Time Out and Spankings - Abuse or Appropriate Punishment?

Talking to your children is probably better. Kids really do want to figure out how the world works. But who has time. A spanking is so quick and the parent doesn't have to be clever (and how many parents are clever ???).

(and parents get ANGRY - who wants to talk when you're angry???)

You should NEVER discipline/punish your child out of anger. Discipline is for correction and teaching. Spanking as a form of correction and hitting your child out of anger are two different things. So is explaining right from wrong and yelling. I think it's not what you do that is important, but how you do it.

Listening to your child is even more important than talking to them.

There are some kids that don't get the message the first couple of times and need to be corrected. There are also some parents that let their kids run amok and then trouble occours. There has to be a happy medium.

I was the only one of my parents' kids who wasn't spanked (I'm the youngest of 8). All I had to hear was Mom's voice get "that edge sound" and I knew to stop doing whatever I was doing and listen/pay attention to her. lol

As I now have 4 kids of my own, I haven't spanked any of them. They respond very well to time outs and losing privileges like TV, etc.

Now, all that said, I don't think people who spank their kids are abusers. It just hasn't been necessary for us to get to that point.

I was spanked quite a bit as a kid, deserving every one. I turned out okay.

That being said, I don't really believe spanking is a big deterrent to kids. It wasn't for me.

Often mom would say, "I'm going to count to 10, and then you get a spanking". She probably only got to 3 to get me to stop or come - and the threats of spankings happened a lot more than an actual one - maybe 20 to 1.

After we got the angry belt on the bare bottom, all we needed was a threat.

I was spanked AND got time-outs as a kid. I have never felt as though I was "abused" or anything like that. Whether or not I'll choose to spank when I have my own kids.. who knows. Time outs? Definitely.

I do both, I think there are times when times out is the only thing needed, but as of recent brayden has been doing this to his sister, (hurting her, that I will give him a quick tap on the but. I don't sit there and beat him, i give him a quick tap.

I see nothing wrong with spanking.. but I like to do time outs mostly

my mom used a belt...I think I am fine LOL

there are just times when spankings are appropiate. I try not to spank, however, and do the time out thing instead...they don't like that any better.

I am not an advocate of spankings....abuse is when anything you do causes bleeding, bruises or red marks that stay for hours.

Many people make loose their temper and do things they may not have meant to and it turns into abuse.

It is a fine line and I think their are other ways to adequately discipline a child without resorting to physical means. When we speed, we are given speeding tickets, when we don't do our job at work we get warnings or pink slips... we got to jail if we get arrested. In other parts of the world physical punishment is used as punishment.

I think the best was is to reward and give positive reinforcement. Too often we don't praise our children enough when they are young so they don't want to disappoint us.

I was spanked. So were my siblings. We were never abused. Always on our tush. I have spanked my older son but I felt so guilty after that I stopped. I now use that "edgy voice" and maybe a few warning cuss words here and there. They both get "back in line" quickly. I do not see spanking as abuse unless there is a mark left or if a parent just losses it and whacks repeatedly for no reason.

If the parents do it because it helps the kid remember the lesson, and they spank in love, it is appropriate. But if they do it because they are upset and it is a means of vent their anger, then it is no good.

I don't think a quick wack on the behind, when other forms of discipline haven't worked; is abusive- just as long as a parent isn't going too far with it- but time outs may actually be more effective in a lot of cases. We mostly were given time outs when we were kids, unless we did something that was reallly bad; then it was a wack on the behind- it's not like we were beaten. Not disciplining kids at all, because someone's afraid of damaging them; seems like it would do the most damage. I don't think they would learn respect for others, and it would make it harder for them to get along and work with others as they got older- because they wouldn't learn respect for others- thinking they could do anything.

No discipline is why so many kids have no bounderies now.

So, why is it that countries that abhor physically hurting children have less violent crime than we do?

I think the type of discipline used on a child depends on the child. Some can be controled with words, time outs, that edge of warning in the voice. Others are more bound to push the bounderies and they may need a swat or two on the little butt to remind when they are pushing those bounderies. I said swat or two, anything else is over kill and easily can become abuse. My oldest granddaughter is very boisterous and sometimes just a swat on her diaper makes her stop. Other times we got to remove her from the room, she likes to throw fits.

I had a step father who loved to use the belt for any reason. It didn't damage me beyond hope but it would have been considered abuse now a days.

I think hitting a child just teaches a child that it's ok to hit someone when you're angry. How do you teach a child not to hit his siblings? By hitting him? Nah, sorry. It's like cussing out your kid for cussing.

I agree with you Paul...

