Would you tell?

Oh thats a tough one!!!

It would depend on what it is. Will it change their life, does it endanger a life, does it involve something illegal?
Then you need to figure out if its your place to tell your friend that they need to tell their spouse or that you are going to tell them Give them 30-45 days to tell before you do!
You know in your heart what is the right thing to do! Follow your heart and go from there..
Just my two cents

I wouldn't tell the spouse, but I would probably eventually lose respect for my friend and not want to be such good friends with him or her seeing how he or she can outright lie.

I think I agree with Jennifer on this one, but it really is a tough one, and I honestly cannot give you a straight answer.

Like Jennifer, that would definitely change the friendship status. You may eventually have to back away from being a friend. It's not fair that such a large secret has been placed on your shoulders. This is definitely a tough problem.



Part 4 More on Mood, Thoughts and Creativity

I don't think I'll ever tell. I agree Jennifer, I'm definately losing respect for the one lying. It's just hard because I am friends with both of them. If it was any other situation, I could just cut ties with the friend who's lying and be done with it. But I don't want to lose the friend who doesn't know what's going on because of it.

To answer your question Melissa, it's nothing illegal, nobody cheated, nobody's life is in danger. But, I honestly don't think that the other person would have gone thru with the wedding had they known this secret. It's a definite life-changing secret.

You should keep it.....That person confided in you & if you told how would that make both of you feel? I have told secrets & it hurts you more than the people you are telling it to.....you will lose friends over it....but if you don't care about losing your friends then say something...but yeah that is my thought ;o)

I wouldn't say anything to anybody at anytime, ever. Because... A) ignorance is bliss. B) If you say something, at least one of them is gonna be pissed at you

If no one's life was in danger, I'd keep my mouth shut and never betrayed the friend who told me the secret. It isn't your marriage, and do you truly want any part in the demise of theirs? And when and if it all comes to a head, I'd never mention that I knew. No, I wouldn't lie if I were questioned but I'd never volunteer any information.

Well I think Jennifer said it best - I would have lost respect for this friend - by confiding in you - they put you in the middle and having to lie/avoid is a strain on you and the relationship you have with both people - I think I would slowly back out of this connection and find some other people to hang out with. Yeah - it sucks - but as you said it's not your place - but why get stuck in the middle all the time????

The secret behind secrets is one word….control. Secrets, or keeping something from others, is a form of control

It's a bad idea to keep secrets from anyone. Not always telling the truth—the whole truth—is a mistake, too.

Sooner or later, that secret, the whole truth, is going to be revealed. When that happens, a loving relationship based on trust is damaged. People are hurt more than they would have been if everyone ( AND I MEAN EVERYONE) had simply been honest from the beginning.

the other Spouse has the right to hear the truth, even if it's a harsh truth. The other spouse has the right to make his or her own decisions, and in order to make the best ones possible, he or she needs to know all the facts. You are hurting the friend that you are keeping the secret from. You are as controlling as the perpetrator and you are enabling them.

While it's not unusual—and it's certainly understandable that an adult would want to shield a friend, by wanting to protect him or her from as much worry as possible, doing that is also selling your friend short.

Of course it will add to his or her worry! Of course it will upset him or her! Some things in life are very worrisome, are very upsetting, but worse still is being excluded from this friend when the truth comes out and believe me it will sonner than later and you will lose both friends!!!!!

You need to keep in mind getting the secret out into the open means more than simply stating it out loud. It means being there for your friend as they too acknowledge the harsh reality that must be faced.

Do not I implore you keep anyones secret anymore. Tell the person that you were controlled by them when they drew you into this secret stuff and that you will no longer abide it. Give them a set time to come clean and if they do not it is your job to do so with the other spouse.

When you start lying to your friend or begin withholding information from him or her, harm is being done.

When the truth comes out, and it always seems to at the worst possible moment, it can take a long time before trust is reestablished.

"Why didn't you tell me?" is the natural question.

"What else have you been lying about?" comes next.

"What else are you going to lie about?" follows.

