Abuse whether physical or mental destroys the body and destroys the soul, it eats at the heart and takes away all the joy of living. Abuse knows no gender or age, a child can be abused, a woman can be abused or a man can be abused. Most people know about child abuse, woman abuse, and elder abuse, but very few people look at a strong young healthy man and think that he can get hurt. They fail to realize that everyone on the face of this earth can be hurt by the affairs of the heart. The fact that we are human gives us the range of emotions that we have and they are giving to men as they are to women.
The only difference is that men often suffer in silence afraid to admit that they are being abused. Afraid to tell in a society that does not defend the male side of a domestic dispute.
How many men are abused in a relationship?
Many men are afraid to call the police for fear that they will be laughed at. Therefore, so many cases go unreported. We may not have a clear understanding of just how many men are actually being abused in a domestic situation. However, modern research is suggesting that the division is more 50/50 rather than previous thought that one third of the men in a marriage or relationship are abused.
How is a man abused?
Physical abuse
· Hitting slapping, punching, having things thrown at them
Destroying their property
· Smashing their equipment, tearing their clothes, selling or giving away their property without asking, abusing their animals
Emotional abuse
· Name calling, swearing, berating, withholding love and nurturance
Brainwashing
· Constantly telling the man, you are no good, you are not good enough, you are a failure, you are a useless excuse of a man, you can’t even make a decent salary, you are lazy, you are not good enough for a promotion, you eat like a slob, you dress like a slob, I am ashamed to go out with you in public and so on.
Years of this type of abuse will make anyone, man or woman, loss their confidence and their self esteem. During brain washing the person is always isolated, not allowed to associate with the outside world, deprived of friends or anyone else who can help them.
Another form of brainwashing is called gaslighting this is when the spouse or abusive individual denies your feelings, your ability to think and rationalize and denies things you know to be true. For example, you had a disagreement and the other individual said you were stupid, you confront the person and they deny it, saying they never said that but if you continue claim that they said it then you are really stupid.
Another example would be being told to pick up the dry cleaning the following day, and when the present day is over a big argument breaks out because the man did not pick up the dry cleaning. When he man explains that his wife told him to pick it up the following day she denies it and said she clearly told him to pick it up today.
This type of abuse eventually leads to the man questioning his own sanity.
Note though that all these forms of abuse can also refer to females, as I said before abuse is not a gender issue.
Unpredictable responses is a form of abuse
· Imagine told one thing one day and the total opposite the next yet you are supposed to respond appropriately without really knowing what is the right reaction to have.
Emotional black mail
· Threats of divorce, the silent treatment, etc.
Yes there are men that are abused, they don’t often tell about it because they do not want to be laughed at. Men in our society they are supposed to be strong and powerful. When a man tells the police he is often laughed at. When he tells his friends, he gets the constant ribbing, that he being henpecked or controlled by his woman. A man begins to doubt his manhood.
Traditionally men do not go to counseling as much as women do; psychologists state that men do not like to talk about their problems, they also may feel ashamed that they do not have it “all together.” However, if you are a man that is being abused and you want some help to understand the situation and make it better there is an organization that can help.
For more information on the subject of abused me, visit the following website: http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/
recommend this
email
print
link to this page
Comments: 60
You re so right. I knew an abused man. It's terrible. He was so sweet, and his wife and daughter abused him. He was strong, but sweet. The wife was evil. I hated her.
yes and people don't realize that men can be abused too.
Very well written, comprehensive account of an undiscussed topic!
thanks Jan
I've known about this sorry state of affairs for years. People do have certain expectations of men and see them as not having feelings. Which is not true!
They can be easily abused. Because many of them are raised not to hit a woman, and the woman uses this against them.
They manipulate them by hitting or treating them like garbage.
And, the man takes it, because he was taught respect.
It becomes a vicious cycle after that.
yes you are absolutely right Angela
There is another method used to abuse a man which I haven't seen taken into account by any organization: Vexatious Litigation and false prosecution.
This is happening to a friend of mine. I've written four articles about his case here on Gather, but they really don't even scratch the surface of what has been happening to him. The worst part is that his abusive ex-wife is actually using the system put into place to protect abused women to help her do this to him, and those within that system are actively participating in her efforts. Despite the many times my friend has proved in court that his ex-wife's accusations are false, despite the many times she has been proven to have perjured herself in court, despite the fact that the nature of her lies is becoming more and more ridiculous, she is allowed to continue the cycle with new cases each time anything she's all ready done gets resolved.
