So much has been written about the difficulties of making relationships work, you might wonder why we bother, if they're so much trouble. Maybe it's because there's nothing more wonderful in the world than when a relationship is going well. Sigh.
OK, but the reality is that the day-to-day aspects of living in a couple can test the powers of the wisest elder or the giddiest romantic. Every day of the week, another couple breaks up over the proper use of the toaster or the exact time of day to empty the cat box.
When you think about it rationally, the toaster is just an object. Why should things be able to break us apart? The reason is that, when a "toaster incident" occurs, no matter how bad the argument gets, you're never really arguing about toast. You're trying to address larger issues in the relationship that are hard to talk about — by arguing about an issue that's easier to talk about. In other words, you're speaking in code!
Seen from that angle, these arguments are as unproductive as they are just plain silly. If something is bothering you in a relationship, the only way to address it is to get the problem out on the table.
While it can be scary to "open a can of worms," keep in mind that it's all in how you open it. Wait until you both have time to talk, face to face and without interruption. Also, it's important to keep your expectations realistic. Big changes take time and it may take more than one conversation for both of you to reach an understanding.
Start by being clear. Sum up your request at the start of the conversation and express it in terms of what you want rather than what your partner should or should not do. That way, you're laying out a problem you want to discuss, rather than demanding a particular solution. You'll be setting up the problem as something you want the two of you to solve together. Above all, be prepared to listen. Give your partner a chance to reflect on what you say and share his point of view.
Once you develop a calm, loving "code of conduct" for discussing your shared life issues, you'll find it's much easier to resolve problems as they arise, instead of letting them boil over. Think how wonderful that will be: You'll never again have that dumb argument about who-left-the-bathroom-light-on!
Do you ever find yourself speaking in code to your partner instead of discussing things openly? What's the silliest argument you've every had with your spouse or partner? How do you work out problems in your relationship? Are there some problems that keep coming back? How do you handle them?
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Comments: 6
still what do you do when there is a built up of resentment and communication impossible?
yes, it matters what and how you say it but what if the other person is not willing to listen at all ?
Blessings
It wasn't really about the carrot. It was the fact that I was tired, my husband was tired, our little boy had colic, our 3 year old was having a major case of the jealous syndrome and we were cranky people for a couple of months!
When I think about it now, I think it was such a silly thing for me to get mad for! OVER A CARROT!!! LOL!