You may truly have your friends best interest at heart. You don't want to upset them, you feel it is not your place.
But, again, it comes down to this: Your friend has a right to know. This friend needs to know if he or she is going to make informed choices.

Keeping secrects is a sin !!!!!

Wow, pretty forceful there, April H., but I have to agree!
I think the truth should be told. Definitely give plenty of opportunity for your friend to tell. If your friendship is truly valued, you can "threaten" (for lack of a better term) to sever it due to the stress it puts on you when you are with them.
Oh, I would hate to be in your shoes, but you must do the right thing.

April, you hit the nail on the head.I agree with you wholeheartedly on everything.

The friend holding the secret may have told you,because he is relying on your friendship with the spouse.He knows you will be uncomfortable keeping this secret and is hoping you will go to her and tell.That lets him off the hook so that the heat will be on you.

You will have him angry at you for telling,but how will your friend feel if she finds out you knew and didnt tell her?If you were in this situation,what would you want?

The end result will be the same.You will either have one or the other mad at you,or you will be withdrawing from them because it is too uncomfortable for you.Either way,the relationship will never be the same now.

I wouldn't say a word and would do my best to truely forget what I know.

If there ever came a point where I didn't care about the friendship any longer, then I would probably divulge. Because once I opened my mouth, I would no longer have these people as my friends. Any relationship is about trust. One of these people trusted you. Betray that trust, and *poof* no more friendship.

I wouldn't say anything, I did before and lost both of them as a friend. That may happen to you also. I would let them know I am not comfortable knowing this, and
I would just forget about it.

I think it was really unfair of your friend to tell you something so major that has to be kept a secret. I don't think you should tell, but maybe you could find someone like a priest or a therapist who is bound to keep your secret. You might feel better if you could just tell someone.

I know the feeling. We are friends with this couple. She has done and said things, that make me wonder. I have been friends with her husband for a long time, her only about 4 years.

I know she had lied to her husband about things. I know this, I wanted to tell him, but I will not risk my friendship with him.

When he does find the truth out, it will be the end of the relationship. I just sit and wait to see what happens.

It is best to keep your mouth shut. The truth always comes out in the end.

It is hard and everyone has great comments, this is a hard one too, I hope all goes well and things work out for everyone.

I would have to distance myself from the one that is holding it back, but I would not tell the other. It isn't my place, my right or really, my business.

I would wonder what kind of friend would tell me that tidbit....Didn't they realize that it would put you in a horrible position? Didn't they care about your feelings??

A secret is a secret...unless someone is in danger

I would not. If a marriage broke up or became very stained because you did you would probably feel guilty.

Jill,
I bet everyone is dying to know what the "secret" is.

If their marriage is stable now and you would only do harm by telling the secret, I'd leave it alone and not tell. If you do, you will be enemies of both. The person that told you about the issue might have been relieving their guilt by using you as the messenger but that will put you in the middle of the storm.
I would gradually withdraw from the friendship or you may get sucked into more drauma.

......................Is it a disease or religion, or maybe a felony conviction?

:) :) ;)

marty

I just have to add my 2 cents. I just wonder how long they have been married? But if it's not life threatening I would leave it alone. As the saying goes "What is done in the dark will come to light." She/He will find out one way or another. But you were put in a bad place. I would not allow this person to tell me any more of their secrets. Soon as they came near me with their hands cupped near their mouth I would run away. Hope all of this works out for you. Keep the faith that it will.

Too late to tell now....you will be in trouble with both of them

i don't think it is your place to tell, you can go to the one who told you and try to convince them to tell

a thought about what Krissy said, what if later it all comes out in the open and the one keeping the secert says to the other person, well i had told Jill long time ago, either way it sounds like your caught in the middle... because then that one's going to be upset because you didn't tell them knowing you knew the whole time. ????

That is a tough one. hmmmm. I would urge the one with the secret to tell the other. That's my only thought for that right now.

Does somebody have a communicable disease? A convicted child molester? A felony rape or murder conviction? Another spouse and family?

Otherwise, I'd have to keep my mouth shut. But I'd tell the one with the secret that you don't want to discuss it. It was unfair for them to lay the burden on you in the first place.