She has now managed to make him very sick. His health is out of control despite his having followed all of his doctor's instructions. Before her crusade began, he did not have problems with it at all, other than the initial diagnosis. His diabetes was under control, his blood pressure was normal, and he didn't need medicine. Now, he takes prescriptions which are supposed to normalize his blood sugar and pressure, needs an inhaler for his asthma (sounds like a really dangerous guy, doesn't he?) and he is showing symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Because this type of abuse is relatively new (coming along with the system intended to protect women) it is hard to detect and likely to be misunderstood, and therefore nearly impossible to prevent.
In my friend's case, this has been going on for over 4 years, and everyone involved is aware of what is happening, including the judges before whom she keeps dragging him, yet no one will stop her because she has an abused women's protection agency on her side. She breaks laws, but isn't prosecuted. She violates court orders, but isn't held accountable. She says jump, and the court says how high. The agency which is helping her has threatened discrimination lawsuits if she isn't given her way, and the court's tail is so far between its legs, it looks like another nose. Right now, it looks like this will continue indefinitely. If things continue the way they have been, this case may end up making the news someday. It really should.
hannah I understand what your friend is going through. My daughter is using the system and crying domestic abuse against an ex boyfriend so that she can be provided with free housing and other benefits. In her case there is a restraining order against the guy but she isn't perscecuting him any further. He may have been wrong in his actions against my daughter but she was not innocent. To use the system and claim abuse when none has occurred is a grave injustice to those who truly are being abused.
it is so tragic I feel for you friend, there will always be people who will abuse the system, always.
I know men who have been abused. I am glad Hannah posted here because I was going to refer you to her page. Does anyone know any resources that might help our friend who is being stalked by the vexatious litigator?
One of the worst things about my friend's case is that he has done nothing to his ex. He left because she cheated (which he found out when she announced that she was pregnant by the other guy) and accepted emergency custody of their daughter when his ex neglected her and allowed her new husband to abuse her, but has not taken any actions against his ex at all.
it is so sad hannah, I hope somebody has some kind of insight, the only thing I know is that the lawyers fight it out and maybe the male needs to get a better lawyer to defend his side, but if others have better help that would be greatly appreciated.
Very well done article
thanks hon
I agree with Angela. Often a man will put up with physical abuse because they don't want to hit a woman. Because they are respectful men they are treated to further physical abuse by their S.O. and likely end up being mocked by others.
Also, the information on gaslighting was quite interesting, it well described many years of my marriage, but I'd never heard of it before.
yes you are absolutely right.
All very true. Thanks for posting.
You are welcome
My nephew is in a abusive relationship! We've tried to talk sense into him, but he won't leave this sorry excuse for a woman.
She's bitten him, tried to run him over with her car and sent him to the hospital, she's pulled a knife on him, and tried to strangle him! I hope and pray that, someday, he will see how dangerous she is to him and the children.
wow that is absolutely awful
Yes, this is a very sad reality.
thanks for posting
An interesting piece; and yes, I believe that it does happen; but when society's attitude towards men is "take it like a man", it seems doubtful that much will be done in this arena until all forms of abuse against women are resolved first; just one guy's opinion. --Joe
thanks for your perspective Joseph, most men never even report it so it is so very hard to get to the bottom of things
This is something to think about. Every now and then my husband would take things out on me when he gets in one of his moods. He admits that he has an anger problem and he got it from his father. He is going to get some help that he needs before it ruin our marriage but he is really trying to control his temper. So good so far.
I hope it works out for you two,
I see it alot and not real sure why people look at it so much different in men then woman.
they ignore it thinking a man is supposed to take it, as Joseph said above.
Excellent article, you're right we rarely hear about men being abused, even though it happens all the time.
thanks Matthew
In my first marriage--I I suffered the psychological, emotional mindgames of a very bitter young woman . Still when she left me for another man, I thought it was the end of the world.// Little did I know, that the following yr I would meet the woman who for the last 28 yrs has taught what a great marriage feels like.
Also, my late father ( and I tried to warn him ) at 75, briefly married an abusive gold-digger YOUNGER THAN ME, his son. What followed was 6 months of pure misery---and even more after the divorce. ( She didn't seem to undertsand what those papers were for--and bless his heart--he still felt 'sorry'for her, and even I think, still loved her. ( He was her 4th husband'slash'victim---and many felt she had contributed to her 2nd husband's death.)
So yes, carol, as I had alluded to in my recent article here about abuse---and as you greatly wrote in much more depth of here-- spousal abuse works both ways-- there are many abused men . And what's worse--- some don't live to tell about it.
Thanks for a great article. Lonnie Ray Fowler
I am happy it turned out well for you, I hope your father had some peace in his last years, he sounds like a great man.
