I am one a member of a growing group- working moms who have too little time, too little money and TOO much to do!! I was wondering how each of you handle it. My life is so overwhelming to me at this moment that I feel like I am constantly on alert for signs of a nervous breakdown.
I have three normal boys, ages 15, 13 and 11 and an 11 year old stepdaughter. By normal, of course, I mean grumpy, moody, lazy and needy. This is not to say that they are not great kids (to everyone else). They are very smart and well mannered. They are busy with sports, after school activities and even part time jobs. What I mean is that for ME they are grumpy, moody, lazy and needy. I can't get them to pick up A THING around the house. My eighth grader, who is VERY SMART, has given up homework now that he knows he is moving to high school next year. My eleven year old, has decided that his brothers nasty comments to each other and even occasionally to me are perfectly acceptable.
My husband has MS and is doing great right now. He is not having any trouble at all and does not SEEM the least bit worried about what tomorrow might bring, but I on the other hand find myself waiting for the day he can't walk or see. I feel like I am living in a perpetual state of anxiety.
If money is the root of all evil, then I must be a saint, because we NEVER have enough. It seems like I am constantly having to decide which bill to pay and which to avoid. I think half of my salary goes to the boys tuition for school. With college not far off for my oldest, money is constantly on my mind. I work full time for the county (which means I have good health insurance, but make barely more than the current poverty level). My job is very high stress on its own. I deal with victims of violent crime on a daily basis. My husband has a good full time job that he loves, and gets all overtime that he wants, but when he works too much, I start worrying about his health. (See the viscious cycle here?).
I feel like I can't get ahead on household repairs I kid you not, our stove is down to one burner that works and one that does what it wants. I have a leaking shower that, even after the full scale bathroom remodeling, still leaks and a ceiling that needs patching. Of course, cleaning just never happens, since we are always taking a kid to a sporting event or something else. My 11 year old thinks that he is going to be the next David Beckham, so I spend a ton of time at the soccer fields.
Just for the record and a nice clear picture of my stress, my ex-husband is NO help with the boys. He has not seen them in 4 or 5 years. He does pay child support, but nothing else. I also have the neighbor from, well you know. She is a grumpy old bitty that calls the police on a Sunday afternoon because the 13 year old was outside making noise. (seriously... 2:00 in the afternoon on a Sunday. Our houses are literally 10 feet apart). My son was so scared that the police were going to take him away that he hid in the garage for an hour crying when the police showed up. She is constantly threatening them. Last weekend when the 11 year old was playing in video game and yelling at the video baseball game, things like "take that...I just hit a home run. Oh, yeah" (in the house, in the middle of the day) she stood in my front yard and yelled in my open window for him to be quite or she would call the police and he would get arrested. She doesn't EVER do this when we are home and she won't talk to us.
Now don't get me wrong, I love my sons, I love my husband and I love my stepdaughter. (You can guess how I feel about my neightbor ;-) ) I wouldn't trade them for all the tea in China, but I do have days where something little will set me off, like forgeting my debit card and not being able to get gas for the van. In fact, that very thing caused me to look like a blubbering idiot in the UDF parking lot. Just imagine, a grown woman standing by the gas pumps crying like someone had stolen her puppy!
I am taking deep breaths, saying my prayers and getting through one day at a time. I know that I will be alright, but I was hoping some of you could tell me what you do to get through it. Any little stress reducing secerets? It would just be nice to know that I am not the only one going through this. So... how about it??? Any suggestions?
Oh, by the way, could someone explain to me WHY my husband and I agreed to host the foreign exchange student at the boys high school next year? I MUST BE CRAZY!!!
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Comments: 13
Needless to say - I'm stressed out. I think the main thing that gets me through every day, okay - maybe three things - 1. I'm simply not a Quitter, 2. I focus on the good and count my blessings each and every day, and 3. I cry. Alot. Not at home - or at least not in front of the children, but when I'm with a friend, or in the car, or on a late night walk to the park. And I'm not ashamed to do this either - it relieves SO much pent-up stress and emotion, even if only temporarily. Okay, I lied - four things. 4. I pray. For healing for my husband, of course, but more often for myself - for patience with my children, for understanding of my husbands problems and moods, for strength and perseverance to endure it all, and for the ability to find peace and joy and laughter even when I feel lower than dirt.
I know just how you feel about disability though. Brian is a Gulf War vet. We are trying to get VA disability in place in case we need it in the future. Luckily my health insurance is good. Unfortunately, it is so good that I am trapped in my job.
I am leaving now to run to lacrosse with my 13 year old. I will log on later, so I am here if you need me.
