
With that and your perseverance....running the 10K's gotta be next. :)
" I hope you'll like what you find. I know I most certainly will."
We already do, always have. Knock em out man, you got $250 to go blow, WOOT!!!!
My thoughts and prayers will be with you today my friend.
Love ya!
~E
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