Some of you may know already that I had to try for 12 years to have a baby. I wanted that more than anything in the whole world. I was heartbroken every month when the tests were negative...... not to mention my moods were absoulutely crazy in large part due to the infertility medications.
I gave up from time to time. It's hard when a doctor (I was 17 at the time) told me I'd probably never have children. He knew way back then I suffered from a disorder called polycistic ovarian disease. To top that off, my hormones sometimes work, mostly don't.
The doctors had me on several varieties of physchotic medications for years since I was obsessing over my female body rejecting the whole purpose it was for: to procreate. I was depressed, anxious.... scared my first husband would leave me since I couldn't bear him children.
I also had a condition where I collect pills. I had been doing so since I was about 13. My little baggie had all sort of meds in them. All I cared about was if it could put me to sleep. I would often take one or two and my attitude was, 'So, what if I do not wake up in the morning.'
In a writing class, I wrote about the time I took a HOT bath, swallowed everyone of my pills and sat in the tub. I waited for sleep to take the pain away. I remember thinking; 'This is it. I am done. Done with all of this shit.'
Of course, my writing for class was much longer and detailed.
(My tale created many tears in that class as I read it aloud; since it had happendd only a week before the assisgnment. It also earned me a new best friend; she loved me so and took care of me and brought me out of my depressive hate fog.)
And, of course, I awoke the next morning. But, not without my heart aching, aching, aching... I still remember how it felt; how my body turned into liquid ice water, even though it was laying in a scalding bath.
I woke up in my bed on the evening of the next day. (I do not recall climbing the stairs, but I did.) My husband had never come home from work; he chose to stay out with his buddies all night and go fishing all day after that. He left me a voice message. He was always doing things like that.
I was upset I woke up.
Some days I still sort of am; depsite that I did finally get pregnant with my second husband.
I hate a tubal back in October. I never did get pregnant again; I chose to take of the stress of that altogther. But, I still hate myself for making me have to do it. I hate my stupid, maladjusted body.
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Comments: 27
This life is temorary. There is a higher calling for all of us.
Temporarily short.
Wow. It sounds like you have been through a lot I have not yet tried to have a baby but I hope that when I do it is success because I myself want kids and my boyfriend also wants kids I am so glad that you finally had a child.... =]
Thanks, Meagan.
AHHH. I was reading other comments. And totally deleted my comment.
Fail.
That's ok, Lisa!
I think we all do~
I have some extra kids, lol. Hey, thanks for the link...I was accepted. Great day to you!
Great, David. Glad to help. :) If you live in the area, I'd be more than happy to take of some of your little ones! lol
I went through a lot of similar feelings when my daughter was stillborn. It's like your body was meant to do this one thing and it just fucked up. I am sorry you are still struggling with these feelings.
Oh, My God, I am so sorry. I feel petty for what I'm feeling.
Its good you have a child even that problems occur... dont lose hope... just a little more faith... and while waiting for another chance... give your child the love you can all give, because when the other comes around it will be devided.. hehe...
I know God have other plans for you... just pray for it and be sensitive on his signs, and appreciatte what you have.. its a gift from heaven..
God bless
Thanks, Carla. You are very kind.
I too have PCOS...didn't have any trouble conceiving, though, despite a specialist telling me I would need help to do so. Only the one child since I divorced when he was three.
I turn 46 tomorrow and have already gone through early menopause. My ovaries have quit, finally, for which I am very grateful. For me, the primary symptom (beyond irregular periods) was some serious mood swings. One day, I asked my gynecologist what menopause would be like for me. She replied that I would just notice a lessening of symptoms over time (which is how it played out). I then asked her what other women's experience of menopause would be like, those who DON'T have PCOS. She said that those women will, for a few years, feel exactly the way I have since I hit puberty and started having periods. I told her it was nice to know that the universe exhibits balance on occasion....
Hating my body has gotten me into a lot of trouble on a lot of levels--physical, emotional, and even financial. I have several rather serious health conditions, the mood swings played havoc with most of my relationships and both the healthcare and the therapy have cost me tens of thousands of dollars. Work on that attitude...your body is part of yourself and the feelings will spread to other areas of your life. Trust me, that unhappiness won't go away without a conscious and concerted effort.
Wow, Linda. You are so right.
Good for you. Not the hate but the decision.
In my opinion you still sound like you would be a bit better off if you loved your self as you are and move on in life.
that is true, Rich. Easier said than done.
Hugs to you
Thanks, Mary!
Carrie, sometimes we don't always see the path that was intended for us. Maybe there is a child in need that wil find their way to your heart and home.
I know that I have had far more children enter my home (homeless) that I should ever have had. I couldn't believe that most were thrown to the curb when a parent remarried and they became the contest reminder of the previous failed marriage.
I would encourage you to believe in things that are so far out of our control that we simply must have faith, that all has occured for a higher reason.
Faith can carry one over mountains, and quite possibly to your doorstep!
Breaks my heart when I see that too. Often, sadly when I was teaching also.
Hi...I want to let you know the thing that I wish to tell you is not to hurt your feelings.. just only to share...
