Love yourself enough to say no to others

Very true, indeed. Sadly, a lot of people give of themselves as "payment" for being liked, rather than just giving because it is a "right thing" to do.

Nice, pure, innocent thoughts. Just wish it was that easy.

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Please do read all the articles under Life Issues it will help you in many ways. I will be posting one daily each day or will be posting even more each day.
Thank you for being a part of my group and dont forget to read all the articles as they are benificial to you in a lot of different ways.

I am fortunate enough to be a stay-at-home mom to two young girls (and as of late 2006... caretaker for my aging grandmother). A few years ago, it seemed like everyone thought that I had time to spare. At church I was asked to teach Sunday school, to be food captain to provide meals for our sick members, to be an active part of our ladies' monthly dinner (not just one of the ones who just came to eat and enjoy), and to help coordinate VBS... and this was all in just a few months time. This wasn't the first time I had been asked to do what I felt was more than my fair share. But being of the "golden retriever" personality... sensitive and not wanting confrontation, I always said "yes" even if I knew I didn't want to do it or didn't have the time. I had no time for my daughter or my husband. I was always studying my lesson, calling others to provide food for the sick... or many times cooking the meal myself, or something else associated with the church's work. I finally started saying "no." I didn't give explaination. I didn't think it was warranted. I did make several people mad because I was always one of the ones they depended on to get work done. I reached a point that I had to think of ME, my needs, and the needs of my family. To this day, I am constantly asked to do extra stuff. But, I keep my obligations under control and give back responsibilities (like turning food captain over to someone else after doing it for 2 years) so that I can help with new things.

Oh yes, very good article! It's always amazed me when people that do not talk to you on a regular basis [from church or some other group] have the nerve to call you up and ask you to do things that are either grossly inconvenient or are expensive and it was coming out of your pocket. That was my stand after saying yes for ever so long [because I wanted to fit in at church so bad!]. If the person asking wasn't someone who at least made the attempt to say hi to me once in a great while, then I was not saying yes to anything they came up with. It sounds mean I know but when people aren't friendly to you unless they want something from you, then they are using you and in a not very nice way. I will of course ocassionally, grossly inconvenience myself or pay for stuff if its someone who makes a point of being at least friendly to me once in a while. And if they are friendly to me all the time, well, the sky's the limit for them! Not really but within reason. Family has to come first before anything [time, money, etc] can be shared with others.

I had always been a "YES" person myself until I started feeling that ugly resentment and horrible feeling of being used. Not the way you are supposed to feel at all but got asked one too many times until I started thinking of creative ways to avoid the people which wasn't good either until one day the light went on. I thought long and hard about it and decided that the people that were doing the asking were asking because they knew that I always said "YES" and what a joy it was and what a freeing experience it was for me to be able to say "No" I am sorry I can't help you this time; maybe next time. Its that simple. Well, maybe not that simple because it took me many, many years to be able to master it but now I feel so free that I actually feel good when I am asked to help out. For those of you still struggling with this, I'd recommend taking a deep breath and then saying a nice "Sorry, I can't this time, maybe I can help out next time..." Hope this help someone out.

Esther S.

The best way to be ready to protect your real priorities is to have several ways of saying no that you are really comfortable with. Suprisingly, real reasons are best.

"I wish I could but I am not free then."

"I am sorry but I have filled all the time I have for outside commitments. Maybe another time."

"My child...my spouse...my parent...my work...(or any combination) are taking all of my time now. I would feel terrible if I let them down by not doing as I promised."

"I am too tired to be useful to anybody right now. Thanks for thinking of me but I will have to pass this up."

More people say yes because they did not see the request coming and, out of politeness, just say yes.

Hope this is of some use.

Good point, however I differ with getting your energy solely from yourself. Humans are highly "Social" animals, it is OK to draw your energy from yourself when you need the solitude to think about other life tasks. You can draw vast amount of energy by helping others, seeing people smile and having a sense of satisfaction is more beneficial than any energy drawn from solitude of your own world(its like 1 Vs 3). The difference here is are you wanting to help others because you want to be liked? because if that's true thats like helping yourself or like Sigmund Freud might put it helping the "super-ego".

I am the perfect example of the proverbial doormat. I will do anything to help anyone even when I know they are taking advantage or bad mouthing me. My kids usally end up telling someone off before i do. (at least my older ones) Its like an addiction or something.

Definitley true. I have been on both sides and know that sometimes it is hard to realize that you are not truly helping.

In life it's hard to accept everything. One thing is so true, It doesn't help if your not doing it with a good heart. I had to learn the hard way. Being that my job is to help others I had to regenerate my helpfulness and reassure myself that help not only helps the person receiving the help. It provides a great deal of relieve to the helper. Therefore, when you feel that it hurts more than heal ask what you gain at the end of the journey. This will allow you to cheer up in a hard situation. Now can't everyone be as humble after being so hurt throughout life but there is still hope
DON"T GIVE UP. THE WORLD DEPENDS ON PEOPLE TO CARE. God bless our troops. If you ever think help didn't work think of the oversea crew doing thier jobs and still no one can see the beauty of revelation and remodification. Once again God bless the helpers of the world be we can't save everyone.