1st: "spare the rod, spoil the child"--the wording is from a shepherding POV(remember that the bible was written a little before our time)...a shepherd would have NEVER hit a sheep with the rod because that would have caused fear and a possible stampede--resulting in loss of sheep. Shepherds guide with a rod(think sheperd's hook) -- possilby using it to scare away predators or striking a predator(wolf?coyote?), but using it on the sheep as we use the walkways in bank lines---as a guide, not something to hit with.
2nd--yes I was hit as a child...and it only made me more rebellious--I can't do this? Watch me--I just won't get caught. Now, ground me and I'd hated that! The only thing I learned from spanking was that my parents could physically hurt me when they were mad--and yes, that's what I thought. I didn't get spanked very often--and I don't think ever with anything but a hand, but I think/thought it was barbaric--how old are you and you don't have the intelligence or ability to teach???? Only hurt????
My children, 99% of the time, received punishment other than being hit--and putting a nicer word like "spanking" on it doesn't change it---you are physically hurting another human being, one that is much smaller than you and one that you allegedly care about.

I was spanked as a child and so were my children and my 7 year old gets them every now and then now. 30 or more years ago was abuse, my siblings told me they was spanked with cords and switches but for some reason, that era of children are better than the ones we have now. The ones we have now who don't get spanked or the worse ones, we need to do what the bible says and leave it at that.

I say if you use a object, leave a mark of any kind it is abuse. James gets time outs, he looses toys. Spanking is only in last resort and dangerous resorts. He runs out in the road, yes he has gotten a swat on the bottom. I as well believe if you spank a child then they are going to use hitting as solving the problem.

Discipline depends on the child and the situation. If the misdeed can be addressed by a time out than that is the method that should be opted for. I don't believe spanking increases violence in children. They can see and understand the difference between a swat on the bottom and punching someone. If this wasn't true than children would be spanking each other at school not hitting each other in other places. There are some children that will not learn from time out and spanking is called for. There is a big difference between a light swat and child abuse.

I was also spanked as a child. I think it is very appropriate.

I was spanked when I was a child and I spank my daughter also, and I am not afraid to do so. I don't spank her when I am angry, I spank her when she has done something bad, deliberately and at the very moment. I want her to learn that everytime that she does something wrong that she has been taught not to, she is going to suffer the consequences, because if I don't punish her, then she is going to grow up thinking that it is ok and continue on doing it, and it might end up putting her in jail, and then the government who tells me that I can't discipline my daughter is going to spend more of the taxpayers money on my child that is going to jail and putting her in differnt programs to right her life, when that could have been avoided from childhood. My daughters punishments do depend on what she did. I am not as harsh with discipline as my father was with us growing up, but I do realize why we were punished, and I am a better person because of it. I don't want my child to grow up with no boundaries and no respect for authority and thinking that she can get away with everything, NO WAY!! I don't spank her often, because alot of the times she knows exactly by my voice that she done messed up, and I'll make her explain to me exactly why it is that I am calling her, and she knows. I am not one to judge other parents, because we all know our kids better than anyone, and we know how to handle them. I don't believe in blooding up our kids, or beating them when were angry, it is discipline that I believe in. Our circumstances all differ, but it is all for the greater good, to discipline our children. They are the future!! So our child rearing, good or bad is our investment for the future.

I was spanked at times.

not harmed at all, in my life I feel

I think that any time a VERY LARGE PERSON assaults a VERY SMALL PERSON, he/she should be beaten severely.

Big People protect/help/teach Little People - they don't hit them. All you teach a child by hitting him/her is that if you're big enough you can cause pain with impunity. It's an incredible betrayal. That's all I EVER felt (besides the pain). I hit each of my kids just once. I could not do it again.

Our kids were only ever spanked a couple of times. WE did not let them push us around so they knew we were serious and what behavior was and was not acceptable.

I was spanked once as a child... that's all it took. Now, soap in the mouth is another story!

I remember when corporal punishment was very common in schools. Naturally you can't do that anymore. I'd try timeouts and revoking privledges, and try to set the appropriate boundaries myself.

i think that minimal time~outs are okay, but spanking is abuse... 10

My grandmother was a big advocate for time outs.
And, I did get spanked a couple of times as a child.
I do not feel as if discipline is a bad thing.
With my kids, I have a system.
I always ask nicely first.
If I want my kids to do something, I just ask very nicely.
It does work. You don't have to be nasty all the time..
If the nice doesn't work, then I use a very strong voice to get my point across. As in do what I say now.
I use counting, if the refuse.
That works the most with my kids..
And, if they are just not cooperating, then it's time for a time out.
If none of these are working, I use spanking as a very last resort.
As my other methods work rather well, I've only spanked my kids once or twice during their lifetime.

You should always try to communicate with your kids first. See what's bothering them.
It could be they're feeling frustrated and that's why they're not listening.

