Code Dad? What's the right mix?

Somewhere in the transition from "The Old Days" to now, it seems a few things didn't get completely worked out. While TV is full of couples who share parenting and household chores equally, it's not always that way in real life. Aside from the fact that real life is never TV-perfect, the fact is we're still in transition. Traditional ideas about our roles and duties linger at home, at school and on the job. Let's face it, the cultural icon for Dad is still a guy with a hammer, not a guy with an apron.

In fact, the whole issue of icons is one reason you may have trouble asking for changes in your parenting responsibilities. You can't ask your spouse or partner to take on traditional "mommy chores" unless you're willing to expand your own definition of what makes a great Dad. No sense asking the poor guy to do things that will lower your opinion of him over time.

But, hey, it's not 1907 and things are changing. The problem is, with "the rules" halfway out the window and halfway in, it's so important in every relationship to work out the couple codes you want to live by. This is something that takes time and good listening skills. A list of house rules hastily posted on the refrigerator doesn't exactly encourage dialogue.

As with just about everything else in relationships, the big discussions are rooted in feelings. You have to be aware of your feelings and your partner's before you can communicate. That's "be aware," you'll notice, not "understand." Understanding may come later, but you'll miss your bus several times over if you wait for it to arrive before you take action. Have patience, however, and you can begin to work toward a more cooperative way of parenting.

Of course, transferring responsibility for certain parenting or household duties includes letting go. Sharing the chores equally means sharing them as equals. Your perfect way of mopping the kitchen is just that: your way. Your partner may have another. The proof is in the shiny results or the mere fact that you now have time to read a book for a change.

And guess what? By allowing yourself to expand your partner's "icon," you're also expanding your own. Once you experience the broader view of yourself that comes from having more time to think, plan and just be you, you'll never go back. It's a moment you might call "Code Self-Realization."

What's the first step you take when you want to talk things out? Does your partner understand your needs or do you need a lot of blinking lights to get his attention? Do you have trouble letting go and letting someone else handle a chore in their own way? Should chore-swapping go only one way? What about traditional "daddy chores:" Are you willing to take on any of them?

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