This morning before breakfast my wife lobbed a verbal grenade into my coffee cup. She asked, "What do you think of my friend, Brunhilde?"
(Please note, my wife doesn't actually have a friend named "Brunhilde." This is a sophisticated literary device, known in the trade as "Making Stuff Up.)
Now to a newlywed or a male Cro-Magnon, this Brunhilde question may seem like a perfectly normal conversation starter. To a man who has been married for almost thirty-three years, however, the peril is clear; there is no possible answer you can give that can't explode on you.
Here's how it works:
(Please note, my wife doesn't actually have a friend named "Brunhilde." This is a sophisticated literary device, known in the trade as "Making Stuff Up.)
Now to a newlywed or a male Cro-Magnon, this Brunhilde question may seem like a perfectly normal conversation starter. To a man who has been married for almost thirty-three years, however, the peril is clear; there is no possible answer you can give that can't explode on you.
Here's how it works:
If you say the obvious, something like, "I think Brunhilde is great," there is a pretty good chance that you'll spend the next thirty minutes of your life hearing all about how Brunhilde is a two-faced trollop who can't be trusted. Then you'll get another thirty minutes discovering that you never stand up for your wife, and that you probably should just go right on ahead and run off with Brunhilde.
If, on the other hand, you say, "I think she's a two-faced trollop," you are likely learn that you never have put one iota of effort into really getting to know any of your wife's friends, and that you have no right to be critical of a caring, lovely, misunderstood person like Brunhilde.
So, for those newlyweds and male Cro-Magnons out there, here is a partial list of ways to navigate the conversational minefields you are sure to encounter with your wife.
Wife: "I think my hair looks horrible."
Husband: "Mmmmrowm."
Wife: "My brother / father / mother / sister is an idiot."
Husband: "Drowfl!"
Wife: "How do you think a rich girl like Paris Hilton gets all those men to buy jewelry and cars for her?"
Husband: "Nnnnngong."
I think you can easily see the pattern emerging here. In fact, the most successfully married guy I know has not said an intelligible word in his wife's presence since the early spring of 1966.
For those of you who feel some sick need to engage in or even initiate actual conversation with your wives, here are just a few things you probably should avoid saying:
"I think I really owe it to myself to have another couple of beers before Jack and I head out to the golf course."
"If you were just a little better organized, I'll bet you could get all that laundry done before you go to work."
"Geeze honey, maybe you should hit the old Stairmaster!"
"Hey, you know that girl I used to live with in college? Well, I ran into her yesterday, her divorce is final, and she's looking great!"
"How drunk do you suppose a guy would have to be before he could choke down this tuna casserole?"
Of course, a woman can get away with saying pretty much anything she wants to a man. Almost every married guy should be thoroughly accustomed to hearing things like:
"You aren't going to wear that shirt, are you?"
"Your brother / father / mother / sister is an idiot."
"Are you really going to eat another pork chop?" or the corollary, "Why don't you go buy some pants you can get that fat butt of yours into?"
"Have you been sleeping in a dumpster? Go do something with your hair."
"I'll bet Dave Barry's wife doesn't have to trip over six pairs of Dave's shoes in the living room..."
Ok, maybe that last one is just me.
Copyright © 2008, Michael Ball
What I've Learned So Far... by Mike Ball is a syndicated feature distributed exclusively by North Star Writers Group. If you enjoy this work, please contact your local newspapers editors and ask them to carry it.
If, on the other hand, you say, "I think she's a two-faced trollop," you are likely learn that you never have put one iota of effort into really getting to know any of your wife's friends, and that you have no right to be critical of a caring, lovely, misunderstood person like Brunhilde.
So, for those newlyweds and male Cro-Magnons out there, here is a partial list of ways to navigate the conversational minefields you are sure to encounter with your wife.
Wife: "I think my hair looks horrible."
Husband: "Mmmmrowm."
Wife: "My brother / father / mother / sister is an idiot."
Husband: "Drowfl!"
Wife: "How do you think a rich girl like Paris Hilton gets all those men to buy jewelry and cars for her?"
Husband: "Nnnnngong."
I think you can easily see the pattern emerging here. In fact, the most successfully married guy I know has not said an intelligible word in his wife's presence since the early spring of 1966.
For those of you who feel some sick need to engage in or even initiate actual conversation with your wives, here are just a few things you probably should avoid saying:
"I think I really owe it to myself to have another couple of beers before Jack and I head out to the golf course."
"If you were just a little better organized, I'll bet you could get all that laundry done before you go to work."
"Geeze honey, maybe you should hit the old Stairmaster!"
"Hey, you know that girl I used to live with in college? Well, I ran into her yesterday, her divorce is final, and she's looking great!"
"How drunk do you suppose a guy would have to be before he could choke down this tuna casserole?"
