West Oz 10
The Swan Valley
Well, good buddy, I promised to take you to some arty-crafty joints but I thought you'd probably prefer the liquid type of souvenirs. So I'm going to take you for a burn on the motorbike through the full length of the Swan Valley - it'd take us some 15 - 20 minutes if we didn't stop to buy locally-produced wine ... and you name it. The Swan Valley is chock-a-block full with vineyards, cellars, restaurants ... there's even a chocolate factory, ice creamery ... the list just goes on and on. Tourists love it! And an innocent abroad like you would pay accordingly ... except your life-like Mr Beelzebub mask should dissuade them from ripping you off. An ape like me has no problems ... I just wave my magic banana wand and the discounts flow thick and fast.
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Okay, but first we'll stop here in Midland Junction for a caffeine fix, good buddy. We'll leave my rumbling black motorbike parked here.
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That's the old Midland Town Hall clock tower. Midland Junction was the first major eastern outreach of the Swan River Colony - Perth and Fremantle. Inland from Perth there was first Guildford, which we'll have a look at another time, and then came Midland ... at the foot of the Darling Scarp.
Enough of history! We've got plenty of time for leisurely coffees and then for a laid-back cruise on the bike along the Swan Valley tourist drag.
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We'll just stroll across this little park ... places for relaxing in are everywhere in the Perth metropolitan region.
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That's where we're going ... the Sage Café ... where that lady is blabbing on a mobile. Nowadays, you can't seem to escape the damned telephone.
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Good heavens, Mr Beelzebub, look into the little park we just crossed. There, just past the red letterbox. Yet more blabbing on the phone! Why can't people leave this security blanket at home?
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Take a pew, Mr B. I'll go order our coffees. Yes, I'll tell Melanie that you like yours scorching hot.
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I occasionally come to the Sage Café for coffee and a cooked breakfast. Melanie, the owner and cook, is so generous. Talk about a big breakfast! She always heaps my plate full ... three eggs, bacon and more toast than you can shake a stick at. And the percolated coffee is to die for! I tell you, Mr B., I'm hard pressed to get out of my chair, afterwards. While I demolish all of that, cast your peepers across the street.
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That's the old court house, across the road from us. It was almost certainly built by convict labour, some 150 years or so ago.
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Yes, that is the British Monarchy's coat of arms at the top ... West Oz was a British Colony until 1901, when Australia became a nation of federated states. But even then, Oz referred to England as the, 'mother country' and was still greatly influenced by it. At least, that's what I think my history teacher said. As it is, Australia is still not a republic ... the Queen of England remains as the Queen of Australia in our Commonwealth Constitution.
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Okay, let's rumble into the Swan Valley and have a bit of a gander.
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Yes, Mr Beelzebub, take a snap. This is a typical scene in the valley ... vineyard properties with big houses on large acreages. Did you get a nice shot of my black motorbike in the pic you just took? My bike alone should be a must-see tourist sight as a sacred site.
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This is also typical, Mr B. Look towards the top of the left driveway and you'll see a contented couple just strolling along. Ah, what a life!
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Here we are ... you can stock up on Wild Swan vodka, gin and whiskey. I bet the folks in Hell would like a drop.
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And you can have a browse in here as well for liquid souvenirs with a kick.
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Yes, Mr Beelzebub. You can also look in here for more bottles of hooch to take home with you. There's heaps of room in the bike's saddlebags.
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While you shop for grog till you drop from the free samples of drinkies, I'll listen to those guitar dudes on the right.
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Oh, I don't think we should go in there, Mr B. You might fail the breathalyzer test ... let alone the testing by sex-starved women.
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It doesn't look very inviting, does it? Perhaps that's why the tourist buses don't come down this side road.
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Oh, this is giving you some hot ideas for the main reception centre in hell, is it?
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Yes, Mr Beelzebub, we're going to have a look at a small but very historic church. Even though it named All Saints Church, and that neither of us has been sainted as yet, I'm sure we're welcome to potter around. No, I don't think that you should stick your pitchfork in the donations box.
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Oh, I wonder what that white plaque says.
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Well, fancy that!
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Good grief! This little church was part of the diocese centred in Adelaide, thousands and thousands of miles away, across the far side of the enormous Nullarbor Plain.
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Let's stroll around and have a sticky beak.
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Oh, come on Mr B.! It won't hurt you to have a gander inside a church.
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Small but cute, and with a lovely stain glass window. Oh, it's not your thing, Mr Beelzebub? No, I expect not.
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Ah, have a read of this!
