Honey, Does This Make My Butt Look Big

      She went out shopping today...wanted to pamper herself and was feeling in a sexy mood.  She was thinking of slinking into that naughty new store downtown with mannequins modeling nighties in the front window.  I didn't care what she did or where she went.  The main thing is she was out of here for a little while so I could have some me time.  Ah, just me and the dog...two guys hangin' out doing guys things together.  Here I am laying on the couch, bottle of beer and bag of chips, watching baseball in my underwear, able to scratch what I want when I want.  Ruff seems to be enjoying himself, too.  Pup, if I could only lick what you can like you can, I'd never leave the house.

      Just being a guy; not the easiest thing in the world to do, especially if you've got a gal around the house.  You can never really be yourself around them when they always want you to act so proper.  I love you just the way you are.  Now, can you change a few things?  I never got that one.  Where's Billy Joel telling me don't go changing and how he loves me just the way I am?  I went though so much of that with my first fiancee.  You know, I really don't care for ________(fill in the blank...any answer is a correct answer).  Have you ever thought about changing it?  Obviously not since it is the way it is...or I would have changed it.  I like it the way it is...that's why it's that way.  But it would look so much better if you did it my way.  I began to wonder what she was attracted to with me in the first place.

      When I think back, she didn't find anything about me appealing when I first met her.  She was a waitress at the coffee shop inside the drugstores downtown.  She did anything she could to not have to wait on me.  To be honest, she wasn't all that herself.  I didn't care who took care of me; just give me my coffee.  It wasn't difficult to tell I repulsed her like a troll.  This was back in my goth/metal radio days, so I didn't really have that boy next door look going on.  She was from an even smaller town and I doubt if she's ever seen a "rock star bad boy" up close and in real life.  Better get used to it, Toots; I'm a regular and come in every day.  The people who talked to me were many, which puzzled her.  How can they even speak to me, let alone slide into my booth and join me.  

      I had my two "Coffee Moms"; both named Kathy.  They were about the same age as each other and had me beat by 15 years...kind of like a friend/big sister/mother all rolled into one.  The first Kathy was just Kathy.  I was closest to her.  The other Kathy I called "Slut".  That's what her ex-husband referred to her as when he saw her talking to a divorced guy at one of their church socials...while he was the one having an affair behind her back the the divorced guy's ex-wife.  There was an old gal, Alice.  She had to have been around when they invented dirt.  Rolly polly, a little on the plump side; she was a loud, brash, old school Irish woman.  Her laugh could be heard throughout the store and if she had something on her mind to say; she said it and everyone listened.  You had to listen; you couldn't help but hear it.  My "fans" were many and I'd have those who wanted to visit with me filling the next booth and the stools nearby at the counter...young, old, male, female, rich, poor.  I welcomed people from all walks of life.

      She would talk to my main coffee mom and old Alice quite a bit.  They became her favorites, too.  They assured her I was harmless and there was a different person behind that get up.  She started warming up to me a little...and I saw a challenge.  Knowing she didn't like me; I was going to make her love me.  I was shocked the one day she actually waited on me and didn't run into the kitchen to hide.  I smiled, small talked and gave her a wink.  I swear, after that, she'd nearly break her neck to have my coffee waiting when she'd see me come through the front door.  She always tried to set it in the back booth.  Not only was that my favorite seat, but the waitresses would come over and sit there when they got a break.  

      Her name was Penny; short for Penelope.  Yah, you won't ever hear me calling her that.  I guess her parents found it somewhere in their Mormon Bible.  Did you get that?  She comes from a Mormon family...and look at me!  This was going to be an even bigger challenge than I thought.  I had to step things up a notch and I started leaving her a special tip every day.  I stop by the flower shop across the street every morning before I went to coffee and I'd buy a single pink carnation.  Instead of my usual dollar tip she'd have to split with the other gal on duty; this was all hers.  I still left the dollar, too.  It worked; I wore her down...she was mine.

