I musta been really mad.

Forward:
I just found a folder full of stuff I wrote in High School and college. Some of it is just teenage ramblings, but I remember exactly why and for whom I wrote this particular poem.
It was 1994, and I was attending Lima Technical College, now called Rhodes State.
I met her in the school's Christian Fellowship group after my then fiance join because he was panicked about my association with a local Wiccan circle, where he thought I was going to get hurt. The group was supposed to help me return to finding spiritual fellowship within "the" church, where I was supposed to be safer and not get hurt. Oh, the irony... :P
Eventually, I broke up with my fiance, realizing that he couldn't love the woman I was, and I couldn't be the woman he loved. It was the hardest break-up of my life, because I really loved my fiance and didn't want to see him hurt, but I couldn't chicken out, so I did see. I'd rather be dumped a thousand times in a thousand cruel, humiliating ways, than break up with him again even once.
I remained in the group. I'd made friends there, especially with a couple of guys who were into the same stuff I was - nerdy stuff, of course - RPG gaming, graphic arts, and writing. I developed a rebound crush on one in particular, who turned out to be a confused dork.
She was soooo mean to me... backstabbing, trying to make me think I was crazier than I am, turning around everything so that I felt like everything I did was wrong. When she found out who I was interested in, she put on the red light, and the dork showed his true colors. (...not that I hadn't figured him out before. My poem The Blade was written about that guy, and was part of my process of learning that self-discipline doesn't involve punishing one's self! Some day I'll post the one I wrote about his ego.)
Anyway, instead of trying to compete, I went out with someone else, but that led to more trouble and more meanness. I wasn't allowed to date anyone she knew, not even acquaintances, or I was "systematically going through her friends" (the original accusation for that was over one guy) and everything I wore, regardless of style, coverage, etc. was slutty. I was being snotty if I said anything intelligent, and playing dumb when I kept my mouth shut, etc. Eventually, I just abandoned the group and went back to my circle. The poem was written well before I left.
The poem is based on the conflict between the natural tendency to be angry over mistreatment and the resulting desire to get even, and the meaning (to me) of two very important tenets of Wicca; the Wiccan Rede, and the statement that Love is the law. Both religious philosophies are supposed to be based on love, yet between the two of us, it was hard to find even a drop of it.
It is hard to reconcile rage with  love, "perfect"or not. I've since come to understand that regardless of philosophy, human love is not perfect, that all relationships are flawed, that I never really got to know that particular friend, and that most of what happened at the time happened only because I permitted it to happen. I stayed in a toxic relationship after I knew it was toxic. It was really pointless to even be angry at all. I probably would have figured things out sooner if Roy Sheppard had come along sooner with his book, Venus, the Dark Side. Though Mr. Sheppard writes about women who abuse men, the info fits a lot of female friendships - abusive women are mean as hell to their friends. I have a post linking to his Youtube site.
This really has no format. I cold probably revise it and make it "proper," but then it wouldn't express what was within me at the time.

Redebound
Love brings warmth, but hatred is not cold
Fiery coals lit within the breast burn through the eyes
Within my pain I feel the touch of your vicious lies
My mind wants to strike back like a child
My body runs away
Not for my safety
But for yours

Love brings warmth, but hatred is not cold
Fiery cols lit within the breast burn through the soul
Within the smoking haze my anger steals control
And the pain I want to return to you hurts me even more
Bringing me to my knees
Where no one answers
But me

Love is the law; Hatred is a lie
It says you have no worth because you hurt me
I know the pain of one is the pain of all, for all are one
I do not like what you have done, but I must love...
My dear frie...
My trusted...
...whoever the hell you are