I used to work in a senior living community, which was recently renovated to include a special wing for people with Alzheimer's and dementia. Before moving to the new wing, the people with Alzheimer's and dementia just lived in the Skilled Nursing wing, where they basically sat around and did nothing all day. Supposedly, in the new wing, their lives would be enhanced with activities! While working at that senior living community, I became very attached to several people with Alzheimer's and Dementia. I couldn't stand the thought of them just sitting around in the Skilled Nursing wing doing nothing all day, and I tried my best to talk to them and engage them whenever I was working.
So, I was glad when I read this book, Creating Moments of Joy, which is all about finding ways to allow people with Alzheimer's and Dementia to have the highest quality of life possible.
While most of us are able to reflect back on the past, including what we did an hour ago or a week ago, and also look into the future and think about what we will do tomorrow or ten years from now, in the book, Brackey points out that people with Alzheimer's and dementia only have this moment. So, it is important to make each moment count.
For instance, think about a woman who is constantly asking where her parents are, or where her husband is, or where her children are. Many people who work with those with Alzheimer's or dementia assume that it is best to repeat the truth over and over again. "Mrs. Johnson, your parents died forty years ago. Your husband has also passed away. Your children live in different states." However, Mrs. Johnson probably does not recall the last forty years or longer. In her mind, those years have not happened.
Imagine if, right now, you found yourself sitting in a strange place, unaware of how you got there. When you start asking questions about where your spouse and children are, you are told, "Your spouse passed away. Your children live far away. Please calm down." Would you calm down? Most likely you'd become frantic, confused, and distraught, right? The book suggests that a better response would be to join the person in the moment that they're in. Give them the reply that they would expect to hear, in the moment they are living in. "Mrs. Johnson, your husband is at work," you could say, or "your children are sleeping over at a friend's house tonight."
Sure, it is not exactly truthful, but in this case, being truthful is not the most important thing. The most important thing is giving the person peace of mind, and happiness, in that moment.
The book makes lots of suggestions for building relationships with people with Alzheimer's and dementia, as well. The main idea is always to join the person in their moment, instead of trying to bring the person back to your moment.
For instance, imagine an adult daughter that goes to visit her mother, who has Alzheimer's, in a nursing home. The mother looks at the daughter and demands, "Who are you? What do you want?" When the daughter tries to remind the woman, "Its me, Mom, Helen! Your daughter!" the mother gets angry and shouts, "Get away from me!" or just shakes her head and ignores the daughter. The daughter goes away, heartbroken because her mother no longer remembers her.
But the truth is, the mother and daughter are not in the same moment. In the mother's mind, her daughter Helen is a small child. Who is this grown woman trying to convince her that she is little Helen? How dare she?
What if, instead, the daughter shows up to visit her mother, and brings a photo album full of childhood photos of herself and her family. The daughter introduces herself as a friend. Now imagine the scene.
Daughter: "Hi, Doris! I'm Helen!"
Mother: "Helen. That's a nice name. That's my daughter's name."
Daughter: "I know! Look, someone gave me this book of photos. Is this your daughter?"
Mother: "Why, yes! That's Helen when she was two years old."
Daughter: "She's beautiful!"
Mother: "She is beautiful, isn't she! I remember when this picture was taken. My husband and I took Helen to the zoo to see the animals... but she didn't even care about the lions and tigers and monkeys! She was more interested in chasing the pigeons around on the sidewalk!"
Now, the mother and daughter are sharing a moment together. They get to relive the happy memories, and the daughter may learn some things that she never knew about herself and her mother!
For anyone who works with people with, or has a family member with, Alzheimer's or dementia, this book is definitely worth reading. You will learn about how to connect and reconnect with the people in your life, and how to make every moment a beautiful one for them.
This book is available from Bookwise.
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Comments: 11
Both of my parents are heading in this direction. You have never seen such a difference in their changes in personality. My father may not always know what is going on but he is always happy. He is a pleasure to be around. Adults, teens, even the little kids love being around him. On the other hand, my mother vacilates from weepy whiny complaining to rather vicious arguments and fault-finding. Even though we all love her, it is very difficult to be around her.
You want to show both of your parents the love and respect they deserve, but they are so different in this stage of their lives.
We did, unknowingly, and out of love, exactly what was described here. We learned not to aggravate her by trying to bring her "up to date" but we instead let her talk (as long as she could, and in any direction she wanted to go) and triggered what she COULD remember as long as we could.
She was a happy woman, and there was zero "mean" in her, her whole life. She didn't change with the disease, because, we are convinced, there was no repressed anger or hatred in her whole soul. I was blessed to be with her every weekend (giving dad a break) for the last 10 years of her life. I wouldn't trade a minute of it, at all. And, still, she lives on--the gifts she gave her six kids will shine on in her grands and great grands. She created a heck of a ripple of love in the world.
Thank you for this article, it's nice to know that we fell into the knack, out of sheer affection and respect. I'll buy the book and pass it on. It sounds a worthy read.
Wilka
> dementia assume that it is best to repeat the truth
> over and over again.
It is understandable, but a long time later you will kick
yourself for thinking this way. We have no ideas until
something like this happens to a relative what it is, how
to handle it, what to do, so many conflicting things.
Thanks for this article.
In dealing with my Mom's dementia, I found that
simplifying the environment helped a lot. Every
little thing in view is a possible distraction, and
possessions are as well, at least possessions
that one has to manage, clean, arrange, etc.
And as people withdraw into themselves their
primary family, parents and brothers become
way more important to them, and the unresolved
realtionships.
I can only hope that we come up with some kind
of cure for Alzheimer's and dementia, it is a terrible
thing to see someone you love slowly dissolve
from the inside while staying the same from the
outside.
We learned to laugh as well as cry and accept that I was the keeper of her memories--a role I felt honored to accept.
I wrote every day--capturing the chaos, sweetness and frustrations along the way, and I didn't sugar coat how very difficult and heartwrenching caregiving can be because I knew that wouldn't help anyone. But there's still so much to learn and enjoy along the way.
Our story (I was a sandwich generationer with kids, hubby, and mom all under one roof) became a book, and now I get to help others with their journey.
Creating Moments of Joy is a book I recommend as I give caregiving, Alz., and Parkinson's talks around the country.
Thank God for encouraging words!
~Carol D. O'Dell
Author of MOTHERING MOTHER: A Daughter's Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir,
available on Amazon and in most bookstores.
www.mothering-mother.com
This disease teaches us so much and gives us so many gifts. We may not be aware at the time they're gifts, but in the long run we do. The largest gift is not to look forward, not to worry, and live only for the moment, whether we have a disease like Alzheimer's or not. We can learn and change so much if we only look deep into the person. Every nursing home who has Alzheimer's victims should go by this rule, 'The Moment'. Again wonderful review.