I nearly had a baby when I was 21 years old..I thought that I would let another family have the baby..since I was not yet ready for "motherhood!" I had read many articles at the time that you could get a family to pay for the hospital stay and they could adopt your child in an open adoption...where as I could have had that kid..gave it to the family and kept in touch for years!(That's what I wanted to do), I thought that that was such an awesome idea...but, my mom,and with whom I was living with at the time..didn't believe that parents who wanted to adopt would go thru all of that..ya know..paying for my hospital bills and to have the baby for them! So..I went thru my abortion..and I was at about eight or nine weeks when they did it..I had to go thru the procedure twice..because I moved too much.and it was painful, to say the least! (I have known women who have endured it more than once..or even eight times; glad that was NOT me!!) Anyhow..the whole reason that I wanted to share this with you is because I had those STRONG feelings of "I want a baby too!" it was especially difficult when my friends from high school were all having kids..(in our twenties mind you) and I was in NO place to have one..I was NOT married, and my boyfriend would NOT have been a great dad..and or a great help, either!
I tell you this because I know the loss..I have told my hubby about this...(a totally different person than the one that "knocked me up!") My hubby totally understands and tells me that if I do have a child(even though, I don't want one that much any more) that we WON'T have me going thru another abortion! My Pro-Choice feelings are really mixed..but, I really do NOT want to go thru another "little operation" to get rid of a baby! I know that I would definitely LOVE that child with all of my heart and then some! OH and the other thing in this story is that my hubby was adopted! I know that he feels strongly about not aborting! (I am thrilled that he feels that way..even though, we both do not want kids..as he happens to already have kids by some other marriages as well as three grandkids! I am VERY proud to be a part of his family and to be a step(mom or grandma!) LOL!
But, I will say that for the lonnnnngest time..I was sad..and I was depressed..(I didn't do that abortion when I was past the date..that would have been so much harder on me mentally...not just physically) but, I still had depression because I was NOT going to be a "mom" because the guy that I was with..was soooo NOT "father material" and I was NOT trying to get pregnant!
I have another friend who is trying to get pregnant like you..and she has not given up..and even though she is in her late 40's and she has been trying and trying..I kept telling her to NOT give up!!
There is new technology out there..I believe that there is a way!!!
But, if you decide to do something else..that's fantastic too!!
I really feel sad at times,,,because I don't have my own "babies" but, by the same token..I do..and I have..(I have raised a LOT of babies up to near adult hood..I was a nanny for about 37+ years..and then, later a preschool teacher!) I loved it! I still love the children..sooo very, very much! I sometimes miss being a nanny as well..but, I am glad that for now, I am not doing that! But, hey..if someone needs a sitter..who am I to totally ignore them? Ya know? LOL!!
I am there!!!
Do NOT despair..I believe and have had this happen to me..that "when one door closes, another will open!"
You do NOT know what is in your future..YET! Do NOT give up!!
There are so many ways to love...and to get that love too!!
Please...whatever you do...don't leave this world...I care about you, even if I don''t know you! This is important..and I just had to say that to you..just so that you are HERE with all of us, sharing your thoughts and still alive and making great things happening in your life!!!
I still love "my child" even if I don't like what I did to it! I still think of that baby...I still apologize to him or her..because I would have loved to rock them, tell them stories, hug, carry, love them to pieces...*shakes head*..so...I just wanted to let you know...and how sorry I am that you have had t deal with this...LOVE your body..be grateful to BE ALIVE and well, despite that negativity surrounding it..there must be another path for you to be on...(as some others have already told you..so, keep on the path..and do NOT leave it!!!!!)
Peace!
Julie K.
I think that I have to add a smidge more..if you do not mind..YOu can always become a "big sis' or some type of angel to somebody's daughter..or child..why not? I think of this at times..I feel like being like this to my neices and or nephews or some kids that I know are friend's of mine's kids..I think that this is a great way to become close and to share and to be able to reach out and "Touch" that person and let them know that they can have another great friend to care for them..and to "treat" them...I know that you are dealing with a "raw deal" here..I totally get that..but, until you might find another way..these are just suggestions..ya know..to be close to other people's kids, to be a strong friend or ally for them..etc...Also mentoring...I know kids who consider their family friend like their second mom..In fact, my mom's best friend helped to raise me..as did some of her oldest children! I am indebted to them!!
Think on it...and maybe that can really,help!! I hope that your door will open WIDE!!
Peace!
Julie K.
Julie,
Thank you for taking the comment so deeply. You have me in tears. I was a teacher for 5 years (high school special ed), a nanny for many, a GS leader for 6 years and a youth minister.
I am thankful I have Katie. The stress was hard on me, I had my tubes tied last year and regret it. After the four years of her birth, I never got pregnant, so I gave up the idea. I was only supposed to have one.
You are correct about helping other kids though.
And, I am sorry for your loss. You are blessed to have a good man in your life now.
... good reply from Julie ... sometimes we just have to step back from ourselves ...
It took me five years, so I know what you're talking about. I also got only one child, but she is wonderful!
Thanks for posting to Fugitives from Ignorance, Conformity, and Peer Pressure