Tales from Leprechaunia 84
Father Ignoble's Oversight
Young Father Ignoble walked into the secluded courtyard of the headquarters of the most Holy Leprechaunia Church. He sat on a park bench and contemplated on everything that had happened over the last few days and wondered where on the earth he'd gone wrong. He pondered on why it had suddenly come to this ... his immediate transfer the following morning to the post of Chaplain-in-Chief in the Royal Leprechaunia Navy. Not assigned to a shore post in Port O'Cork but - according the the Press Gang Authorization signed by his ecclesiastic superiors - posted directly aboard the hot-air balloon carrier, the Flying High. The very thought of it made him feel seasick!
Until five minutes ago, Father Ignoble had been the private secretary to erudite Monseigneur Pierre Frank O'Cork, a half Leprechaun on his father's side and an enchanted frog on his mother's side. The young priest idly wondered if he'd absent mindedly served the monseigneur frog legs for supper, then dismissed the thought. The last can of frog legs in French sauce - hidden carefully on the back shelf of the huge walk-in-pantry - he'd wolfed down down, with the pantry light off and door firmly closed.
But perhaps he'd transgressed somehow in his co-joint function as personal assistant to knowledgeable Monsignor Tony Coliseum. The monsignor saw himself as the next Holy Father, if only he could get the present incumbent, Pope Inconsolable 1, to sip from a chalice of hemlock-laced bloody Mary. But Father Ignoble dismissed the idea that he'd inadvertently offered Monsignor Coliseum an unlaced chalice of this blood red nectar - he couldn't have made that mistake because he'd downed the bloody Mary himself as a chaser to the frog legs.
In his function as gatekeeper to these learned and faithful sons of the Church, the young priest was sure that he'd performed his duties diligently by turning away everyone and everything to allow them to continue uninterrupted in their devoted plotting to overthrow the Holy Father. To that end, they had left nothing to chance. They'd even contacted the lovely Sister Virginia to whom Big Papa had offered the appointment of Mother Superior of Vestal Virgins if only she'd pole dance for him in the choir loft and then ....
But the two loving sons of the Church had offered her the post of Holy Mother of Vestal Virgins if only she'd console Pope Inconsolable 1 with a chalice of hemlock-laced bloody Mary. Of course, Father Ignoble knew both offered appointments would be spurned by Sister Virginia. She'd already accepted his offer of Principal Pole Dancer to Unfrocked Monks ... with this depending, - as an interim step to him becoming Pope Ignoble III - him first being appointed head of the Inquisition, enabling him to dig out the dirt on all the cardinals.
But Father Ignoble simply couldn't put his finger on the mistake he'd made in the last few days. He'd deftly dealt with the matter of some freak who was willing to pay handsomely for the Church to produce and sell the Giovanni MacO'roni Hit Man Book of the Dead. Why anyone would want a book of dead baseball players who'd hit home runs was beyond the priest. But he'd accepted the commission on behalf of the Church and hand balled the task to the nearby seminary. That would keep the young trainee priests occupied and away from the choirboys for a while.
And on the matter of producing the book, he'd promptly spoken to the envoy sent by Professor Einstein O'Blarney-Stone, the Vice Chancellor of the Royal University of Leprechaunia. The envoy, no other than Colonel Karl Kaput of the lost 69th Sauerkraut Pansy Division, was told that as a special favour to the Vice Chancellor, the book would be religiously produced - listing all of the baseball players who'd made the supreme sacrifice when hitting home runs.
Standing stiffly to attention in his black Severe Stormpoopers uniform, the colonel nodded gravely and gave his very best stiff arm New Age Zombie Investiture salute, as only a master race Goblin could do in honour of the fallen baseball batters. He agreed with the priest that the book should be buried with full military honours in consecrated ground.
Father Ignoble also reflected on the more important meeting with Professor Egghead McBoffin who'd come in brandishing a grubby blue fruit that he declared to be a Catholic potato. He assured the professor that the Church would carefully investigate this stunning horticultural breakthrough in regards to its theological implications for Catholic fish and chip shops. And after the euphoric professor had left, Father Ignoble had dispatched the possible Catholic potato to a neutral laboratory for evaluation. By express carrier pigeon, the grubby blue object was sent to Mr Fu Chop Suey, the owner and of The Leprechaun Garlic Prawn restaurant. The priest asked him to deep fry the spud and pigeon and then send them back as a take-away in sweet and sour sauce.
