What do you do with a fellow gatherer who is constantly putting you down and deriding you behind your back? Especially when you somehow feel too insecure to stand up to them? Here's how to avoid being intimidated and maintain your self-respect.
Sometimes being too nice is all wrong. You are probably seen as this person's friend and that is very bad for your own reputation.
People like this befriend you by playing that old junior high game of gossiping about someone else, in order to feel closer to the person with whom they are gossiping. This is a mark of an insecure, needy and immature person. You need to D-I-S-T-A-N-C-E yourself from this poisonous person before the venom taints your reputation.
Bullies win allies through intimidation: "You'd better not cross me, or I'll make your life miserable, just like I made everyone else suffer who wanted to pull away from me."
You can choose not to be intimidated and you can deflect any negative fallout by taking a few simple steps:First, have a conversation with the person and tell them that you are going to start distancing yourself
When you actively disagree the sniper will soon realize you are pulling away from them.
If they do not get the hint , be more direct. "I really have so much to do; I can't spare any time to chat."
And if they still are clueless, "I'd really prefer that we not discuss our fellow gather members. I think it's important that we all get along and so I'd like to try to give them the benefit of the doubt. I certainly hope they will do the same for me."
If your poisonous friend turns on you, here's the antidote: ignore them. They can only hurt you if you let them. Treat them with the same civility and professionalism you always have.
If they get really nasty and make an attempt to retaliate by badmouthing you again behind your back explain exactly what your strategy has been in an article and post why you are distancing yourself from them.
It would also be very nice if other gather members band together against this behavior, that is the perpatrators problem. When they finally tire of it, they will not continue this behavior or just go away.
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Comments: 12
1. First One's Free. - Too often, I've seen people so ready for contact that at the drop of the hat, they are off and running to put out a fire. Sometimes, snipers simply misspeak. It's easy to let your perceptions run wild, interpret whatever you've heard as an attack, and overreact. You won't lose the respect by smiling, rephrasing what you've heard, and continuing on. But rest assured, the second one isn't free
2. Relay – A "relay" is a technique that allows the someone to rephrase what they are hearing, and ask for a response . It might sound a little dangerous, but I've been in rplaces that were full of hostile people, relayed to them. Amateurs will try and fix what they hear in front of people. Professionals will let the rest of the audience do their fighting for them. Even people who are resisting what is being taught, and don't want to be there, recognize when someone is inappropriate. It often reflects on the organization, and they are itching to get at these people themselves. Snipers can embarrass the audience they are a part of and that audience will come to bat for you.
Flush Out Your Sniper – It's a gutsy move, but sometimes, there is just no other way. If you've taken the first shot, and relayed the second, and your Sniper is back for thirds, it's time to bring them out of hiding. It must be delivered with a harmless, and quizzical expression, but try asking this question of your sniper: "You know, that came out a little aggressively. Did you intend it that way?" In 22 years, I've never had a sniper who answered the question, "Yes." What you are doing is exposing the snipers for who they are, and delivering your own message to the sniper "I know what's happening here, and I've had enough."
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Thanks for responding to my sister's article! You were her first commenter (article) here on gather
Your husband's speech is terrific help. Eventually you do have to flush-out the sniper. And his way of doing so is most strategic. Give him a big hug and a kiss for me. I'm memorizing his quote verbatim.
Thanks for this April.