Something has happened that has thrown me for a loop. I am sitting here both stunned and deeply hurt. I have discovered some information that might mean a betrayal by one of my children against me. I noticed the payment date approaching for one of my credit cards. I logged onto my account to make the payment before I forgot. On the opening page it lists recent account activity. Normally I would be rushing through the payment details since I know I have not used the card and no recent activity should be listed. Something odd on the page caught my eye and made me take a closer look. There were five new charges listed. Immediate alarm bells started ringing. I checked the dates and they were all for Friday November 28. The purchases were all made at the same mall but different stores. This equaled five chances for someone to notice that the card was not in the owner's possession. Whose possession was it in?
Black Friday I had wanted to stay home but was persuaded to venture out with my two daughters and one of my daughter's friends. My youngest daughter had to work later in the morning so she traveled in her own car. Lauren, her friend K and I went together. K lives in another state but had traveled up to visit relatives for Thanksgiving. To my knowledge my credit card was residing in my wallet at this time. Our first stop was Kohls. My youngest met us there. My intentions were to use cash and not charge anything unless I used my Kohls charge card. I took my license and Kohls card out of my wallet and stowed my purse beneath the car seat. Once in the store my youngest and I went one way while Lauren and her friend chose a different direction. A short while later Lauren approached us and said she wanted to go to the mall instead. Michaela wanted to remain at Kohls. I decided to stay with Michaela but needed to retrieve my purse from the car. After locking the purse in the second car Michaela and I continued our shopping spree. Lauren and K went their way.
Parents are not supposed to have favorites but sometimes it happens that we are more connected to one child than the others. Lauren and I have always had a very close bond. She is the first child my husband and I produced together. We bonded through nursing and a rocky recovery from a cesarean section. I took her everywhere with me. Our bond was so close that even after becoming pregnant with Michaela I continued to nurse Lauren. At the time she was already close to 18 months of age and only nursing for comfort during the morning or late in the evening. Her pediatrician recommended that I continue to nurse her even after the baby arrived. I tandem nursed both. He was fearful that weaning her would cause conflict between her and the new baby. I have always believed doing so caused the two siblings to have a very close relationship. Lauren and I remained very close and I believed we still were. However I know sometimes a person can be blind to things they do not wish to see. Have I chosen to blind myself to her faults? I fear this may well be the case.
Lauren moved out of the family home to live with her boyfriend in October of 2007, shortly after her 18th birthday. She works full time while he does not choose to work. He owns a vehicle but can never use it to give Lauren rides to work. I have been allowing her full use of my car so that she can get to and from her job. On a few occasions that I have needed my car he has threatened to make her walk. I have allowed myself to become a recluse in my home so that she doesn't have to deal with his threats. I do still pay the car payments and the insurance. Her pay as a preschool teacher doesn't cover much so I have also supplemented her by paying for her cell phone and buying her groceries once a month. Last Christmas the boyfriend whined about not having a phone. Yep I got him one and put him on our family plan. Lauren insisted on moving out of our home because she no longer could deal with her Dad. He has anger and control issues. The other children have all left as soon as they were of age, all claiming the same thing. I have felt badly that my love was not enough to keep them home until they were financially independent. They would rather scrape by then live comfortably under their father's roof. Surely this is my fault somehow and I have tried making amends for it.
The events of Black Friday lead me to believe either Lauren used my card or her friend did. I phoned Lauren tonight and she has denied knowledge of the use of the card. I am giving her time to consider the matter before calling the card company. I have checked my wallet for the card and it is missing. The only purchases made were on Black Friday and all at the mall I know my daughter had been shopping at. The week of Thanksgiving Lauren had been sleeping at our home since her boyfriend was out of town. She had ample opportunities to access the card. It is so difficult for me to accept that my beloved daughter would hurt me in this manner. If she is responsible this will change my life dramatically. My trust in her will be forever shattered. I have never had issues with her before. Or have I and just been so blind I did not see them. I feel utterly betrayed. Need I mention I also feel stupid. Many times I have chosen her side over others when there has been any conflict. Have I been unfair to my other children because of my blind spot for Lauren. I fear Black Friday is going to take on a whole new meaning for me.
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Comments: 49
But it really might have been her friend.
Talk to your daughter find out if her friend has had any of these issues before.
Did you ever leave the girl alone in the car?
Second, there were 2 of them, not only your daughter, it doesn narrow down the possibilities, but there were 2 that were at the mall.
Third, what were the purchases? Are they from stores that either of them would buy from?
Call the card company.
