I was raised in a very strict family and in a big city. I was never allowed to go anywhere without my parents knowing where I was, who I was with, and when I'd be home. And, I wasn't allowed to go out with friends without my parents or date until I was 18. My brothers and sister and I were all raised in this strict house.
We couldn't go out and play in the yard unless our parents were watching us. We were driven to school and not allowed to walk, even though school was only 1 block away from home. We all had a great deal of respect for our parents and behaved as we should. We weren't perfect, we acted badly just as all kids do from time to time. But, there was no drinking, no drugs, or anything like that.
School was a priority in my family. My mother stressed good grades. We were all expected to bring home A's all the time. In fact, my brother and I were Valedictorians in High School. We had to have all of our schoolwork and chores done before we ever even thought about watching television or playing.
My husband was raised very differently. His family had very few rules. The kids were all allowed to drink underage as long as they called someone for a ride home and did it at a family member's house. Yeah, right! Three of the Five of the kids in my husbands family have at LEAST one DUI, so obviously they didn't even pay attention to the one rule they had. (My hubby is NOT one of them by the way).
They were all allowed to go out whenever they wanted, with whoever they wanted, and could stay out as late as they wanted. Their parents never knew where they were or who they were with. He was raised in a small town where there are more cows then people.
They socialized in school instead of spending that time on learning. And out of the 5 of them, only 1 (my husband) graduated from college. The others were lucky to get through high school.
I think that being too strict or too flexible can lead to problems. I think my husband's family was WAY too flexible and let their kids get away with way too much. His parents tried to be friends to their kids instead of parents. I also think my parents were too strict on some things, but just right on others. I think there needs to be a very careful balance between the two.
How were you raised? Do you think that being too strict or too flexible and easy going with your kids can create problems?
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Comments: 27
I don't think that my parents were strict... mostly they worked, and we managed.
As far as going anyplace, I wanted to know where and what and who. Even now, since they are all living here (and my son is married), I expect courtesy. If you have joint meals, or someone would normally expect you in at a certain time, you should as a courtesy let them know if you won't be, and what time to expect them so you know what to do about locking up and animals. I actually had a neighbor come over to my house when I lived in the projects with my kids, and ask me if I had seen her 9 yr old. When I said no, she shrugged and said, oh well, she will turn up sometime I guess. I cannot imagine letting a 9 yr old have that much freedom, and not caring when they will be in or anything. Some of the letting people know is also a courtesy to the people you share a home with, and I did raise my kids on that idea too.
I have also found in my own family now the oldest had the most restrictions, the youngest now rules the roost!!
I only had a curfew ones, and it never happened again.
My upbringing of my sons is in between. I know I will be more strict than my parents were in regards to certain things, because I live in a different place in a different time, yet I also feel that some rules are necessary.
Children NEED to know that you love them and will stand by them BUT they have to have rules AND they NEED to know the rules - no one is clairvoyant - TALK to them and always show an interest in what they are doing AND who their friends are AND do NOT tell them a certain friend is NOT good enough (unless he/she has been arrested or suspended from school or something similar).
Freedom without rules is just asking for trouble.
I raised two sons who had a LOT of freedom and they are both college grads, have jobs, one is married, both own homes, and have never been in trouble.
Lucky? maybe.
If I had kids, they would be raised pretty much like this; I think being too strict doesn't teach a kid much of anything. Unfortunately, my fiance was raised in a very strict household, and he would want to raise the kids that way. Needless to say, we aren't having children.
I see now you do need more freedom than I was given at first.
But again, too much freedom as a child could also be a bad thing.
Great topic!
I was raised by my stepmother and father. They were stricted. But with 5 kids, 4 with in a year of each other..what do you expect. We lived out in the middle of no where. We weren't allowed to go anywhere, have any friends, no one was allowed to call or come over. Heck, when my real mother call we were only allowed to talk to her for 3 mintues for my two real sisters and I. That equals out to 1 mintue per child and is not long enough in my opinion. My two real sisters andI all ran away from home at one time or another. But all left home at the age 18 and never went back.
Now, my oldest sister lets her kids run wild. because she remembers what it is like not to be allowed to do anything. I tend to try and find the middle ground, but my husband wants to be the kids friends. So that creates problems with us. My younger real sister tends to be on the stricter side with her kids. But she does family things with them and takes them places. Right now they are all little. So we will see as they older.
So, I would say my husband is lucky to be normal. He never did drugs or was into drinking like the others. He never got a DUI. He did graduate college with honors. He has a good job and a family. So, whenever we disagree about how we should discipline our son and he says something like "that's not how my parents raised us," I quickly point out that he's lucky to have survived that situation in one piece. LOL
When it came to raising us, they were clueless. They were permissive one day, stricter the next. The ONLY consistent message was this: get good grades. Why? My mother hadn't graduated high school and my father hadn't had the money to attend college. Education was everything to them and they had to make it in the world without college. Back then, college wasn't a "given" or a necessity but they'd longed for that education. They ended up being VERY successful but always felt a bit inferior because they lacked those degrees.
Because there were few family rules, I knew the downfalls of that. I'm a bit strict with my kids and all of them actually came to see the benefits of organizations. My guys can cook, wash clothes, keep their rooms and common areas clean. They have curfews, bedtimes and a time for homework. Chores are expected, nothing too bad, but just the teamwork of being in the family. Taking out the trash, helping to clean, feeding the cat and changing the catbox, being responsible for their laundry, washing dishes. We trade off on chores.
Honestly, I find far more families have money issues than parenting ones. But when they do have parenting issues, the kids can really suffer.
I wasn't allowed to have a lot of sport stuff because I might get hurt. My dad tells stories about how hard he had to fight my mom so that I could have a bike.
What did all of this do and more for me??? It made me afraid of the world! I spent years passing up opportunities to try something new lest I should break the little porcelain doll that my parents made me feel like. I could go on for hours!
I think that you need to give a little rope so that kids learn lessons and learn to trust their instincts and decisions. This way, they do it while the mistakes that they make are small and you can help steer them to better ones.