Eight years back this September I was on my way to work. A car crossed over the centerline and stuck my car just behind the driver's door. I did what I had been taught in so many safe driving courses to go to the right to avoid the oncoming car. Well, the on coming car hadn't heard of those safety classes it seems. When I looked just before the car struck, there was no one behind the wheel.
After the impact the car bounced off my car and hit the car behind me head on. There were cars all over the place. Mine, I had brought to a stop several hundred feet down the road from the initial impact. It was totalled. At that time I only knew my right wrist was in pain and swelling. I got out and limped back to the car which had hit me. The woman was obviously dead, you don't hit your face into the center console like she had and live. Even if I had had a fully equipped ambulance there was nothing I could do for her. I was once an EMT as well as a police officer and had seen more than my share of dead bodies from accidents.
The vehicle which she hit after bouncing off of my car was off in the ditch with more than enough people to help them. So I sat down on the side of the road and took toll of my own injuries. My right wrist was swelling, painful but not broken. No other obvious injuries that I could see or feel. Found out trying to stand later that my back had not faired so well. At the hospital they couldn't find any reason for my back pain. So dismissed me, I limped the mile and a half to work from there. I was in no shape to work so was sent home.
It took from September to the end of December for the doctors to find that the last disk in my back had been damaged, L-5. So finally was sent to a neurosurgeon who said I had a 85 to 95% chance of recovery after surgery. Yeah right, tell that to my back now over seven years later. What was supposed to be a one day stay turned into a four day and another six weeks on my back at home and not being able to return to work even then. The City's insurance said I was able to return to work, funny they were in another state and their doctor never examined me in person.
I was told by my doctor I was now disabled. Me? Disabled? Not me! I used to walk for two and a half hours to get to work when my car was out of service or when my daughter had it out of town visiting someone. No, they had to be wrong, me the 6 foot 4 inch, 220 pound excop/EMt couldn't be disabled. I didn't feel disabled. Felt fine other than my back hurt all the time. Worse at times but even when it was not so bad it hurt.
I went into a depression from which I wanted to leave this world. Oh, over the years I had had my ups and downs. After the kids mother and I separated I was recovering from breaking a vertebrae in my back and went back to work in thirty days. So I couldn't see why I couldn't return to work now. I put my feelings on hold from the divorce and other things over the years because my children needed me. Well, here I was no place to go, no place to hide from all those emotions which I had suppressed for so many years. They came back to haunt me big time. I had worked not just my regular job as a cop but also what ever extra job came up to feed and cloth my kids and keep a roof over their heads.
Now, I was worthless. Or so it seemed to me. I couldn't go back to any of the jobs I had worked before. Too old to be a cop, couldn't lift much weight so being an EMT was out. Couldn't drive a bus since moving my back the wrong way would leave my right leg/foot dead or jerking from the pain. I didn't have any money left, had used it all to pay regular bills while taking every rehab and going to see every doctor I could to get better. My benefits, if you can call them that, had run out from my job. They didn't want me back. Heck I didn't want me back. I couldn't stand for long amounts of time without my back killing me. Counldn't walk very far without suffering for days afterwards.
I've had two disks removed from my neck since then which were damaged also but didn't know it then. They swoll to the point that they were pressing on the spinal cord and I was losing control of my body. No fun walking along and all of a sudden you start to go off to one side when your mind is saying walk straight. Falling into walls, falling down is not the way I wanted to be. So when the neurosugeon said they needed to be removed I said go for it.
I do walk better now. Still limp from time to time because of my lower back. Am still in pain all the time but hey you learn to live with it. Don't want to have the operation on L-5 that is needed because of the odds I was given of walking again afterwards. I'll live with the pain until I can't any longer. But disabled? I still don't see myself as disabled. I just can't do many of the things I once could any longer. Long walks are out unless I carry my hunter's stool which folds. I sit on it until I feel I can go on so that is how I walk any distance these days. Still pay for it later but to take photos of say the Magnolia's down from me is worth the pain later.
My hands shake from the damage from the disks pressing against my spinal cord or from some other injury I have sustained over the years. So drawing and painting takes me longer than before but I still do it when I can. I lose myself in art or photography and for a time forget the pain. But when I stand again it reminds me that it is still there. I live, I do what I can when I can and have learned not everything has to be done today. After finding out the hard way I am also diabetic this last December. My short term memory isn't what it used to be either so if I repeat myself bare with me.
