How old is your cat?

"In the past 2500 years mankind has changed their position on feline divinity. Cats haven't."


Last week I stumbled onto a website called CatAge.com that has a twenty-page questionnaire to determine the real age of your cat. My first question was: Why would I want to know that? The second question: Could I use this information as bargaining leverage with my cat, Ashes?

As with all cat owners, I have been in a constant power struggle with Ashes since she was a kitten. Cats have considered themselves above humans ever since, well, there were humans. Ancient Egyptians accepted that point of view and deified cats. However, in the past 2,500 years mankind has changed its position on feline divinity. Cats haven't.

I went to the CatAge.com site where I had to register a secret password so I could access my cat's confidential information in the future. This protection is to thwart cat identity theft, which is easier to do with cats than people because with cats you don't have to have a Social Security number, or a password or match the date of birth to name and address. You can steal a cat's identity by giving her name and, when asked for some identifying marks, just type in a word like "calico."

My paranoia started percolating when I visited CatAge. The print was larger than normal, the buttons were bigger and, instead of a word like "CONTINUE," a push button might say "MEOW" or "BE GOOD." I'm not making this up. The buttons on this Internet site are clearly designed for cat navigation.

On the second page they ask for "Your cat's first name." I breathed a little easier because they used the possessive so I know the site is not completely controlled by cats, who dispute out of paw the concept of human ownership. Why, then, is the site so cat-user friendly? I don't turn my computer off at night. I put it to sleep. One stroke on any key and the computer wakes up. For all I know, Ashes is surfing the Internet all night long, catting around on social networking sites like Cather, buying cat toys from catalogs.com with my credit card or plotting a cat jihad for making here take the dead mouse outside. No wonder Ashes sleeps all day. She must be exhausted.

I decided to take the questionnaire, hoping to obtain information I could trade Ashes for, say, not using the antique grandfather clock as a scratching post.

After the basic information questions, they asked: "What kind of e-mail can you and Ashes accept?" (I swear this is true.) My paranoia flared up again because they didn't ask what I thought would be the obvious first question: Can your cat read? Now, I'm really worried. This site may well be what the military call an enemy installation.

I read the privacy policy carefully. The CatAge people (or their cats) promise the information I provide will remain private except for their sponsor, Ralston Purina and anyone else who will pay them cash money. Pretty standard.

They also mentioned that they "fully cooperate with law enforcement agencies in identifying those who use our services for illegal activities." I wondered exactly what illegal activity a cat might engage in besides hunting some endangered rodent species. If so, am I legally responsible for her actions? Could the two of us end up sharing a cell with a guy named Bubba and his Bobcat?

Next they asked, "What is Ashes' gender?" I felt this was getting pretty personal. Operating under the assumption that my cat may be accessing my computer at night, I'm pretty sure I don't want her to have this information - or who ordered the operation.

When the questionnaire was finished I got the results, which included this statement: "Although your pet's CatAge is older than average, it's not too late to make a few lifestyle changes to help your cat feel and live younger, longer."

I asked Ashes if she wanted to know the results of the test. She ignored me. Then I said, "Do you know how old you are?" She lifted her head and gave me a look that said, "Old enough to know not to believe a stupid questionnaire."

Getting a cat to make "lifestyle" changes is like getting Bush to admit he made a mistake. Clearly, I'll get no leverage from these results. To be on the safe side, I think I'll put some talcum powder on the computer keys tonight and see if anyone's surfing while I'm sleeping.
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