A Eulogy For a Book With Some Sondheim Thrown Into the Mix

Nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around

Nothing's gonna harm you, no sir, not while I'm around.

         Dear, Tatum O'Neal, your book, 'A Paper Life' was there for me when I needed it the most. 

Demons are prowling everywhere, nowadays,

I'll send 'em howling.

I don't care.  I got ways.

            It was election night 2004 and it looked like my boy John Kerry wasn't going to make it.  At the time I wanted to believe in miracles but I was too much a realist.  I saw the polls.  I knew it was close in some states.  I also knew that in a few key states the electronic ballots were controlled by businessmen of the Republican persuasion.  It didn't look good.

No one's gonna hurt you.

No one's gonna dare.

Others can desert you,

Not to worry, whistle, I'll be there.

            So I purchased your book, fully knowing that despite your confessions of divorce and heroin use, that it was going to be what I would refer to as a fluff read.  I bought it in hardback because it had just been released.  Do you remember you were on Oprah?  Yes, you were.  That's where I heard about your book.  I have to admit that I was intrigued by your life.  You were a child star who seemed as if you were abandoned around the age of ten (maybe?) by your father and your mother was in no condition to keep you either.

Demons'll charm you with a smile, for a while,

But in time...

Nothing can harm you

Not while I'm around...

            To be honest, just between us, I always have this joke in mind, since all of your siblings through your father have all been drug dependent at one time or another; perhaps your dad should write a book about parenting.  I know that is harsh, forgive me. 

Not to worry, not to worry

I may not be smart but I ain't dumb

I can do it, put me to it

Show me something I can overcome

Not to worry, Mum

            How do I say this delicately?  I can't really.  I didn't think 'A Paper Life' was that well written.  You confessed that you missed out on a large part of your education, and after reading your autobiography, I believe it.  Yet, if it is any consolation, that night of the election I went to, more like I was forced to, J___'s home for her splendid 'election night party'.  You know what sucks more than having your candidate lose (policy wonk that he was, I still loved Kerry) to a man you consider evil?  Going to a party where everyone feels the same way you do. 

            So there I sat on the floor with your book propped between my knees reading as I tried not to listen to J____, M____, and J____ bitch and moan.  Yeah, you counted right (at least you had that much of an education) it was an election party of four people plus J____'s kids who were also bitching and moaning.  So there were five people bitching and moaning and me reading your book. 

            Tatum, get this.  J____ notices her heat isn't working so she, being totally Type A personality, has to call a repairman, which I know she then will insist that someone stay with her in case the repairman that she found in the yellow pages turns out to be some serial killer.  I tell her I don't feel well, and that wasn't a complete lie.  Usually when I have more wits about me I don't allow someone to bully me into driving forty miles round trip for an election party where we kind of know beforehand that our guy is going to lose.  When she called me earlier in that evening to ask when I was coming over I tried to use your book as an excuse but she yelled at me, "Get you're a$$ over here I bought a cheese tray!"  Since I had blown off the Democratic Headquarters party I almost felt obligated, after all, she had already purchased a cheese tray.

Being close and being clever

Ain't like being true

I don't need to,

I would never hide a thing from you,

Like some...

            So the day after the election I finished reading your book.  Believe me; I had to have something to distract me from my melancholy.  Well, I told C____ that I was finished reading your book and she really wanted to read it so I gave it to her.  She read it and then passed it on to her sister who then passed it on to their mom.  From there it was stuffed in some bookcase probably in J____ J ___'s basement because she is a bit of a pack rat. 

            At some point C____ sees the book at her mother's and collects it.  Lately, she has been selling everything to Half-Priced Books including that book her husband's mother gave him for Christmas a few years back, 'How to Take Care of Your Aging Parents'.  If you knew anything about his relationship with her you would understand why he wasn't amused although that story amuses the hell out of me and I'm glad I have finally been able to use it in my writing.  She asked if I wanted your book back, otherwise she was going to sell it.  Now, you would understand why I would object.  After all, it was me, not her, who paid full price for your book, so I told her I was going to see if my cousin Paula wanted to read it. 

            I'm sorry to inform you Tatum, but apparently Paula just isn't that in to you.  Now don't take offense, Paula has been busy, she redecorated her bedroom, she has all these 'People' magazines she hasn't read yet, so you can kind of understand.  'A Paper Life' is a few years old and you have already had been arrested again for trying to buy drugs from an undercover cop.  BTW, blaming the your dead dog was genius. 

            I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm going to sell you to Half-Priced Books.  I know, I know, I have a lot of books; I keep a whole bunch that I shouldn't after reading them.  I always think that at some point I'm going to pick up those non-fiction reads and use them in my writing.  Really, you shouldn't be offended.  You know what I'm thinking?  I'm thinking that if I sell your book then maybe someone else will buy and read it.  Think about that.  A whole new owner who will probably have friends who are also interested in child actors who peaked at eight, but you are going to have a comeback, I just know it.

            You know, it's all good.  I'll have my pleasant memories of your book.  It will always be the book I was reading when I skipped out of J____'s party and forced M____ and J____ to remain with her until one o'clock in the morning.  I'll make a dollar or two and your book will find new readers. 

No one's gonna hurt you, no one's gonna dare

Others can desert you,

Not to worry, whistle, I'll be there!

Demons'll charm you with a smile, for a while

But in time...

Nothing can harm you

Not while I'm around...

Westerfield © 2009