This article hits right at home. I am the type person that will do things for others even if I shouldn't. I just tell myself that I need to do it because it will make them happy. As long as others are happy then I have done my job. I have always been like this and I guess I will continue to be the same way by telling everyone YES!!

Love and Light. Yea that's the right idea!

I totally agree and understand. I too have been a doormat in the past but since I have started setting better boundaries my life has gotten better quality to it. I have the time to spend with my son and still help others. Setting boundaries has really been a blessing in disguise.

Great article and oh so true. Count me as one who has a hard time saying no, but everyone has pretty much slacked off on the requests since I'm disabled myself AND taking care of my disabled Mom. Now most of the people who I helped in the past have really been there for us, doing things we can't do anymore. Thank you my angels - you know who you are!

It is really hard to say no. I wish saying no would have been easy thing. I learned lots of lessons in my past by saying yes instead of no, still it is hard for me to say no.
Especially when other people get so used to our yes that it becomes hard for them to take no from us. But we need to learn that it is not easy or possible to keep everyone happy so it is o.k. to say no once a while.
Thanks for this article!

Saying no when need be is also a good test of friendship. Does the person you said no to get an attitude and think to themselves " What kind of friend are you!" or do they show the true friend qualitly by say" That"s ok I now how busy your are, perhaps I could help you with something to lighten your load."
And I have also learn that if I find myself kicking myself in the butt for saying yes then that's a good indicator that you need to re-approach that person and apologise for needing to bow at of the yes you gave them. Again a true freind will understand and a alternate solution is usually just around the corner any way.

Boundaries are essential; to learn to recognize what boundaries are needed for your individuality is a lesson needed by a large number of us.

I'm offering a suggestion for you to consider regarding your future articles. The color you've published this in, while is beautiful in and of itself, is 'harsh' for some of us to read. If this had been a long article I would have had to close it before finishing it, because it hurt my eyes (although this might be partially due to the slight headache I've been nursing today).

Very nice & very true. I used to be one of those people to always say, 'YES' to everyone when they needed me. I quit my job to start my own business, so I had a lot of free time on my hands. Anytime someone needed to go somewhere or do something, they called me. I ALWAYS said yes, mostly because I just wanted to make everyone happy. Even if I had something to do. But, I learned thru my experiences that it's okay to say no. With the Holy Spirit as your guide, you can't go wrong. I asked God to direct me in my everyday decisions, whether it was concerning others or just myself. You have to take some time for yourself, or you won't be a very productive person.

Knowing when to say no is a very important skill to learn. If I don't take care of myself first, no one else is going to do it. And if you don't take care of yourself, you will end up depleted and have nothing to give. I've always used the analogy of the part of the airline instructions when they tell you that in a certain situation when flying (in this moment I can't remember what that situation is) the oxygen masks will come down automatically. They always tell you to put on your mask first before turning to those who might need help putting it on.

Great article, Nikil. Love and light.

We can only give what we have; the only thing we have is what we are. If we refresh and renew ourselves daily, transcend this relative existence, "be without the three gunas", then we can only have more from which to give. And in this manner of giving, we also are blessed to receive. That's why it is blessed to give...

Of course we don't want to say "yes" so easily that others take advantage of us, but in an age as enthralled with itself as ours is, one wonders if telling people to "love themselves enough to say no to others" is really the thing to do. Self-centerness needs first to learn that our salvation is in helping others. Though we may be required to say no at times, the greated need of our age is empathy with and concern for the welfare of others.

oh, this is so true. And it's so EASY to give UP yourself when giving OF yourself.
I knew I had fallen down that slippery slope when my husband literally threw me out of the house, threw some money at me, and said "Go do something for yourself so you'll stop biting our heads off for any little thing!" I went and got a pedicure. They were super-busy at the salon, and forgot about me for a long long time. I got to just sit in the shiatsu chair and soak my feet in the hot bubbly water. I think it was the BEST money I ever spent.
I came home an hour later a renewed mommy, ready to nurse my daughter while wrestling my toddler son (at the same time)! When I came home, my husband critically eyed me, and said "that's better.". It's amazing how little you need for yourself to keep yourself sane. One good foot soak and I was renewed. Is that too much to ask? How come I can't remember to do that say, every 6-8 weeks? Why are these teensy indulgences the first to go so we can bake cookies for some school event? It's ridiculous.

I did an article about the same thing. Just say no.

What a great message!

Everyone makes one of two transaction in your life, withdrawls and deposits. If you are gettting more withdrawls, then stop and say no. If you get depoits, you can say yes. Simple!

So true!