Caveat eBay

I’ve discovered something at least as addictive as caffeine, alcohol, tobacco, cocaine, heroin, or even Chex Mix ( the really good homemade kind, with way too much garlic salt). At this moment millions of people around the world are sitting, huddled, alone, sweating, shaking, counting down the seconds until they can “get right” with their next “fix.”

I’m talking, of course, about eBay, the internet equivalent of the bazaar at Marrakech. This is the well-known online auction service where you can buy anything from clothespins to cattle prods, often paying less than 70 times the actual value of the item.

eBay was founded in 1995 by Pierre Omidyar, a computer programmer who allegedly wanted to help his fiancée buy and sell PEZ candy dispensers. The first item actually sold on eBay -this is true - was a broken laser pointer, purchased for $14.83 (plus shipping) by a guy who, it turns out, is a noted collector of broken laser pointers.

On this rock solid intellectual foundation, a cultural icon for the twenty-first century was born.

I recently decided to take my first dip in the eBay pool when I needed a microphone, and I just did not want to mess around with all the messy warranties and buyer’s confidence that go along with buying a new one. So I went to eBay and did a search on the word “Microphone.”

The first listing that popped up looked interesting. There was a photograph, a little out of focus, of an object that appeared to be exactly the kind of microphone I was looking for. Next to the picture was a compelling item title:

mik - lik nu bargin!!!!! Bids: 15 Price: $27.50 Time Left: 18 m

Wow! A lik nu bargin!!!!! And with less than twenty minutes left in the auction, the price was only up to $27.50! With trembling fingers I clicked for more information.  I was greeted with a larger out of focus photograph of the microphone-like object and a detailed technical description of the equipment:

it kind look like real gud mikrofon so probly is. shiping to usa $45

After several minutes of forehead-wrinkling thought I decided that the shipping charges looked a little steep on this otherwise fantastic bargain.

In less than nine hours I had worked my way almost a quarter of the way through all the microphones for sale on eBay. With a little experimentation I learned that I could narrow down my quest by changing the search to “Microphone – Not A Transparent Scam,” which took the number of items found from 12,452 to 11.

I finally picked out what looked like the perfect microphone for me. It was time to take my first shot at making a purchase, so with trembling fingers I entered an amount two dollars above the “current bid.”

The screen immediately flashed, a loud “BOOP” sounded, and huge red letters appeared shouting, “YOU’VE BEEN OUTBID!” It turns out that eBay has an automatic bidding system, where you can enter the highest amount you’re willing to pay for something and the computer will automatically outbid newcomers by a dollar or two, until either the auction passes your maximum bid or the time runs out.

So I entered what I thought the microphone was worth, including the ten dollar “shipping and handling” fee, and sat back to watch the fun. Then, as the last few minutes ticked down and with my bid still in the lead, I felt the adrenaline start to take over.

With two minutes to go, a cascade of bids passed mine. Only my fumble-fingered keyboard technique kept me from jumping back into the fray to buy that used microphone for a final price that was about three dollars more than it would have cost new in the box at the music store.

Over the next week I repeated this ritual a few times until I developed my own never-fail bidding method. All I do is enter my maximum bid, then have my wife lock me in the linen closet until it’s all over. Using this technique I eventually did get my used microphone, and at a great price. Now I need a cord to attach it to the amplifier.

eBay Search: “Microphone Cables – Probably Not Blatant Rip-off.”

Copyright © 2007, Michael Ball