I don't look disabled, I don't feel disabled. What does it feel like to be disabled? If you look at me you would see a 6'3", lost an inch somewhere in the last years, 250 lb. old man, gained a few pounds also, who doesn't look like he is not able to do anything he wanted to do. Wish that were true. So what is disabled? I breath, I still see, almost didn't with the diabetes, I walk mostly without a limp. I take reasonably good photos and am a decent artist when my hands aren't shaking so bad. So why am I disabled? Why am I dismissed as not able to do for myself or for others? Yes, my home could do with a uncluttering but hey NoNo doesn't complain about that, only when I'm late in feeding her.
What is disabled? My car tag says I am. Finally got the tag for the car my friends gave me so can get out when I can afford to buy the gas and take more photos to bore you fellow gathers with. I receive Social Security, nothing social about it nor not very secure if you ask me. You barely get enough to exist on, forget about doing anything extra. Sorry my ex-brother-in-law/adopted son says S.S. should be abolished. Personally I think he listens way too much to Rush Limburger, no mistake in that spelling. The drug addicted, overly rich, uninformed, radio talk show big mouth is not one of my favorite people. He put people down who were addicted to drugs said so many things against them but all the time he was hiding his own drug addiction. Dang off subject which I do from time to time. With out the small S.S. check I would have died long ago.
Guess I'm stubborn about asking for help. I was the one who always helped others. I'm not supposed to be the one asking for help now. I would be dead as of last December, if not for my friends from church who found me very close to going into a coma. If they had been a few hours later I would have been in one and from what the doctor told me probably never have come out of it. My blood sugar was 1047, normal is 80-120, so I wasn't doing so well. I've always taken care of myself and others not the other way around.
I'm not disabled just can't do many of the things I once could do. I'm in pain but many others are in worse pain than me. I can walk, painfully most of the time, but I can walk. So many others can't walk or have to use walkers just to get around or use wheel chairs. I have to take insulin but I'm no spring chicken any longer either. Some have had to take it since they were young children. My blood pressure is now mostly under control. Others don't even know theirs isn't and may have a heartattack anytime and never know it. I'm not doing so badly, go hungry some times but hey I'm still alive.
How do you see me? I look in the mirror and see that I have aged. The same face is still staring back from out of it that I have seen for sixty years now, just greyer, older, scarred from so many of life's trials, but it is me. I love me, even if you don't. Doesn't matter cause I have to live with me, you don't...life goes on whether or not we want it to. :o)
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Comments: 85
It sounds like you have so much to be thankful for. I am glad you shared this with us.
I have physical limitations, was in a wheelchair for two years. I've come a long way since. But, while I'm still here, I'll never be 100%.
Just count your blessings, let go of false pride, ask for what you need and give what you can. Life can be good.
Cat-House Sonnets
I am stunned by your story. Your pictures will be even more special to me now that I know what you have to go through to take them and how much of an outlet they are to you:)
I was close to someone that had serious back trouble an pain like you describe. He had had countless surgeries and they seldom helped. In fact, it usually got worse.
I think that one of the biggest problems for him was that his brain and his body couldn't seem to get together. He, except for the pain, felt like the same person and was always ready to jump in to lend a hand. Then he would pay for it for days. It was so hard for him to accept that he couldn't do all of the things that he used to. (It probably didn't help that his wife was always net picking and telling him that he couldn't or shouldn't do either) So, as an outsider, I really got a taste of what he and you are going through.
I think that SS was made and serves the public best when it is used like you are. You worked hard, contributed to society more than most as a cop, try as hard as you could to do without, but still need SS. You deserve it and don't let anyone tell you differently.
One of the big challenges in life is realizing that you need help, asking for it, and accepting it. At least a life that allows you to stand proud, like you are doing.
Thanks so much for telling us a little bit about you!
P.S., I bet that you are shorter from all those discs that they keep messing with! LOL!
When I was an EMT I picked up so many people who struggled just to breath, walk, talk, or many of the things we take for granted. Always thought to myself if I were in their shoes I would never complain again for any of what life threw at me. I've always tried to live up to that and remember how they acted or talked about their problems. If I say I'm in pain, not asking for sympathy only a statement of fact. What I say and do in life reflects on how my Mother raised me and she was a very sweet loving southern Lady. I respected her and loved her deeply still do even though she died four years back. Try to live my life like she is looking over my shoulder each and every day. Sometimes I feel her here with me looking over me and saying no that is wrong or yes, I approve.