I got both but I preferred the spanking to getting grounded anyday. It was over quick and I really didn't have to think about anything. I never was "abused" tho. I think time outs and grounding are much better lessons taught.

I don't think spankings accomplish anything. Hitting can teach a child to hit others when they don't do what he/she wants. That's trouble.

Consequences are more important than punishment. For example:
"Yes, I understand that you're sorry you broke your brother's bike. I'm glad you apologized to him. I know you love him. How will you make it up to him?"

Saving money from his allowance to repair or replace the broken item will make a lot bigger impression on the child than a quick spanking. He will also learn that there are consequences to careless or mean behavior.

I also believe that grounding should include work. Rather than sulking on the sofa, a day's worth of chores during grounding will emphasize consequences. "Since you don't like having to wash the windows, you won't miss curfew or lie again, will you?"

Sad that there are so many laws tying parent's hands when it comes to disciplining their children. And now, laws are being passes to make parents responsible for the crimes their children commit. It leave parents stuck in the middle.

I agree with Alicia, spanking should NEVER be done out of anger. Although, that is probably the most difficult part parents, including myself, struggle with. I personally feel that there are times when spanking is appropriate, but as Alicia pointed out, it needs to be as a form of discipline, not anger. I also agree with Renee, however. If you hit hard enough to leave a lasting mark or hit with an object other than your hand, it's wrong in my opinion. That goes too far and does little to teach the child, only frightens them.

In my home, I have only spanked one of my children once, EVER. Mainly because I also believe that spanking should be reserved for a behavior that goes beyond just mischeivious (I can't spell, sorry). It should be reserved for extremely bad behavior or action. I spanked my then 2 year old once because it was the third time I had caught him removing the outlet cover protectors and sticking stuff in the outlet. I spanked him good enough to get him to understand that I meant business, but obviously I didn't hurt him. But, and this is a big But, I also made sure that he KNEW exactly WHY he had been punished so severely. After a lengthy time out I explained to him that what he was doing was dangerous, bla bla bla. He never did it again.

I probably feel this way because it is exactly how I was raised. I was spanked twice my entire childhood. Once for going swimming in a neighbors pool when they weren't home (and I didn't know how to swim yet)...and once for marking up the side of my dad's apartment building with a big stick causing $$$ in damage (I was pretending I was a teacher and the building was my chalkboard. I got excited when I saw the stick made a mark, lol...). My brother was spanked more harshly and more often than I was, but mainly because he repeatedly would take off away from earshot distance and we wouldn't know where he was for hours. So you see - reserved for severely needed discipline.

Bottom line is this: You CANNOT REASON WITH A CHILD..."talking" things out does not always work and in my experience rarely works first time around. It definately doesn't work with toddlers. Talking needs to be coupled with TIME OUTS or some other form of punishment such as taking away privelages or belongings...and yes, even on occassion when the behavior is bad enough, spanking.

Everyone should use whatever method works for them with their own children (so long as the child is not harmed or scarred emotionally in any way) - but from the people that I know that don't discipline their children at all - they have some seriously misbehaved smart mouth little brats. That's not teaching them to live in the real world - that's teaching them that they can do anything they want and get whatever they want when they want it.

Sarah, I agree with you for the most part. I will say that there is no real standard answer. Each child is different and what works for one may not be best for another. Some children can be talked to and that works just find. Others simply blow off all of that and ignore and persist in doing whatever they want because there are no consequences and a mere talking to or time out doesn't phase them. These are the ones who without spankings or some real form of disipline, wind up on talks shows and in jail. The other thing is that you can't wait until they are tweens and suddenly decide they need disipline. If you get a handle on it when they are young enough then they are more likes to understand cause and effect and talking to them may actually be enough most times.

A belt in this day and age is probably abuse. An open-handed slap on the rear probably isn't. It should not be out of anger or frustration and I don't like the pants down stuff. It has elements of sexuality, shame and humiliation that I don't believe is helpful. I prefer natural consequences and rewarding good behavior. Time-out and loss of privileges. Clear rules and communication so the child understands the connection between their parents displeasure and their behavior. Lots of talk and lots of patience. It isn't easy being a parent and it isn't easy being a child. Making a child feel like they are bad is not constructive.

In our home, we limit spankings but there are times that they are needed. We only hit on the butt, once, with pants ON.
We also use a "bad step". They get one minute on the step for each year of their life. Our 8 year old sits on the 8th step for 8 minutes, for example.
If necessary, we send them to there rooms until everyone has had time to cool down. We have also taken away privileges and toys.
Each punishment depends on the "crime".
When I was a kid, there were times when we got a leather belt on our bare butts. I would never do that to my children.