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Grief, George was keen! The man was not only the Advocate General, Judge and Colonial secretary but also conducted divine services in this church. In winter, he had to swim the river to do so. Oh, your devotees walk through fire, do they, Mr B.?
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Golly, that grave looks old! I wonder what the little plaque says.
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Fancy that! I've never heard of the man!
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Oh, Mr Beelzebub, read the inscription on this headstone. Is this a smart message for all of us? Oh, let's not go there, you reckon, Mr B. Hmmm.
See also:
West Oz (photo essays)
001 My Home City - Perth, Western Australia
005 Fremantle...Hello007 Don't look back in the Perth Zoo
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Comments: 38
The countryside of the Swan Valley is just beautiful with the rolling hills and the orchards and vineyards. The hill towns are just what I expected. I'm glad you showed us the prison, the place where Sterling camped and All Saint's Church...I imagine all three of these places would not be on a regular tourist ride. Meandering around old cemeteries is fun...I love reading old headstones. Imagine swimming the river to hold services!
As for cell phones, I'm with you...wouldn't own one if you paid me!
I do love the flowers in Australia, so exotic - and how do you fine folks feel about the Queen? Canada still loves her and wants to remain with her but I am not sure about the Aussies. We left that mothership for better or worse. Better, I think.
What I showed you in the tour today...especially the prison and, to a lesser degree, the little church...are not visited by the tourist buses. The vineyards are. But I reckon when you've seen one you've seen them all.
West Oz in particular has an abundance of wildflowers, flowering shrubs and trees in bloom. As to the Queen, the majority of Australians are republicans in their outlook...according to opinion polls. It is inevitable that, constitutionally, we will become a republic.
Thank you very much for the honour of featuring this article.
Ferry cruises up the Swan River to the cellars and restaurants in the Valley are very popular with tourists... but I doubt you'd find many locals doing it this way, though.
Thank you for taking us on this refreshing trip!
Yes, West Oz doesn't have wall-to-wall people and thus there is room to breathe - clean air because the little smog that sometimes is present is quickly blown away by the winds. And compared to other parts of the world, it is a safe place to live.
I enjoyed the extra landmarks of interest you took us to, on this excursion: The All Saint´s Anglican Church---in my visits to England I´ve seen lots of that lovely austere architecture and interior design, quite refreshing after the Gothic, high Renaissance and the Baroque of the icon-stuffed Spanish cathedrals and churches; the Bandyup woman´s prison (it seems like torture itself to put a correctional facility in a place of such great beauty, but they did the same in Northern California, putting the prison right on Alcatraz Island with the best view of San Francisco bay and San Quentin prison exactly where the second best view is!)
Another witty, educational and visually interesting photo essay from Australia´s most famous ¨POME¨ape (that´s Prisoner of Mother England, for the readers not astute enough to make the connection with your statement in the article about Elizabeth being Queen of Australia.)
I´m reading a brilliant book of mini-essays by perhaps the most cultured journalist and man of letters from your continent, Magi, Mr. Clive James, entitled CULTURAL AMNESIA. While reading it I keep thinking of you, because he is also a bit of an iconoclast about sacred cows and yet the bloke can write like an angel and he´s probably read more than any academic out there over-specialized in their little Chaucer studies field or Jacques Derrida cottage industry. I seriously suggest you pick up Mr. James intellectual history in these bite sized bios of great minds, you´ll go bonkers with it. Or ape, if you please.
I am an admirer of Clive James .... over the years he has featured as a commentator in many BBC produced documentaries screened in Oz. I take it as a huge compliment your comparing me with him - I greatly admire his sharp and intelligent wit. I will try to get hold of a copy of his book of essays.
And thank you very much, my friend.
so we son't have to pay for breakfast right?
okay go get the bike i'm right behind you.
Can you tell me where the 50 000 South Africans stay? Are they kept in some prison? *hahaha*. Hopefully also with a river view. Said tongue in cheek with a naughty smile.
They do tell me that it's a very safe place.
That bouganvillea was stunning. I think I'd put up with the thorns to have something that beautiful running rampant in my garden — if I had a garden, of course.
I'm with you on the cell phones. They are like an addiction to so many people. Better than crack, I suppose, but annoying as hell to the rest of us.
I'm glad you enjoyed the tour ... enjoyment provides a boost of positive energy.
Why not have a crack at a photo-essay? You learn by doing! And I'm still learning, my friend.
You won't see the tourist buses at the prison or the historic little church.
I also like exploring cemeteries and reflecting on the lives that once were lived.