I'm trying to build a website to maybe sell some of my better photos hopefully I can get it up soon. The extra income would help lots, could buy my grandkids stuff that I want to give them. And with it also go places to take more photos.. :o)
if it hadn't been for Laurie, I would still be off, most likely
Have you done anything with shutterstock? I never have, I can't speak for them, but saw the link years ago and thought that was interesting and saved it. All I can vouch for though is that they have been around for several years, that I personally know of. You can upload pictures to there, and if people download them, you get 25cents a picture, after you get to $500 worth sold, that goes up to 30cents a picture, according to what I just read on their front page. Might be a place for your others you don't want to showcase and sell individually on your site. Here's the link: shutterstock
This reminds me of my father-in-law who never said, never… Everyone who takes the time to read this will leave a stronger person.
Love your attitude!
Thanks
And I get that a lot, I don't "look" like I have health problems...
i was born with a physical disability. though i understand what you mean about not being disabled, it's something that i constantly struggle with. i've been mainstreamed my entire life and pretty much treated as if i didn't have a disability. my parents never let me be a poster child (though we were asked many times), i've never joined a disability advocacy group, i've never joined or even started a support group, and most of my life i've been the only person with a visible physical disability any environment or group i'm in.
this is why i struggle.....i did not grow up around other people with disabilities, and therefore i can feel just as uncomfortable around another person with a disability then a non-disabled person can feel....it's the unknown.
i also don't play the "hey i'm disabled you're disabled let's be friends" game. in fact i think i sometimes do the exact opposite. maybe it's my way of telling society that just because i have a disability doesn't mean i only know other disabled people. people often ask if i would date a person with a disability. i hate that question. would they ask a non-disabled person the same question????
but i guess what i really struggle with the statement of not feeling like you have a disability. well neither do i. and i don't know what it feels like to have a disability. but what does that really mean? what does it feel like to have brown hair or green eyes or 5'0 tall. i'm all of those things too, but they don't have a feeling associated with them. having a disability to me is kind of like having those characteristics. it helps to describe me.....but it's not who i am!
ok i'm just going on and on now...maybe one day i will try to write all of this out in a more organized, articulate way
Your story speaks volumes of what we humans can learn to live with: pain, loneliness, emotional distress, etc etc, yet we still go on. I actually know someone who was locked away in prison for more than eight years only to be let go an innocent man after DNA and what not exonerated him. You're right. We go on. We do what we have to do and if we're lucky we undertsand the task the Lord has put before us. I was happy to have found this article. I will add you to my prayers today. Thanks for what you have done and the contributions you still have to make. Disabled? I don't thinky uou are.
I was not as lucky as the other driver. I not only had a concussion but a severely damaged right foot and the skin on my forehead was laid open from left temple to the center of my head. I spent weeks in the hospital, going through surgeries to try and repair my foot. Like you, I got very depressed as a HUGE part of my identity had been as a runner, something I loved to do.
What kept me from spiraling into a deeper depression? Two things. I had been obsessed about my looks before the accident and this was an instant reality check. I WAS ALIVE and never had those words seemed so powerful or wonderful. Secondly, I'd just met the man who was to become my husband, although I didn't know it at the time. The first sign I got that he might be "the one" was when he came to the hospital, took my hand, told me I still looked "absolutely beautiful" (in spite of the two black eyes I now had from the concussion) and when I looked at him in disbelief, he said, "Now I can really focus on your INNER beauty and stop being distracted as much by your outer beauty" . He was wonderful, compassionate but (until then) I wasn't sure he was my type. Funny thing - that accident opened my eyes to the gift he was - and remains - 20 years later.
I would be dishonest to say that I never have days when I don't still mourn for the time I could run freely and gracefully. I will probably always have a limp, especially in rainy weather which aggravates my foot. But I try to accept "what is" and live in the present, rather than focus on what I lost. Not always easy, as I did love running, but to me life is still a great gift.
One of the things I love about the article that started this whole thread of discussions is that the word "disabled" does not mean what people assume and can cover a range of things, some not so obvious. Also, the author really hits home with me talking about the identity of someone who is defined as "disabled" and the differences in how he perceives himself and how others do. Good points, well made!
I will definately be looking at your pictures from now on...
It sounds like you are not quite ready for that yet, so I hope you get your website going, make some money, and that you are thankful for what time you have left to enjoy it. I enjoyed hearing your story. I think you should write an inspirational story to encourage others to move on. In doing so, you would have to leave certain parts of your story untold. Good luck to you old codger...