      The place she worked for was having a Christmas party and she ended up asking me to escort her so she wouldn't be alone.  Everyone else who worked there was married and would be attending with their spouse.  I had known them all; and their spouses; for years already, so I accepted the invitation.  It would be just like having coffee with them all, except this time, I get cocktails and a meal.  At the end of the night, as I walked her to her apartment door; we shared our first kiss.  In the morning, she served me breakfast in bed.  What a wild one that good, little Mormon girl turned out to be.  I should have taken note on all that, but I was smitten.  

      We had our "honeymoon" period that lasted a couple of months; always together, out for cocktails and dinner, me waking up to breakfast in bed quite a few times.  Since we were constantly together, she came up with the idea to share an apartment so we both could have more room and be together...forever.  *Sound of a thick, iron vault door slamming shut*  What am I getting myself into?  It took a couple more months before that question finally crossed my mind.  The honeymoon finally wore off and reality was starting to set in.  I wasn't totally thrilled with the way things were going.  The real Penny was coming through and she thought she had landed her sucker...err...man.

      I went from being the guy she loved no matter what...to her trying to mold me into the man her parents wanted me to be.  Time out here, sister!  I'm not in this for your mom and dad.  I'm here for you.  Let's just leave them out of this.  From the point I figured that little game out, I had a hard time seeing if it was her parent's wishes or what she wanted.  I was bucking that system from every angle.  I've mentioned in the past what her goal in life was.  She wanted to be a good Mormon mom, pop out rug rat after rug rat, and stay at home watching soap operas...while I worked two jobs to give her and the children everything they wanted.  *Sound of brakes screeching*  I had to throw a flag on that play...15 yard penalty for unsportsman like conduct!  

      I won't go into the gory details...this time...of how things ended.  That's some story in itself.  Let's just say I no longer called her Penny.  Due to inflation, she became a "Two Bit" ho.  From her actions while we were together, I knew I was in for trouble with this one.  She was always making decisions that affected the both of us...and I didn't even know about whatever it was I should have had a choice in.  The topper was one evening when I arrived home from work and we had an entirely brand new living room.  She had walked home past the furniture store, saw it in the front window...and it was on sale.  She wanted it...and she used my money to pay for it!  First thing the next morning, that store got a call to come pick up their furniture and give me my money back.

      The questions she would ask were killer, too.  How many times I've bitten my tongue and given the answer she was fishing for.  Those days were drawing to a close.  She started finding out my real opinion when we took a vacation trip to Niagara Falls, Canada; a"rehersal" for our real honeymoon.  We were 8 months from our wedding and I sure wasn't planning on Niagara Falls.  I was thinking more along the lines of Jamaica.  She spent most of her time in bed sleeping while I was off sight-seeing.  She could have done that at home for free...spend more of my money. 

      The final night we were there, we had dinner and cocktails out and made it back to our room around midnight.  While I was in the bathroom, she made the quick switch.  It was time to break out that sexy nightie she bought while out shopping.  As I came back into the room, she was nowhere to be found.  The balcony door was open and when I looked out; there she stood in the moonlight with just that sleek negligee gently flowing in the breeze.  It sure looked different from the usual tee shirt and sweat pants she wore to bed.  I knew what was coming...leave it to her to break a cool mood.  I looked once and all I saw was Olive Oil standing there.  I blinked and rubbed my eyes to look again and there was Laqueesha with her huge ghetto booty; so much junk in her trunk, it could have been deemed a dump.  I really should plead the 5th because because the true answer is going to get me in so much trouble.  Hey, she already broke the mood, so I might as well seal the deal...no nothin' for no one tonight.  Testify, Rob...the truth will set you free.  As she stood there smiling and batting her eyes, she asked, "Honey, does this make my butt look big?"  Never ask me a question you might not get the answer you want to hear.   No one got nothin' that night, but I had a great night's sleep.