My mother has a picture on her wall with an image of Christ and the saying 'I never said it would be easy - only that it would be worth it'. I always picture that when things get especially rough and it's become almost like a mantra - "It will be worth it, it will be worth it, it will be worth it"
Lacrosse is over, but now I get to run my 13 year old to the ER. He may have broken his arm. He got hit by the lacrosse stick and has a big knot on his elbow. I am going to let him eat dinner first. He says that it doesn't hurt that much. My neighbor is a nurse and she thinks we should get it x-rayed.
I hope your night is going better than mine. How is your husband doing today?
-No broken arm by the way - just a bad bruise
I can relate to the stress and frantics of too much to do, and not the time or money to do it...but then again I think almost all parents feel this at various stages of child rearing. That doesn't make it any easier.
I am mom to Kaity (16 in just 28 days) and Cody (almost 14 1/2). My husband Chris and I have been married 20 years this May 16! The past six months have sucked because I was laid off in October and unemployment doesn't really pay much compared to a job. Much worse now is that I have a check coming Friday, another the following Friday, and the Friday after that will be about $60...and that's it for my unemployment! I have had 6 months off and have spent the past 4 months really looking hard for work...and have been turned down politely for ever job I TRULY wanted. My husband's income pays for all of our HARD bills...my unemployment pays for things like gas for the cars, food, co-pays, Rxs, dog food, etc... So, I am so stressed that right now I am almost immobile! I can barely get anything done worrying about getting a job, money, etc... Anyway, that's just about me and my life right now.
I started having actual panic attacks 13 years ago and it took me several years to realize what was going on in life at that time that triggered the massive explosion of attacks. My life was run by the clock, period! Kaity was about 3 and Cody was about 1 1/2, both Chris and I worked full-time so both kids were in a home day care. "I" was the one who ran my butt off, however. I had to be up by 6AM to get ready for work, the dogs out, the kids up, dressed, fed, and out the door by 7:15. I had to have them at daycare by 7:30, period, in order to be at work by 8. AT work there were deadlines for having thingsd done, although it was actually more relaxed at work than at home. I had to leave work by 4:05 in order to pick the kids up by 4:30, period or pay $15 per child for every 15 minutes I was late. Once home, I had to start whipping up supper by a certain time so that the kids could be bathed and cuddled, and in bed on time for the day to start over. Then I started laundry, dishes, etc... Chris was working a job where he was frequently not home before 8 or 9. I literally was on edge and tense enough to snap for what seemed like forever! ANd then I guess I did snap...and I'll have to deal with that the rest of my life...(it's also hereditary in my family, so lucky me, huh?)
Now, not so stressed, not so rushed. I have been lucky enough to have quite a bit of flexibility to accomodate my family's "needs" for time and my previous work. Now looking for work, I am trying to find something with some flexibility for my quarterly Dr's appts, the kids appts, etc...yeah, that's about impossible. It does help that Kaity will get her driver's license in less than a month and she can get herself to the orthodonstist and dermatologist...and her job. I will be a wreck with her driving because I trust her skills, but no one else on the road, but...I'll survive!
Have you ever noticed how teens act up more when something is going on, stress wise, at home? My mom had been in a nursing home for about 18 months before she died last September. About a month before she died, my dad and I and the doctors finally all came to realize she not only had CHF, COPD, severe osteoporosis, but Alzheimers...severley advanced Alzheimers. A week before she died, I was massively stressed. I knew she did not have long. I was terribly upset and trying to work FT, run kids to Volleyball and Football (plus work the games), visit my mom as often as possible, etc...and both Kaity got truly bitchy, very demanding, was actually TELLING me what I was and was not going to do!@! Finally one morning on the way to school I had HAD it!! I came unglued and informed her (screaming at the top of my lungs) that my mom, her grandmother, was dying and THAT was the most important thing to me at that time. "She could be dead in two minutes or two weeks, but it isn't going to be much longer than that, little girl...and I am sad and scared and I am not taking your crap anymore! You may not "get" what the huge deal is because you haven't been extremely close to her for a few years...but if you could...imagine that my mom is ME. Imagine Kaity, if you can turn off your self centeredness for 30 seconds, that "I", your mom, am dying...I could be gone at any time, but you know for sure that you do NOT have much time left with me. Pretty scarey? Now imagine that your kid is acting like a self-centered spoiled brat while you are trying to deal with this. Fun? Are you happy? Understanding? Or are you as ticked off and fed up as I am right now?"