And to you Sara, no being disabled is not who you are nor me nor any of the others who are labeled such. But yes, in our society being "labeled" as disabled is like being told you no longer exist, you are outside of the fabric of life, you don't count toward being human. It is a stigma which should not be! I can no longer do many of the things I once could but that doesn't make me unable to function. You function we all do to what ever our abilities take us and our spirit helps us soar. It took me a while to come to turns with the label, but labeling me or you doesn't make us who we are, we make us who we are. Your parents never made you to feel disabled, never put you down for any disability you have.
The thing is when you lose the ability to do the job or jobs you have done for so long. It hits home like a ton of bricks and you feel useless to yourself and to others. It doesn't help when someone says "You are disabled", hearing those words hurt, because yes, in our society being labeled can hurt. It shouldn't but it does. And what I was railing against was just because I couldn't do lots of things I could before doesn't mean I'm dead yet nor useless. No one should be labeled useless. You are not useless, none of us are useless. We may not be mountain climbers, personally never wanted to climb a mountain just photograph the scenery, but we each have our own special place in this world and should never be labeled useless.
I too am a former EMT and I also worked with Autistic and Mentall retarded adults and the elderly including Alzheimer patients. I have helped people all my life and found that the rewards far surpassed any expectations I may have had when I first went into these types of positions. Those of you who have worked similar jobs must know what I mean. Anyway, I am now trying to get social security disability and it is a real headache to go through. Plus...I've had some people get a little bit of an attitude with me as if I am asking for welfare. Social Security is money that is ours...that we put into the system. People forget that I think.
I don't look sick or disabled either. I am not in a wheelchair nor do I have an amputation or some obvious problem. So that makes it worse - when people can not see outward signs of a health issue in a person.
Okay - I had to put my 2 cents in here - and let you know that I enjoy your writing and your photos. Keep them comin!
I am considered "partially disabled" due to spinal injury in an auto accident about thirty years ago. I've had to change the way I do some things and give up some things I just can't do anymore. Sometimes there is pain, sometimes lack of sensation and other issues. What brings me through isn't drugs or money or skills. People and faith are what keep me going - people like you who inspire me to not give up; people who remind me I still have value even if it is a different value than I had before; people who remind me I'm not facing things alone.
Thank you for not hoarding your inspirational story. Blessings!
I have a little story to pass on. Some years ago I had a chance to get a small amount of training from an EMT. He was in a wheel chair, and had only one arm, but he was trained and skilled. He was injured in the "second" accident when hit by a car while working on an accident victim.
He taught me CPR. It was a short course, offered by the EMT to Drivers for a Taxi Company. I was invited as a reporter to see the story unfold. I participated, Just to get a better handle on the story.
About a year later I saw a man fall from a step ladder. He just crumpled and slid down the ladder and wound up flat on his back. 12 and a half minutes after I got to him and started CPR the Paramedics arrived, The man lived, That one armed, "disabled" EMT saved one more life for sure, I might have been the arms and legs, but it was the man in the wheelchair that saved that man's life.
rarely happens. For I cannot see through these tears I'm
crying dear man. I will email later.
OK, that came out a bit trite, but you know what I mean.
In the meantime, get what you can from the system. you deserve it. I for one would love one of those tags for my car around christmastime in the shopping mall carparks...
Regarding selling your photos, if you haven't already seen it this link may be useful:
http://www.dphotojournal.com/sell-photos-online/
Let us know when you get around to selling your photos. I think you do beautiful work.
I sat in a blue recliner, captive attached to all kinds of breathing machines. One day, I knew I needed to do a breathing treatment, I had to or I wouldn't live. I knew from experience I only had a few minutes to make the decision. I even rationalized that it wasn't suicide but chosing not to accept medical treatment. I made the decision to live! Once I did I decided I was going to do something to add to the world.
I've been blessed, many opportunities have come my way. I have found a way to add to the world. I have friends who are there with me during the rough times. I have family who call me when the weather is too cold for me to get out.
I live a life of abundance especially after being housebound for a decade.
I still have bad days but they are fewer. My heart and prayers go with you. Please don't hesitate to contact me if you need to be listened to. I will not judge you. I will walk beside you.
It is not always easy to go on living when your life seems to be over, but just think of what we would miss if we didn't go on. I saw last month my youngest grandson turn four, this next week I go to my only granddaughter's fifth birthday party, I've watched my oldest grandson, and helped where I could with him, grow into a fine young man whom I'm very proud of. If I had stopped living, given up I would not have seen any of that nor taken any of the photos you see on here.
