RE: The Top Sixty Rules That Men Really, Really Wished Women Knew About Men

This is in response to my Uncle Chuck's posting of The Top Sixty Rules That Men Really, Really Wished Women Knew About Men.
I had to answer some of these, for no other reason than because, well... I'm a smartass. :) Also, apparently I'm not a "normal" woman, as I regularly fail to resemble the women represented between the lines of the original article. :P

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
If you ask what is wrong and I say "nothing," then nothing is wrong. If something is wrong, and I don't want to talk about it, I will say that. If it's something you did, I'll tell you what it was when my temper is no longer at the Mount Kilauea level. Be glad I wait.

2. Farting is always funny to us. Always.
Yes, yes it is... especially when I do it and everyone in the room blames it on you.

3. From time to time we pee in the shower, but most of us try to be discrete about it.
...not as discrete as you think you are

6. The answer to the question "The Godfather is on, do you want to watch it?" is always "YES".
There's no question involved. If "The Godfather" is on, I'm going to watch it. You can watch with me.

7. Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
Navel lint aside... Football is more fun to photograph than to discuss, unless you wish to have the discussion on the sidelines at the right game. If you bring up monster trucks, you'd better have tickets. And beer.

8. We don't mind being told we look good. Just don't call it a "cute outfit."
I'm just happy to see him in clothes without holes in them.

9. Bedtime means "go to sleep", not "ask me stupid questions"
LOL My hubby and I are still in our 30s. Bring up bedtime and you will soon be suffering from TMI-tis.

10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
I can't get my husband to watch sports.

11. Shopping is not a sport.
Shopping sux, unless you count shopping for fish via the string and hook extention using organic (preferably still living) currancy.

14. There is a 10 minute shopping limit in any store without electronics.
...see number 11

15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
Crying indicates that the conversation is on hold until further notice, when I feel I can be taken seriously. No one can be taken seriously with snot on her upper lip.

16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
That is assuming that 1) we know what we want, and 2) what we want now and what we will want fifteen minutes from now will be the same thing or even vaguely resemble each other.

17. We leave the seat up on purpose.
We only have periods because you leave the seat up.

18. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
If I am asking what day it is, it's because I can't remember what day  of the week we're on. Everything else, including my own birthday, is programmed into my phone. God help me if I lose my phone!

19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
You will never convince me that people who have the agility to be able to write their names in the snow while drunk don't have the agility to hit an eighteen inch long, twelve inch wide hole when sober.

20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
I don't have that problem... buying shoes requires going shopping. I have 4 pairs of shoes, 3 pairs of which are hand-me-downs, one of which is Grandpa's old sneakers. I wear those to work... with a skirt.

21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
Especially when the question is "What Would Jesus Do?"

22. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
My ex-boyfriends are irrelevent.

24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
As are "documentaries" by Michal Moore.

26. You can't fart until we do it first. After that, it's a free-for-all.
See the answer to question number 2

28. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become void after 7 days.
If we are repeating an argument we had 6 or 8 months ago, something else is wrong.

30. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes us sound bitchy and judgemental, we meant the other one, unless you left the seat up.

31. What the heck is a doily?
Doilies are a rare breed of table virus designed to prevent efficient use of space by making the surface uneaven and soft. They often travel in groups, taking over large areas within human residences under cover of night, or during evening drama shows and daytime soaps. They appear without warning, with no seeming point of origin. Once access to a home is found, doilies can rapidly take over whole rooms and eventually the entire residence. To date, no effective method of removal has been found, as each time a doily is disposed of, two more crop up to replace it. This has led to one theory that doilies are a distant cousin of tribbles, but so far no further evidence of this has been discovered. Currently, there is little research dedicated to finding a cure.

32. If you think I'm speeding now, you should see me drive when you're not in the car.
I'm just happy I don't have to drive.

33. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done... not both.
This is a two-way street.

35. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
Christopher Columbus thought he was in India.

36. I guarantee you that we do not want to watch any move with Susan Sarandon in it.
I also refuse to watch any talk show in which Susan Sarandon is being interviewed. That goes double for Julia Roberts.

37. Secretly, we care about our fingernails.
Secretly, I don't give a rat's ruddy ass about mine.

38. When I screw up, go ahead and tell me--once.
Like I'm paying that much attention...

39. My guy friends. Not only are they not negotiable, they're your best sign that I'm not a whack job.
My guy friends are also not negotiable, including my gay friend the professional belly dancer.

40. If I offer my help while you're getting ready, it means you're late.
If I'm late, you should have offered help 20 minutes ago.

41. Never ask me to pick out your outfit. (See above.) I will invariably get it wrong and make us even more late.
Outfits are supposet to have a selection process? Go figure.

42. You can pick the movie, but have a reason.
Ask me to pick a movie, and you'd better have a list, or you're going to be watching Uncle Buck... again.

43. No, I don't remember what he said next. Or she. Or anybody, for that matter. I'm a guy, not a tape recorder.
The real version of this rule: Hell, I don't even remember what I said... especially if it might be used as evidence in our next argument!

46. If you don't like the way I do something, then do it youself.
This philosophy can also be applied to cooking...

47. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present, again!
HA! What you don't know is that there is no perfect present. We just do that to see how long we can get you to shop in stores that don't sell electronics. In fact, we all harbor a secret desire for complex little electronic gadgets which do nothing productive, make lots of beepy noises, and come with instructions written in some exotic dialect of engineer-speak so we have to figure out how to use them by trial-and-error.


49. Yelling at me won't solve the problem.
If I'm yelling there is more than one problem.

51. Please never, ever ask us a difficult question while we are making a poopy. Both ends don't work at once.
Most men have developed the ability, similar to that of the skunk, to use foul odor as a defense which keeps predatory question-askers away from the bathroom.

52. Talking like Yoda - enjoy it we do!
Highly effective it is when attempting to make me laugh; inappropriate it is for bedroom banter. Just sayin'.

53. We are always going to prefer U2 over Justin Timberlake. Deal with it.
I am always going to prefer Deff Leppard & Leonard Skynerd to U2. Who the hell is Justin Timberlake? That sounds like a bad parody of a porn star name.

54. "Fine" or "whatever" is not an appropriate ending to a conversation.
Ignoring this rule just could save your life...

55. Don't expect guys to say as many sweet things as they do in the movies. (It takes a lot of guys and their wives to come up with those scripts).
...as long as guys don't expect us to be naked as often as women are in the moves, or as thin, we're cool.

56. You can't hold it against us if we cry after sports movies or "Old Yeller".
Long as you don't cry during beer commercials, we're cool.

60. Nothing you will ever do will entitle you to operate the remote control. (Unless operating means handing it to us.) 
You can have custody of the remote as long as we get custody of the phone. A visitation exchange schedule can be arranged as needed, and will be strictly adhered to as long as our friends don't call about -OMG!- the latest Cute Thing their (husband, kid, dog, etc.) just did.