I am minding my own business. Really. Just looking for a suitable bottle of red to douse the night. I hear this voice and I can't tear myself away. I stand there pretending to be lost in the nuances of a lush berry cabernet versus a plummy petite sirah. I wonder how long I'll be able to stand here before I look like a lush or an eavesdropper-not sure which is worse at this moment. There are two young women and they are standing in front of a rather hefty display of holy saint candles. The candles are right there in the International aisle-in case you might be looking for them. Right there between the jalapenos and the hummus. Really.
Each candle is about nine inches tall-and tubular-with a saint's picture on it-or a Virgin. There's the Virgin Mary, Virgin de San Juan, Saint Therese and the ever popular Virgin de Guadalupe. I have often passed these little wonders on my way to the taco shells and have wondered about the market demand for such a thing here in southern New Hampshire. I don't mean to be disrespectful. It just seems like a long shot, marketing- wise.
One of the gals is quietly perusing the display. Her friend is a bit more vocal. As in, you can hear her Boston accent three aisles away. She's on her cell phone and she's talking to Bobby (Bawby). She has very long brown hair that is permed and streaked with shafts of blonde- like lightning. Her pink shirt is too small, too tight. Revealing a tummy that is tanned and more than likely, a little pregnant.
"Yeah, Hi, Bawby? Yeah. Tell me. Who's the saint that yaw sista' prays to....why? I just wanna know. Who's the saint that yaw sista' prays too? What's so hahd about that? Why? Because I'm heah' at Shaws and I wanna buy a saint candle. We can use tha' help. Why? Because whoeva' is the one yaw sista' prays to, I don' want nuttin' to do with it, OKAY? What? No! I'm not weird. I am not! I'm not weird. Screw you! Just tell me!Why? Why? Because she's into that witchcraft, Bawby. And I don't want nuttin' to do with that. Remember the guy with the cane?"
She starts reading the prayers off the labels for Bawby. I hear the Hail Mary...she stumbles over the word ,"thou".
I grab a bottle of something red and head for the registers. I say a Hail Mary for the babe. And the guy with the cane.
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Comments: 25
Third para, start with the "Bawby" sentence. You don't need the 'back to my story or to repeat there are two women. It makes the reader remember there's an author, takes the reader out of the scene you're trying to create.
You don't really need to hype the reader with 'I tell you no lie.' If you really want the story to be about the wine drinking character than the candle story is only one scene and you need more about the wine drinker. But if it's simply a slice of life into the idea that someone could shop for candles that way, then you don't need the wine drinker's take on it. Readers like to make up their own minds, and when you tell them what's coming or what to conclude, you imply that they are too stupid to make that conclusion on their own. You also spoil the punchline by signaling that something outrageous is coming.
If you don't think you agree with me, try it without the author's intrusion and see if it doesn't work as well or better.
I love to eavesdrop.... to a degree.... more than noseyness, more like curiosity. Some people are comedy, some scary, some confusing, material is everywhere. I'm glad I am not the only one who likes a peek when people have their guards down.
Have a great day
Kristina
Sorry I didn't comment yesterday. I was reading and laughing too hard at the funny traffic on Humor Monday.
And I love reading accents particularly from such an accurately cruel POV. This was a hoot!