We know,
The brisk of the morning
Lives beneath
The dead of the night
And so,
The halt to our moaning
Lies within
The strength of our might
So strange....
Like a chess game
Nothing comes
If none goes
Unless dead and gone
This, we now know
The frailty of our pedecessors
Bequeathed us this judgment
Their frail we must not trail
For our eyes has many at times
Feasted on the filth faeces of this sphere
So, enough must be our might
To overcome the ravavages of this night
It is for this reason we live.
It is a race
It is our quest
One we must face
If moist be our thirst.
It is for this solemn reason we live
And our all, we do give.
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Comments: 24
Is the rhythm all you want, or was this done at once?
with many thanks Noble
Mark
At times your words swirl around... I'm known for swirly writing. I'm just now beginning to recognize the shift between swirly meaning, that which might surprise the reader and bring unexpected new understanding... such as this... "The brisk of the morning / Lives beneath / The dead of the night..."; That's really strong imagery and has layered meaning.
Then with my own writing, there are times when the words won't convey what I want to say. Of course, that's true for me often in spoken conversation! I sense a place or two where that might be a challenge for you in this piece.
Keep them coming. Enjoy looking back over your work as well. Often change suggests itself.
if u read deeper than d 'lyrics'. u could grasp d intent and drive of the poem sequel to its meaning. tanks
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Thanks for posting to my group, Anythingwriting
You'll have to bear with an old lady just a bit, if you'd like me to participate in your explanation above.
"The brisk of the morning
Lives beneath
The dead of the night" That kicks butt!... it's classically lyrical.
"For every brisk morning [fortune],
there was a dead night [hindrances], so, (that read like the I Ching)
4 d light to shine it must overcome
d heaviness of dis night, hence this
being up to d strength of d might."
You are multilingual in your lyricism. Between the two, you've spanned time or eras and styles of expression. My hat's off. I like best the clear water expression of the first, however.
It's more universal. It could be interpreted long from now and would still sing out your original intent.
Thanks for commenting back. A conversation about writing is always good!
I like this:
"The frailty of our predecessors
Bequeathed us this judgment
Their frail we must not trail" ~ though unfortunately...each era leaves schtuff behind. Maybe someday we'll all work together. The Reason We Live may someday be to make things better for subsequent generations while in the present.
Thank you for resubmitting this to The Surreal Circus Noble.
Ade