On the matter of the Catholic potato, Father Ignoble had also read the letter from Professor Einstein O'Blarney-Stone, hand delivered by Understormfuhrer Heidi Von Tramp - the former star of the Severe Stormpoopers Chorus Line at Stalingrad on the eastern front during the Fifth Sauerkraut War . He told Heidi to inform the Vice Chancellor that he concurred with the professor's learned conclusion that the blue potato was not a revelation from God - indeed, it had to be a hallucinogenic from Hell! Thus it had to be a pagan potato - the very root stock for Protestant potatoes! The priest suggested that such hellish potatoes would best be deep fried with magic mushrooms and served with scalding chili sauce to heretics. He also asked the Understormfuhrer to inform the professor that he, Father Ignoble, would now be doing his Doctor of Divinity studies by correspondence; and thus his own intercession for the professor's Papal knighthood would accordingly be delayed by the length of time it took for the requirements of the DD degree to be completed.
As to Heidi's impromptu inquiry whether there was a vacancy for a dancer in the Church's Vestal Virgin's chorus line, Father Ignoble indignantly said there were no virgins in the Church - that's why everyone wore black. And he promptly ushered her out!
But now the priest rose up and walked out of the secluded courtyard, back to his room to begin packing. For their parts, erudite Monseigneur Pierre Frank O'Cork and knowledgeable Monsignor Tony Coliseum each sipped a holy water on the rocks as they studied the map on the table. They were looking for the weak points by which the Vatican could best be stormed by their battalion of choir-loft-hardened altar boys.
The now stone cold pot of tea and still full cups remained untouched on the sideboard where Father Ignoble had placed them. These had actually been intended for the Archbishop of Cranberry and Mrs Blunderbuss whom the priest had headed off at the pass ... but Father Ignoble had instead absent-mindedly served them to his two learned superiors. And they wouldn't dream of committing the mortal sin of drinking The Evil Addiction - a heretic brew beloved by the devil. Obviously, the young priest's ambitions had gotten the better of him ... he must have sold his soul to Satan and was trying to send them both to the burning pits. A stint in the navy would show him where his best earthly interests lay ... after that, the devil was welcome to the jumped up, ungrateful little bastard!
See also:
Tales from Leprechaunia - series 1
05 Widow Weeds
09 On the Wagon
Leprechaunia the Brave - Lyrics
Leprechaunia the Brave - Lyrics (re-posted for St Patrick's Day 2009.)
Tales from Leprechaunia - series 2
17 A Werewolf-Vampire by Any Other Name
20 Serendipity
The Leprechaun Stood on the Burning Deck - Lyrics
Tales from Leprechaunia - series 3
22 The Three Wise Homeless Leprechauns
23 The Three Wise Mummy Leprechauns
24 The Three Wise Nun Leprechauns
25 The Three Wise Hari Krishna Leprechauns
26 The Three Wise Buddhist Leprechauns
27 The Three Wise Pilgrim Leprechauns
28 The Three Wise Unemployed Leprechauns
29 The Three Wise Academic Leprechauns
30 The Three Wise Associate Professor Leprechauns
Leprechaunia the Olde - lyrics
Tales from Leprechaunia - series 4
32 First Casualties of the Second Vegemite War
33 The Battle at The Slumped Leprechaun
35 The Victorious Vegemite War
36 The First Goodwill Expedition
39 The Last Post for the Fallen
40 Blessings
Tales from Leprechaunia - series 5
43 Sister Minty
45 Fellow Travelers on the Road
48 Plotters and the Sergeant of Police
Tales from Leprechaunia - series 6
51 The Royal World Mud Wrestling Championship
54 Captain Pegleg Sook & Spotted Dick
56 The O'Mohican-Leprechaunia Nation
57 The United States of Leprechauna: a Potted History
Tales from Leprechaunia - series 7
65 The Holy Association of Hit Men
69 Hitch-hikers
Tales from Leprechaunia - series 8
72 On the Cards
74 The Widow Peg O'Blarney-Stone Unleashed
75 The Royal Leprechaunia Navy
77 The Discovery of Protestant Potatoes
78 The Theological Problem of Protestant Potatoes
80 The Revelation of Catholic Potatoes
Tales from Leprechaunia - series 9
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Comments: 27
For the life of me, how do you ever keep all these characters in your mind?
As to the characters ... Vegemite accounts for that. LOL
http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474977889252
I'm still laughing over this line-- and debating whether I should email it to my mother. a devout Catholic. Thank you for posting to The Surreal Circus.
ROFL
From N.A.Z.I. to Blue from Hell potatoes, you certainly give us a full itenerary of Father Ignoble's actions, thoughts and duties. Father Ignoble seems just as incompetent and off the wall as any other Priest and certainly there are many possible reasons for his demotion in the first 90% of this chapter. The Evil Addiction did him in. This is like an Aesop Fable warning.
Sorry to be so late, but I must brew my ...,