Life goes on, sometimes for the better some times not but it goes on and we can't give up. It may be a struggle to just stand or get into to a wheel chair, but look around there is always someone in worse shape, maybe we can be an example for them to work harder or give a helping hand. We maybe branded Disabled but we aren't useless or worthless. We have worth and we can be useful.
I see the beauty of the world around me every day, I share it with the art and photography you see on here. I'm not the best but I keep trying, I haven't given up nor should anyone every give up. :o)
I know I'm lucky -- I had a textbook back surgery three years ago and came out on the other end with absolutely no pain. I only wish everyone had that same good fortune...
I'm also stunned by the comments you have elicited from all your Gather friends. Look how many people you have touched, and given the courage to tell their own stories! This was a wonderful article about the true meaning of life, and the fact that while people can stick a label to your forehead, you don't have to allow yourself to be defined as a person by it.
Take care of yourself, and best wishes!
I'm going through the same sorts of things, disablility, my marriage failing, that sort of thing. I've got a back injury, but the rest is different.
Take care of yourself, a year from now you'll have a different story, perhaps not a lot different, but take it one day at a time.
Thanks
Wonderful story, and I pray that you keep on keeping one. GOD BLESS YOU
I am married to a guy who let his innumerable disabilities bring him to the point of being almost totally self absorbed. There is only him in his world. Others are here to be manipulated or used so it is harder and harder to care for him.
I think just getting old means one has to learn what things he/she can and cannot do. Adding an injury to mix and it's really confusing, especially if you don't look sick.
I just had my hearing about SS disability. Back injury (L4 & L5), knee injury, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue...and all that go with those. Know that the judge said? All my doctors noted that I'm always smiling even though I'm in constant pain. The judge thought that was an indication that maybe I wasn't really that bad. (Boy did I have a hard time not wishing some of this pain on him...) I don't know if my disability will be approved. But either way, I'll join you in saying - life goes on. (Of course, if I didn't have a spouse with a good job, I'd be on the streets after waiting 5 years for that doggone hearing....)
I haven't seen any of your pictures yet. But I'm going to check them out right now. They'll mean a lot knowing how much you have to go through to take them.
I understand more than you can imagine.
I too have been "disabled" since 1984.
I am now 46 years old.
It was like looking in a mirror reading your story.
It is my life also.
You know the life I lead.
Others can only read and try to imagine the pain and troubles we inccur in the staus of being "disabled".
We are definently thankful for what we have and we know there are others that are worse off.
I have a problem with getting quailty health care from the professional doctors I go see.
Being in the staus of "Disabled", is actually worse than being an "Illegal Alien".
We are looked at as different and a lower class of people than the "Illegal Aliens".
Its a shame.
But once I again I say I am very thankful for the help I do get.
I would much rather be working and making the money I used to make.
Many many times more than S.S. provides.
But without S.S. I surely would be on the streets with a cup in hand.
So for that I am very grateful for what S.S. does for me.
And I thank every "Legal" American that works and pays into S.S. like I did to provide for those who are "Disabled".
GOD BLESS you and Thank You.
Please stay healthy and always stay safe.
To be a burden on our society is a hard thing to deal with.
I would rather be an asset.
James thank you for sharing your life with us.
You have shed some light on a very serious issue.
GOD BLESS you.
Thank you.
Roy
:-)
My mother has a back injury. I know, and have seen what pain they can give someone. She is also, one who is not easily slowed down. (and one I hate to see in pain)
You have a great spirit. We do not always fit so neatly into a category, do we?
You may be limited, but do not have to consider yourself disabled.
Your ending really stuck me:
(How do you see me? I look in the mirror and see that I have aged. The same face is still staring back from out of it that I have seen for sixty years now, just greyer, older, scarred from so many of life's trials, but it is me. I love me, even if you don't. Doesn't matter cause I have to live with me, you don't...life goes on whether or not we want it to. :o))
I see you a strong determined man. My grandmother told me once that she always felt, (in her mind's eye) that she was around 35. We may grow and look a little older, but we are always the same in mind and spirit.
Everyone carries what burdens they can. Some sing sad songs, some just try to cope with it all, and some simply thrive, no matter what the challenge is. I've seen a lot of really vapid, selfish, egotistical beauty freaks at the ages of 40, 50, 60, 70 who have not contributed one iota of good to anyone but themselves. That may be their burden to carry later on. You, however, have made a history of sharing your gifts.
These gifts you've given to others already shine brightly around you. The gift of who you are to others is also solid gold.
Be at peace, Grasshopper. You are one worthy dude!
Wilka