Lets just say she chilled out and stepped back in line quite quickly/ My mom died a week later...her grandmother. I think she finally got it. But I also had been trying to do too much myslef...I hadn't just sat down with Kaity and talked to her about what I was dealing with and how scared and worried I was and why. She could sense the tension. I suddenly wasn't fully there even when I was there, and although she knew grandama was very sick and she knew she was going to die...Kaity had never stopped to consider WHY I was so absorbed with that...until I wrongfully screamed at her to imagine it was ME dying. I don't think I handled that well at all... but she suddenly did understand...
My niece is two years younger than I am and has lupus which is very serious right now. Her daughter started REALLY acting up and getting into serious trouble and it all came to a head when my niece's Lupus flare up had her in the hospital. Kids sense things, even though we don't tell them. They are not mature enough to ask questions to see what's going on. They lash out!
Our kids sure do! Like you, according to everyone else, I have incredible polite, helpful, giving, caring kids. Even tho Cody's academics have been terrible the past few years (they seem to be improving...cross your fingers) I am still told by everyone at school that they would gladly take many more of him in their classes than the kids who are getting all A's, because Cody is caring, kind, and such a great person.
I too love both kids dearly...but at home, they can be dispicable little brats. It's all "me, me, me"..."I want", :I need", etc... This is called the teen years and exerting independence...and pushing the limits! I also remember my mom telling me years ago that home is where we can be our worst selves, let it all hang out...because we know our family will still love us. And I think that is true. I know that there have been times that after a day of being polite, politically correct, and dealing with infuriating people making outrageous demands on me at work, I have come home and let the worst of me shine through. Kids do that, too.
BUT, we have to get on them, keep on them, and tough love them dearly...they actually DO want that...although they don't know it until they are much older. And we have to pick our battles, as well. I ignore soemthing mumbled under the kids breath as they walk away from me...they are trying to get a rise out of me, it will truly give them just that if I make a fuss about every mumble or grumble...and my BP rising is not worth that.
Our kids both have assigned chores...yes, even though I am home FT right now. Cody is to load and unload the dishwasher daily and take out all the trash daily. Kaity does all of the laundry and is supposed to clean out the litter box daily. I have made some concessions since I have been off. I do the litter box and I will throw laundry in here and there. I also will gather trash and hand wash dishes that can't fit in or go in the dishwasher.
BUT...they HAVE to do those things and they have to do them by a certain time or they lose priviledges, period! Cody is all about his girlfriend, skateboarding, speding time with his friend in another school and town. Well, after not fully completing the trash duty, or cleaning his room...he lost the ability to spend any time with his girlfriend and friend...although he was allowed to call them and tell tehm exactly why, and for how long. His girlfriend chewed his butt about not being able to spend time with her because he was too lazy to do his work...suddenly, he's doing better. And, when he only half does a job, but says it's done and he heads outside...I have no problem walking outside, calling him back in for the rest of the night, and making him immediately complete it...and then giving him something else to do since his evening has suddenly been freed up. Kaity has selectively washed clothes, making sure hers were done...but not her dads. So, since she obviously didn't have time to do her chores, she MUST be working too many hours...made her tell her boss (who I know) that she had to cut back by a night the following week...also, I DID jump in and get the clothes washed...but I did not wash hers at all... Guess what, it worked.
Last year was the first year we have had both kids in sports. It was awful and I do not understand why parents insist on it...and how they can insist on each kid being in several sports/activities at the same time. I truly think that it demands more time from the parents than from the kids! I was volunteered to line judge, score and run concessions at Kaity's Volleyball games...of course, I did not get to select what time worked for me...I was actually expected to leave work and go do this. And it's pretty hard to find a sub when you do not know any other parents because you are new to the district. They had me working at all the 4:15 games...and I was swamped at wqrk...yeah, did manage to make it work, but it was so stupid to have to...and it meant I was putting in 14-16 hour days at least twice a week! Both kids did enjoy their activities...but both also decided that they would pick different activities in the coming years. They got tired of at least three hours of practice a day, plus massive homework, and then immediately having to go to bed. Cody actually got a serious concussion when he was speared in a football game...and it took several months to fully recover, so he is pretty much banned from any contact sports by our doctor.
Anyway ladies, I have been rambling and ranting...sorry, I need to hit the hay!
Point is...do not accept cruddy behavior. You don't deserve it. Don't let kids walk all over you, make them keep their responsibilites to themsleves and to YOU...and don't let it get to you...breathe...destress everyday...laugh everyday... and make the kids laugh, too. Dance, try to sing along to the songs they like (even if you ahte tehm) and be a crazy parent on occassion. They may roll their eyes...but it helps them destress too...
Later!
Jyll
Want a puppy?
Definitely, thank you for sharing!