Some humorous items

These seemed worth sharing when I found them in my email.

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

"Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 100 in 2 seconds flat," his wife said.

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.    

An oldie but goodie. 

A man came into a gun shop and asked to see a shotgun. The clerk, seeing that the customer was well-dressed and probably had a well-padded pocketbook, showed him a Belgian handcrafted mother of pearl inlay weapon and demonstrated its fine points. A bargain at $12,000.

The customer says, "No, not quite what I need."

Then the clerk brings out an English model and shows off its fine points. A steal at only $7,500.

The customer says, "No, I don't need anything that fancy."

The clerk, disappointed, shows the customer a Winchester 'over and under' mass production model. Only $299.95.

The customer says, "That will do nicely. After all, it's an informal wedding."    

 No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.    

Another cute oldie. 

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.