What's going on? All of a sudden I seem to have passed from one stage of life to another without my knowledge or permission. I don't like it.
I live in New York City, and I take two buses and maybe a subway or two every day on my way to art school or to a concert or to the theatre. The buses and subways are generally crowded, but if I'm lucky enough to get a seat, I'll give it up to a very pregnant woman or a person who looks weak or needy. I actually prefer to stand.
A few months ago I was on a crosstown bus when I felt a tap on my shoulder. A woman in her 40s, my son's age, was offering me her seat. Needless to say, I was surprised. I smiled politely and declined. "Please," she insisted, "I'm going to get off soon anyway." I shrugged, thanked her, and sat.
Ever since, I can't get on a bus or subway without someone wanting to give me a seat. By some magical consensus I have been proclaimed old and feeble. I don't like it.
I may not be a spring chicken, but I'm far from feeble. I walk miles briskly, I work out at a gym, I carry heavy packages and stand for hours while I make my prints. Who says I need to be given a seat on a subway?
Who? These good Samaritans range from high school kids to old men who obviously need the seat more than I do. I'm waiting for some elder on crutches to demand that I take her seat.
Now I know these people mean well, and it's nice to see that some of the traditional courtesies live on. And I always respond pleasantly to their offers. But it's not easy. What I really want to say is, "Look, just because I have some wrinkles doesn't mean I have to be treated like an invalid. Just because I'm older doesn't mean I'm not an active, independent person perfectly capable of doing what younger people do including standing on a crowded bus or subway."
Years ago, I took a bus with a friend who was in her 90s. She was bent over, all skin and bones, but she was indomitable. At one point of the ride, a young man jumped up to give her a seat. She glared at him and snarled, "Sit down. I don't want your seat."
At the time, I thought she was simply being her sometimes obnoxious self. Now I understand. I'm not at the snarling point yet, but I'm getting there. It's no fun when somebody in effect announces that you look so old and fragile that you better sit before you collapse -- particularly when it's not true. I think that's stereotyping, and I don't like it -- not a bit.
Caryl Stern is a freelance writer and artist based in Manhattan.
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Comments: 5
I was offered a sit in my 20's because I was a woman. I took it.
Now if you do not want to sit because you rather be up tell them so.
I do not need to sit either but I would feel ackward if a young man was sitting and was up, thinking he had no manners.
It must be you are used to live in the city and I am in the countryside.
Some, actually very few, people have learned manners. Even misguided manners are manners and should be respected/honored. To be offered a seat is not an accusation of feebleness, is it an act of respect. Any negative reaction is disrespectful, however, a polite decline should be respected - however difficult.
Manners are always the measure of civility and kindness.