Paris Hilton Stings LA Prison System

“The cells are too small for a hamster much less a celebutante.”  

Los Angeles June 26 After Paris Hilton was released from jail today, federal authorities confirmed rumors that her incarceration was a sanctioned sting operation to determine quality of living conditions in the Los Angeles prison system, particularly for female inmates.

While it is unusual to use a civilian for such operations, a federal spokesman, who refused to be identified by other than his middle name, “White”, explained that the “Hilton’s have for decades been leaders in the hospitality business. The family’s experience in the accommodation field and Ms. Hilton’s record of never having slept in the same bed more than one day in a row, made the hotel heiress an ideal investigator.”

White confirmed that the FBI had coordinated the operations with state and local officials by falsifying DUI arrest records and dummy bench warrants. “We continue to be amazed at the gullibility of the press and the public and count on that heavily in our upcoming election campaign strategies.”

Authorities said today that the sting operation was a normal operation in the accommodation industry. Hotel properties are regularly visited by employees who report on items such as quality, cleanliness and how frequently mini-bars are restocked. “What’s barely legal for corporate America,” said White, “should be barely legal enough for Uncle Sam.”

While the Hilton Report, as it is being referred to inside the Beltway, has not been made public, the confidential sources who cashed our checks say Paris lambasted the prison accommodations and made the following points:
1 -  “The cells are too small for a hamster much less a celebutante.”
2 - The décor “would make Martha Stewart barf haute cuisine chunks.”
3 - The food was plentiful “if you are a pet and I don’t mean one of my boy pets.”
4 - The mono-color, tasteless ensemble inmates are forced to wear would have a negative affect on anyone’s self-esteem. Sources close to Ms. Hilton quoted her as saying; “I personally had to resist urgings to rob a bank as soon as I got out just to get in some decent duds. If I didn’t have the fortune of owning 127 closets of clothes, I’m not sure I could have resisted immediately entering a life of crime.”

Paris refused any press interviews upon her release, except for a marathon session on “Larry King Live,” where she will replay the video of her “Crying for Mommy Scene” at the courthouse as proof that all those who said she had no acting ability didn’t know their elbow from their ass. 

Hilton’s press agent released a short statement saying Ms. Hilton was pleased to do her part for the United States Government that has been so kind to her family in depreciation tax allowances and also because God told her to do it in a recorded conversation which will be released as soon as they can press 25 million albums to go on sale in record stores simultaneously around the world. “God doesn’t play favorites,” said Ms. Hilton. “Everyone should have an equal chance to see this, except for a few thousand close friends who will be getting the album tomorrow. Status still has its privileges.”
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