Of course, a woman can get away with saying pretty much anything she wants to a man. Almost every married guy should be thoroughly accustomed to hearing things like:
"You aren't going to wear that shirt, are you?"
"Your brother / father / mother / sister is an idiot."
"Are you really going to eat another pork chop?" or the corollary, "Why don't you go buy some pants you can get that fat butt of yours into?"
"Have you been sleeping in a dumpster? Go do something with your hair."
"I'll bet Dave Barry's wife doesn't have to trip over six pairs of Dave's shoes in the living room..."
Ok, maybe that last one is just me.
Copyright © 2008, Michael Ball
What I've Learned So Far... by Mike Ball is a syndicated feature distributed exclusively by North Star Writers Group. If you enjoy this work, please contact your local newspapers editors and ask them to carry it.
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Comments: 47
- mike
- mike
Upon re-reading your article, I find that you dabble in the tongue-in-cheek, yet sarcastic type of humor all the way through. I guess if I was too serious the first time reading through it, then it was my loss, as the following sentence proves: "For those of you who feel some sick need to engage in or even initiate actual conversation with your wives, here are just a few things you probably should avoid saying: ..."
Thanks for letting me explain.
Debi aka Gabby
Yes you're right, the title is meant to be ironic - anyone who actually knew how to communicate with women would clearly know better than to call them "chicks." That's kind of the point of the piece.
My column is a weekly syndicated satire on aspects of being a clueless middle-aged man in the 21st century. As an eminently clueless middle-aged man in the 21st century, I feel completely qualified to write it.
Thanks for explaining!
- mike
PS, it took me two marriages before I learned the above lesson and decided I wasn't cut out to be a woman's spouse. Haven't tried men yet but at the moment I'm having a wonderful relationship with a cat named Nancy. Very fulfilling.
Most women come from feeling and men come from thought!
A Man is -what a man is and that is all that it can ever be- welcome to my show!
Joel, don't give women's senses so much credit - all men are desperate and shallow.
De, so you're right 90% of the time and charitable the other 10%?
Congrats on the front page feature
Heather, the lessons are simple - have him read this column, then practice saying, "Grmorowrmmm."
So Clyde, did your second wife chase a laser pointer and eat spiders?
Different planets Clare? Different galaxies. I'm just glad we met up here on Earth.
- mike
Do me a favor and also post it to Gather Essentials: Writing for Humor Monday (which is today — at least on the East Coast). Thanks.
Here you go - posted to Gather Essentials: Writing. Thanks for the invite!
- mike
Sweetheart, the instructions say to mount that with the eyebolt that was enclosed.
The plant hook will do just fine - put it together and try it.
Seriously, it says that with the eyebolt you can hold up to 350 pounds. That hook doesn't look like it would hold as much (and anyone analyzing stresses would suggest a close loop would be stronger than an open one anyhow, but we'll leave THAT point for the moment).
JUST TRY IT ALREADY.
Assemble the personal hammock, mount it on the hook (while he's at work, by the way), climb into it... relax... and get dumped in a heap on the concrete porch.
True story.
--L
I would like to say it gets easier as you go, but I really think it depends on the couple. Hopefully, your ride on the marriage train will get smoother as you go. We are always in the learning stages because people are always changing....and it makes life more interesting. You wouldn't want life to be changeless, because then it would become stagnant and stagnant is stinky.
I have always enjoyed playing around with words and making my own. I like yours!
I really enjoyed reading this. I think you probably know what you're talking about too! :-)
No, not likely to happen.
Humor aside, however, what you are suggesting is "how not to talk" instead of "how to talk." The situation you describe (the question with no acceptable answer) is a form of disturbed communication called a "double bind," and it is described well in "The Pragmatics of Human Communication", by Watzlawick, et. al.
Your prescription is to avoid answering, which diminishes you personally within the relationship. Such a diminished male in a relationship with a woman is described by Robert Bly as a "feminized" male.
So..., let me give you another suggestion to responding in such a situation. The double-bind can only be successfully responded to by commenting on the double-bind itself. For example, in response to the "Brunhilde" question, "Why do you ask?" or "Is this a trick question?" Or, if you give an honest opinion, and the response is as you state, then you can respond, "I'm sorry. I thought you just wanted to know what I thought."
These are versions of the witch's question in the Russian "Ivan the Great" legends, described by Marie Louise von Franz, in her book, "Puer Aeternis". She gives the answer to the question, "are you here because you have to be, or because you want to be?" von Franz simply states, there is something wrong with the question, and states Ivan answers the witch correctly. Ivan says, "Don't ask the prince such a question, old witch." He follows that with some "obscenities", which von Franz describes as "delightful".
