Insignificant

you sure think a lot

Too much all the time. thanks for reading

why to think, live as if your doing to die tomorrow.

Great advice. Thanks.

what a night. love it

Thanks Tammy

Yep.... Just one tear..... Don't give'em more than that.... One says you have a heart... More than that means you're weak, of at least that's what they say:). Cry all u want, shelbia...... It only makes you stronger

Thanks

Another power packed write.

Good stuff

Thanks, Spencer. I always look forward to your comments.

Kick him and his memory to the curb.

Great advice, Ina.

Powerful reflection of need and want fighting the loss. You reach the very core of feelings here. Hugs and Blessings

Thanks, Lisa.

YOur words tell a story of bittersweet love and loss. No one iwho turns their back is worth moe than that, "One lone tear."

Thank you for posting to Honest Poetry Critique! I'm just reserving a spot to return to later, with a critique of your poem. First I must drink more coffee, to do it justice.

I think what I liked best about this is the effect you've built between the night journey of the poem, and the weight of the title. The poem wanders, as thoughts do, and the title looms without movement, but they both come back to the same thing. That charmed me, and as someone who always struggles to find neat, meaningful titles for her poems, I have to tip my virtual hat to you.

The concept of the poem is intriguing, and deceptively simple. There's a lot to explore here that could be fresh and new, and I think you've hit a few of those notes. There were two things that threw me out of the moment, however. I really wanted to be able to wander with you through this, but the repetitive use of "and", and some cliched imagery kept jarring me back into the present, and a more analytical frame of mine. Instead of -feeling- it with you-- and lord knows I've had those nights too-- I kept coming back to feeling it didn't quite come all together for me.

I think I know what you were going for with the repeated use of "and". They're part of the circular thinking the speaker is trapped within, a symptom of spinning around this one central, maddening thought and not being able to get away from it. In the short lines, however, instead of accentuating that, they overwhelm and take away from it. "And" is something of a filler word in stream of consciousness verse like this. It's a hollow syllable that doesn't really add much to the verse, for me. I experimented once with writing some poetry, and then chopping every instance of the word "and" (as well as a few other filler words) from the poem, and I was happily surprised by the results. It was tighter, cleaner and far more punchy, because the content words stood out that much more. You could try playing with that too, see what effect it has on your verse.

The other area where I stumbled, as I said, was some of the imagery. I hesitated at "burning like lightning (check your spelling there) // Across my star specked sky", but I like the running out of gas just after-- clever connection between the winking out of a gassy star and a person absenting themselves from a relationship.

What did not do it for me was the one lone tear shimmying down the cheek. I dislike it when I see it done in movies, and I dislike it in poetry. It's one of the Cardinal Cliches of Emotion, and you have so much good here that I really do feel you can find something else to work for this part.

Overall, this is a thoughtful piece with a lot of strengths and a few areas that could use some tightening up. I enjoyed going through it. Thank you!

(written for Honest Poetry Critique)

Thanks for the critque, Corrina. I get what you mean about the use of and here, but it was done purposely. I wanted it to seem like a run on thought or someone who is just prattling on without stopping to take a breath, a little disjointed and a bit all over the place.

I had a problem with the tear, too. I have to think about that one. You have given me some great suggestions. Also thanks for pointing out the typo. I missed it. I also appreciate the compliment.

this was good. I stay up late often, but not for the same reasons.
Thanks for posting at ~Songs/Poems/Loveletters~

Thanks, David.

I like this a lot. Beautiful, though sad.

Thanks for such a lovely piece of prose!
Thanks for posting to my group, Anythingwriting

Sounds as if you had a sleepless night. The young always think about unrequited love. You protrayed you pain nicely.

We think therefore we are. I like the theme and flow of this poem. It breathes love and frustraion and hurt and want and need.

Who are they? think as u wish .love life as u live, It is a dilemma of / being and nothingness(Title of a book by Nobel Laurate Sarte)my best wishes for positive thinking

They tell me I think too much

But all I think about is you,

And this,

And that,

And life,

and death,
You were kind enough to leave comments on a few of my posts and I had to look you up and repay the compliment. This is the first poem I came to and I very much like the honesty of emotion I find in the lines. I agree with an earlier comment by Corrina in regard to the tear, the one lone tear -- one way or another that image asks/directs the reader [this reader at any rate] to feel a certain way. For me, the wanting and heartache is more potent without that line.

I very much like the first three repeats of And to open the lines; the fourth repeat works as well, but I'm thinking you could leave out the one here: 'And just--- things' -- and just go with Things / and you / once again,

In the area of the burning like lightning -- I think you could tighten what follows; perhaps omit the line Across my star specked sky. Again, this may just be me, but the visual in my head as I read is of lightning across a night sky and unless the star-specked is picked up in some other way later in the poem, the 'my sky' is another sort of direction by the voice of the poem to 'look at me' in the manner that the lone tear asks. And I find myself looking away from the poem to the writer of the poem.

Also, with these three lines: 'petering out halfway / and fading. You run out of gas' I wondered if you might tighten as well, using one of these actions rather than three. And when I ask myself why I think this might improve your [very fine, by the way] poem, I think it's because lightning comes in a flash; a blink and its gone; using three actions (petering, fading, run out of gas) takes that flash on too long a journey. I think the the 'run out of gas' shows the other two actions of petering and fading.

Another "and" you might omit is the one here: And just wink out, For me, Just wink out goes with the image of the lightning and the And there slows down that 'wink'.

Just some thoughts on this poem, Shelbia. If any of them make sense, good; and if not, please feel free to ignore. I liked the poem, despite how it may appear by the number of suggestions!

I get the sadness, but this was a delight to read. Each verse fit the next seamlessly and the rhythm of the words flowed like a slightly turbulent stream.

Very nice. As always with your style, intense & heart felt. Great job.

Beautiful written! We can't think too much. It's how we make discoveries that are thrilling and lead to wisdom. Only when thinking takes the place of doing is it going too far.

Wonderful! Thank you for the thought so profound!!

I love your work, it official....I do.