I had one of mine get mad at me and I was facing prison time. It takes time to trust your kid after such a thing! We love our kids no matter what, but we do not have to love there actions they choose to take.
This is in no way your fault, your kid chose to do it.
I'm also sorry to hear that your children stay away from your house because of their father's control and anger issues. Perhaps if you showed more understanding of their reasons for stayihng away, it would help the situation. I stay away from my parents' house because of my father as well. My mother has never shown any sign of "getting it", that it's scary and often unbearable to be around him. I do my best because I want to see her, but I can not tolerate too much time around that man. It's not you, Linda, it's their dad. Try talking to them about the situation and perhaps a solution will present itself. I hope so.
HUGS.
You got her nonworking BF a phone? And he won't even let your daughter use his car? And your husband has anger issues so the kids all leave, but you still supplement their income? And now you have a preponderance of evidence that your daughter was involved with stealing off of your credit, and she now denies it?
1. Report the theft of your credit card to the credit card company. Dispute the charges.
2. File a police report. Press charges when it is determined who did it. (Those girls shopped together; your daughter would have known what was going on even if her pal handed over your card. In fact she may have encouraged her pal to use it, thinking she wouldn't get caught.)
3. People who steal credit cards generally go for the big stuff, not Dunkin' Donuts and Claire's. This is an inside job. And don't buy into any excuse that suggests she was buying gifts for you with it. Stealing is stealing.
4. What 'anger and control issues' are with your husband? If this means abuse, start protecting all minors from him from this minute forward, at the very least. But if his anger and control issues were related to rule-setting and appropriate consequences--and that's why the kids move out--stop supplementing your kids' income in any way whatsoever.
5. What actions has your daughter taken since the credit card was taken? Did she call K and demand to know what happened? Besides denying it, has she shown anger that this would happen to her mother? Has she advised you to contact the credit card company to see the signatures on the charges?
6. Grieving about the change in your relationship is normal and to be expected. Don't let your grief stand in the way of what you must do now. She is 19 and living as an adult. She needs to face the appropriate consequences for her actions, or this behavior will not change.
7. This may have been a cry for help. After all, there is an obvious paper trail which points to her. Her BF threatens her? Is he abusing her? Is this a continuation of the abuse she got from her Dad? If this rings a bell, go into counseling with her, or encourage her to go on her own, or you go into counseling yourself (your post implies a co-dependent abuse role--if Dad was abusive, maybe you didn't protect the kids from him, and now want to spoil them to compensate?). The pattern likely won't change without intervention.
I realize my comments are heavy-handed. I am offering a view that might be useful to consider. I wish you the best; this won't be easy.
Finaly, you get bad results from being an enabler. If your daughter chose to move out and live with this guy she has to live with the results.
I do not know if this is what you want to hear, but take it from a person who was burned, do it now before it gets worse.
Anyway, if your daughter hasn't done anything to betray you before, most likely she hasn't now. If she has, just remember that she did the betraying and she should be ashamed of herself, and you have nothing to feel guilty about, you did nothing wrong. So often, when someone has done us wrong, we think that we should have known or could have prevented it, but that's just not true.
I would just be very factual with her and tell her what you are going to do - "hey, I'm going to report those charges on my credit card" without any blame or anything - and maybe if she's involved in any way, she will come forward.
Good luck!
It would hurt me to have my child do this and not admit it. I wouldn't think your daughter would use your card without asking permission and making arrangements to repay you.
I do know parents whose children have stolen from them and lied. Keep an open mind until you know for certain who used the card.
hope it works out
People do strange things when they are living with abuse.... If she did this, see if you can find a way to have compassion for her, but more importantly, find a way to have compassion for yourself so that you don't need to keep enabling her or her boyfriend. I hope you can feel all the empathy this group has for you and your current situation. But my grandmother used to say something that always stuck with me -- "This too shall pass...."
You should sit down with her and ask her straight out. If she does deny taking it, then, tell her that you have to report the card as stolen. But, if it turns out that she did use it, and didn't return it, and is lying, you could get in trouble for filing a false theft claim.
And, if she is truly guilty, she might fess up to keep you from getting in trouble with the law.
If she's innocent, there's no harm or foul.
As others have said here, you have to aproach this in a calm manner, but finding out the reason they would betray your trust in this way is important. I wonder if the difficulties she has with this "boyfriend" of hers might be a contributing factor. If he is so lazy as to refuse to work, and such a slug as to refuse to give her a ride to and from work, maybe he deprives her of other things as well.
I wish you luck with this, and if it is any consolation, you can still overcome and keep the bond you have. It took time for me, but today we are closer than ever.