Now, while I do recognize that your article is meant to be funny, I thought I'd give a serious response, because I do think that there are too many men, who hide behind such efforts at non-communication, thereby absenting themselves from relationships, intimidated by their wives' (girl friends') "inner-witch". The answer, then, isn't avoidance or absence, but presence - which most women actually long for in a relationship.
Thanks Laura and Wanda. A chick and a woman - who knew?
Yeah, Elise, are you implying that he has to learn not to say what he's thinking because you'd rather not know?
It's odd Christine, but those teams on TV never seem to listen to us either.
Clover, I like the idea of leaving the speaking to the Mama Bird - you are way ahead of me!
Thanks Luna. Your husband might come home from South Africa speaking Swazi and have the edge on all of us.
Geeze Steve, you must be a laugh riot at a cocktail party. As Gilgamel Schoenenfreund so astutely observed in her seminal 19th century work, Gottinhimmel Vottamess Vegothere;
"Huh?"
It's satire, Steve. The title, How To Talk To Chicks is a tipoff that pretty much everything that follows is ironic, and fortunately the other men and women (even I know better than to really call them "chicks") who commented all got the joke. No one is actually suggesting non-communication.
Just for laughs, though, when my wife gets home tonight I'll make sure that I am emotionally present and we'll have a little heart-to-heart about her "inner witch." That should lead to some real fun...
- mike
(thanks for the laffs--too funny!!)
Thanks Alison. I'm really glad you liked it.
- mike
Congrats on the pending 33 year marriage. My husband and I are coming up on our 20th this year.
I love the unintelligible word answers. The best part for me, is when he does that, at that point I know he has pretty much tuned out. When we were first dating and he took me home to meet his mom (dad was on a business trip) she was talking to him and realized very quickly when he wasn't paying attention. She made eye contact with me and mouthed "watch this" ..and then said "And tomorrow I am going to fly over the house in a canoe"
Yes there are times when questions can't be absolutely anwered without the possibility of her face contorting and a rant spewing forth. But there are times when intelligence takes over.
For instance:
"Honey you never do anything for your self, if you like it buy it!"
"No that doesn't make you look fat but I prefer the red one that color is so meant for you"
"You did a great job with dinner but I have to say I dont really like (insert ingredient here). Here let me take care of the dishes." ...seriously I told my husband when we married if I made him something he didn't like I would prefer he be totally honest and he has been and it helps me plan meals, and if you thank she might get upset about the comment you totally neutralized it with taking over a small chore for her.
"Would you like me to help you with (insert chore here), I just like spending time with you."
re: aging "You are a beautiful woman and I am a lucky man to have you to myself"
and here is the big one
"I Love you"
But if one feels more at ease with the mummbles then just take caution that she may have her own interpretation of what that non-sensical phrase meant = Honey here take my wallet and go to the mall and buy what ever you want. or even Sure I will be happy to help you host a baby shower for the Smith's, oh maybe we can invite all the husbands, boyfriends, etc of all the guest and make it one big Momma, Daddy, baby shower.
Just a thought to keep in mind.
To anyone who complains that men should try spending more time talking with women and less time watching this or doing that. That isn't what makes the world turn.
It is all about being there. Maybe not 24/7 but just knowing that that person will be there when needed. That their life isn't complete without you. I am disabled and very limited in what I can manage. Yet when he is out there doing yard work he is overjoyed if I will just come outside and sit in a chair and keep him company. Sometimes he moves an extra chair into his office so we can just spend time together. But sometimes he just wants to decompress and play a computer game, or something. And that is perfectly natural. Women /Chicks need to learn Martian just as much as Men/Dudes need to learn some Venutian. And most of all accept, trust, laugh and never ever grow up! At least in private
My wife particularly liked this piece. I've been a professional writer (you can read that professional communicator) my entire adult life, and we have established an exceptional style of relating to each other. We particularly like gruelingly long car trips for the hours of wide-ranging conversations, and occasional happy silences.
I guess one point of all this, in addition to eliciting a giggle or two, is to suggest that sometimes you're just as well off to not say anything.
- mike
I don't go to cocktail parties, Mike. I find them a boring waste of time.
Also, I acknowledged that your article is a joke. However, "just for laughs" is just another avoidance - I'd like to think that is not your personal MO. I had a specific critique for your advice, and instead of addressing it directly, you attempt to ridicule me and make jokes. If you have a direct response to my comments, other than "Huh?", then I'd be happy to discuss them further. If not, that's fine - I'll enjoy the laugh and move on.
ahhh sometimes better off not saying anything. Yikies! Let me help translate from the female brain, especially and yes I am going to be the one to say it, if there are any stressors. Stressors include, work, health, social life, living, breathing etc, even hormonal fluctuations. Yes we do have them! I know that for years I didn't see it in myself and then I found myself pressing my back as hard as a I could against a will at work and emitting a low growl. Completely involuntary! Have two daughters who are 12 and 15 and even the 12 year old is further into her adolesence than I would like. I like 3. Potty train, sits at the table, takes naps, sleeps all night, not corrupted by the outside world. But I digress. They are pretty amazed that I pretty much know when they are going through PMS. They get very snippy, more so than usual and I will take them aside and ask are you about to...? The shock that registers and then the wheels spin and you can almost see the calendar being counted. So yes it does exist it is not always the same from one to the next and some may glide through it. And in no way should it be brought up by the Dude to the Chick.
