less than 2 weeks away

In case you didn't already know, I'm having surgery on June 20th. If you'd like to catch up on the story, check out this article:
http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474977356942&nav=MyGather

I'm still nervous about the surgery, mainly because there are so many unknowns. I don't know how it will go. I don't know if they'll find more problems with me once they get in there (which the doctor hinted could very well happen). I don't know if we'll ever be able to have more children of our own. I don't know how much it's going to cost. And, I don't know how I feel about the whole situation.

I haven't really processed all my emotions yet. I'm scared, anxious, nervous, terrified, fearful, and worried....plus a bunch more emotions I can't even begin to explain. The course of the rest of my life will be determined by the outcome of this surgery. Either I'll be ok and be able to have more children with fertility treatments, or I won't be ok and will get the grim diagnosis that I fear most....the one where they tell you they can't help you. The one where they tell you it was worse than they thought, and they had to take my ovaries, or uterus.

Along with that, I'm in a little pain on a daily basis. I get these terrible cramps that feel like contractions when you're in labor. I get shooting pains in my side where the golf-ball sized cyst is growing bigger and bigger each day attached to my ovary. I'm uncomfortable when I sleep. I don't want to sleep on that side, since I've been told that it could rupture, causing many more problems. I can't get comfortable when I'm sitting either, since I tend to lean to the left and rest on the couch cushion, but the left is where the giant cyst is....and if I lean, I get more pains.

I was told not to lift heavy objects, or do any exercising. But try not to lift anything heavy when you're a stay at home mom to a 3 1/2 year old boy. My son doesn't understand what's going on. Sometimes he'll just jump in my arms wanting to be picked up. I can't tell him no...he won't understand and he'll cry.

So, I'm counting the days till my surgery comes. Hoping I get some answers to all the questions I have at my pre-op appointment which is a few days before the surgery. Hoping that it goes well. Hoping that we'll be able to expand our family soon. Hoping that the insurance won't stick me with a HUGE bill, even though I already know they will. Hoping that somehow we'll be able to pay off the medical bills soon, even though they are piling up faster than we ever expected. And, I'm gathering to help pay down those bills.