This is a short story that I've started. It is not finished yet, but I just wanted to get your opinions, thoughts, hints, and tips. Help me out and leave some comments!
It's December 20, 2199. It all started in the aquaratorium. My class was watching some boring guide at the front of the dome telling about all the creatures that only existed in captivity now. Things like a hammerhead shark, a jellyfish, and a stingray. They used to live in the oceans, but they haven't existed since before I was born. I was bored out of my mind and about to put my head down a take a power nap when it happened. A man appeared in the seat beside me. From nowhere. If that wasn't freakalicious enough, you should have seen the way he was dressed. His clothes looked exactly like the holos I've seen from the 20 century. He wasn't wearing a one-piece sacker like all the rest of the world. No, he was wearing two separate things. I think they were called a shirt and pants. I was completely shocked. I couldn't even speak; all I could do was sit there with my mouth hanging wide open. He was staring at me like I was some kind of hero or something. Finally, I regained my wits and spoke.
"Woah there gentman." I know. I work well under pressure.
"You must come back with me," he said. "You have no choice. If you don't, your world will fall."
What? Come back? Where? What was he talking about and where did he come from? I had no clue what was going on, and his words once again sent me into a state of stupification. My plan at this point was simply to ignore him and hope that he popped out the same way he popped in.
I think he must have sensed that I wasn't planning on saying anything, and I certainly wasn't going to go anywhere with him because he took action. Before I could react he pulled something out of his pocket and quickly snapped it onto my arm. That was when I blacked out.
When I regained consciousness I was lying on a bed. It wasn't the aerobed I was used to though; it seemed soft and cushy. As I looked around the room I noticed that there was actually a digital clock on a little wood table beside the bed. The room was bigger then anything I've seen before, and it had lots of quaint little ornaments all over. There was also a TV set! I had never seen one before in real life. I didn't know what was happening, but I knew that I must be in an old replica museum. Usually though the rooms were blocked off so that no one could come in and mess them up.
I figured I had been kidnapped somehow (although I didn't think things like that happened any more), and the smart move would be to call the cops.
"Telephone. Call the police." I spoke aloud.
Nothing happened.
By this time, I was really starting to panic. I figured this guy must have been some kind of freak factor, and I didn't know what he would do to me.
‘Calm down, man,' I thought to myself. ‘You just need to keep your chips about you, and you can figure this out.'


Comments: 10
"The room was bigger then anything I've seen before"
But you got my interest.
Your first paragraph is a little long, you might break it up with dialog.
"Woah their gentman, where did you come from?" (this is a natural reaction)
A man appeared in the seat beside me. From nowhere. He should have seen ……
You might even tell me what the man sounded like and looked like besides the way he is dressed.
Maybe give him a little more dialog.
"You will come with me!"
"What?"
"You will come with me!" he repeated. His thick lips twisting upward into an evil looking smile.
I was so shocked I couldn't speak. Who did this guy think he was?
Tell me right away when you look around that it looked like a replica of an old room you had once seen in a museum. Then tell me the things in it. Also if the room is bigger and what you are used to is smaller tell me why. compare the two.
Give me an insight to what your world is.
Telephone ( How did you know it was a telephone?)
Nothing happens.
Tell me why? No sound? No voice? No buzz? It wasn't hooked up? What did the phone do? You must show me why it does nothing.
In this way you can show me why you panic.
keep writing.Doro, Learning to write the Easy way, www.twilighttimesbooks