Second thought: You know, it just occured to me---and it would make a great article from someone who may have firsthand knowledge--- but you know I am quite sure that marital, spousal, significant- other abuse is in no way relegated to hetero-sexual marriages and unions. I've never seen an article on that, but I bet I'm not off the mark here ( sadly.) again, Lonnie Ray Fowler
I think where there is people there will be abuse, so I do agree with you, just haven't done any research on homosexual unions, there may not even by that much data available I do not know.
One thing, it's not necessarily a fear of being laughed at, it's also a fear of being prosecuted. I have a good friend of mine who was in an abusive relationship for YEARS, he and his wife had five children, who she also abused. He finally had enough and said he was going to make arrangments for he and the kids to leave, she grabbed a screwdriver and stabbed him in the neck, barely missing his artery. He pushed her away, grabbed a phone and locked himself in the bedroom. While he was on the phone with the 911 operator she went in the bathroom and started hitting and pinching herself. Not hard enough to leave a bruise, but hard enough to make a red mark. When the cops showed up, he was arrested IN THE AMBULANCE. When it was all said and done HE was charged with a FELONY for pushing her, and SHE was charged with a misdemeanor. THEN, she abandoned their children while he was out of town making arrangements for them to move. The local DFS got him to sign a paper, telling him it was so the foster family could take the kids to the DR, etc. What it REALLY did was to sever his parental rights
My ex husband's girlfriend had a DR appointment for which she was to be sedated. He was going to drive her and their daughter. She threw a fit just as they were going to leave and tried to take the baby and go by herself. He wouldn't let her take the baby, so she started hitting him WHILE he was holding their baby. He pushed her away, trying to protect their daughter from her swinging fists. The neighbor called 911 and they took HIM. She took the baby, and now nobody knows where they are, it's been almost a year since this happened.
being laughed at is documented research that men go through, police do laugh at them, no when you get down to the individual man he may not care that he is laughed at, fear of being prosecuted in not exclusive to men being abused but can be a fear of the male abuser as well, however maybe I was not clear enough when I said,
Afraid to tell in a society that does not defend the male side of a domestic dispute.
This statement encompases being afraid of being prosecuted because society does not usually take the side of the man in a domestic dispute.
Didn't say it wasn't a reason, I just said it wasn't the ONLY reason.
okay cool!
Thank you Carol for your article. My first husband was abusive towards me and almost killed me one night so I understand about abuse. Also I lost a very dear friend of mine by abuse. He was a very gentle man, very respectful of everyone. He was one of my best friends and I loved him for his friendship. However he was married to a woman that would beat him but she was careful never to hit him where it would show. He was in and out of the hospital so many times. Every time he woke up in the hospital he would call me and I would go to him. He was too afraid to leave her because she always told him if he left her she would kill him. Finally he past away of a heart attack. The day after his attack I received a letter from him in the mail (the regular mail) and he told me in the letter that he knew his days were numbered but he asked me not to blame her. I couldn't believe that after all that he still loved her. I cried for him. It broke my heart to lose such a dear friend. I tried to talk with his wife many times to see if I could help in any way but she always told me nothing was wrong and it must be my imagination. My imagination doesn't run that way. So thank you again for writing your article. I hope that if there is any man going thru this and reading your article I hope they get help. To the men reading this believe me when I say it happens more than you think. Vickie
oh god Vickie what a story, it hurts my heart to hear about such senseless abuse. It just makes me sick.
You are so right. I have seen it many times.
it is so sad though, nobody should be abused.
guess i haved een hurt myself to bad.... cause this makes me laugh
I don't understand what you mean
been sorry
been sorry?
Perhaps we, as a society, could address the problems of abuse by taking them gender (male/female) identity out of the equation.
If we address the behaviour, as opposed to identifying with either gender, we could address the abuser, and the behaviour. Instead of pitting the genders against each other, we could just call them, "ABUSERS" based on the behaviour/s.
You mean all persons should be afforded equal protection of the law? What a novel concept.
absolutely ladies, abuse is abuse it doesn't matter what gender, age, race or creed.
Well writen post!!!!!
thank you Kerrell
Yes I know of men who have been abused and are being abused right now. By their wives or SO. I also know some men who broke free of it. One brother I had was abused he is free of that woman now. But it did do a lot to his self esteem which he is slowing getting back over time. I have a nephew who was abused throughout his childhood by his step mother and his dad both. I have a cousin who for years kept trying to make his marriage work with an abusive wife. He even seperated for about 3 years then they got back together and she was all sweet and nice for awhile but then started in again. He finally left her and got a divorce and it took him almost 8 years but he finally met a wonderful loving woman and they are very happy. They have been together now for 15 years. I know of another in a terrible abusive relationship and we all feel helpless to help him. All the things above have been or are being done to him including threats of using the system, depriving him of seeing his kids if he leaves because she has contacts and legal access and friends.
it is all so very tragic
thanks!
you are welcome
Thanks