But if I may give a try at translating silence.
Does this make me look fat?
No answer....= It does and he is afraid to say anything.
What do you think of Broomhilda?
No answer = he just doesn't care about anything in my life or and you must avoid this at all cost....he is cheating on me or at least thinking of it with Broomhilda.
Yes nonsensical is sometimes the safest route. Of course you have to know the "chick". Sometimes, as in my case of being raised by a very bright mother with a great sense of humor, we will purposely twist it a little just to get a rise out of yall. But if we have that almost supressed grin waiting to burst out into full fledged laughter with that sparkle in our eyes, then sit back and enjoy the laughter with us.
I wonder if the female talent of twisting answers has anything to do with the study that showed activity on both sides of the brain for women/chicks v. the activity being only on one side with men/ dudes. And to be a little more serious on this matter I wonder if men who do consistently listen with one side are actually better off. I know there were a lot of male bashing jokes about it. I try to avoid that, especially having two daughters and really loving my husband dearly. But by utilizing one side of the brain are they more apt to say compartmentalize. Not get as fuzzy in their listening (as long as there isn't a game on they want to watch).
Long car rides with occassional happy silences??? The only time we ever had long or short car rides with happy silences meant one of us was asleep...in the passenger seat of course. I do miss long car rides.
So I'll wax serious for two paragraphs. The reason I did not directly answer your critique of my "advice" is that I was not even remotely giving advice. This is only meant to be a humor column, not a psycholinguistic treatise, and as I said, my "suggestions" were clearly ironic. "Just For Laughs" is not an avoidance Steve, it's what I do for a living.
You are obviously very well-educated, and I'm sure familiar with the concept that when you employ irony in satire, the reader knows that you not only mean something other than what's being said, but you often mean exactly the opposite. As Deborah points out, and any remotely cognizant husband knows, actually being evasive with something like the Brunhilde question presents dangers well beyond even those I present in the piece. I've managed get my wonderful wife to let me hang around for 33 years by being aware of this sort of thing.
Ok, seriousness over. Deborah, when you talk about men utilizing one side of our brains you're assuming that we routinely use any part of our brains. Any woman knows that's not necessarily a valid assumption.
But we can be pretty lovable...
- mike
.....then you're unitelligable language would show you really aren't paying attention to her, and NO, you do NOT care how SHE feels. You are making light of the situation. She married you and you can't even talk to her ?!?
.......
just kidding.......hehe
I say, "Yeah, Mike, I'm implying that he needs to learn when to not say something just because he's thinking it. He needs to follow Thumper's great advice which is 'if you don't have something good to say then don't say anything at all.' There's a difference in being brutally honest and helpful honest. He just needs to tweek his presentation."
For example: (I love giving examples lol) I can't count the number of times he has said, "White pants make EVERY girls butt look huge." To which I replied, "I am part of EVERY girl because I AM a girl." He always tries to weezel out of it and say, "OH, I didn't mean YOU, but EVERY woman's butt DOES look huge in white pants." And I ask you, how does his first sentence differ from the second?
It's ALL in the presentation. I admit I have junk in my trunk - not too much, but enough and I like having it there. It serves a purpose. lol But what woman wants to hear that she is part of a population thats butt is gargantuan if seen inside a pair of white pants??? ugh!!
Not ALL men are so clueless as mine!! I love this article Mike!! Your wording is hilarious! Love it love it love it!! The world needs MORE humorous people like you!!
Thanks!!!
Elise, I think your husband's ideas on white pants might apply to guys too. That would explain why every time I wear mine people with peg legs throw harpoons at me.
Nevertheless, I'll bet your husband secretly likes a little badonkadonk. Sounds like he's protesting too much.
- mike
Apology accepted. And while not denying the levity of your article, I simply suggested that there is a serious side to this situation (as have others, who have commented here). You have dealt with irony, satire, humor for a living. I dealt with serious difficulties in relationships for 30+ years. I commented seriously about this topic because it comes up as a serious dynamic. Perhaps, this is not the appropriate context for this discussion. Your article was "featured" (congratulations!), and so it caught my attention. It was not my intent to spoil your joke. Sorry.
People who are deeply entrenched in the communication difficulties I touch on here probably do need serious help, like that which you offer. Professional clowns like me use satire to make the same points, maybe directed toward and understood by people who are not quite so deeply entrenched.
- mike