Do you have a loved one who is incarcerated?
November 09, 2008 03:18 AM EST
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comments: 35
I didn't really want to tell anyone this, but I share pretty much every aspect of my life on Gather so I've felt odd not saying this here. What I'm going to tell you is part of the reason I've been really depressed...
One of my very close friends made a mistake, did something illegal and now he's paying for it. He is VERY sorry for what he did and wasn't in his right mind when he did it because unfortunately he is an addict. I'm not going to get into details about his crime but he was arrested, took a plea... and now he'll be in prison for a maximum of 100 months. He's already served 3 months and hopefully if all goes well, he'll only be in there for another 56 months with good time. I hope that he'll be fully recovered and a new person when he gets out.
I have been SO depressed because of this because like I said, he's a very close friend of mine. While he's paying for what he did, his wife and 3 year old daughter are also paying for it. His wife now has to be a single mother and his daughter has to live the next few years without her father. His wife has been one of my best friends ever since I was 16 years old and ever since this happened, I've been spending as much time as possible with them just hoping that it will help somehow. She has always been a very independent woman though and it's been hard for her to accept help from me. For a long time, she couldn't even tell people about his addiction because it was embarrassing and heck, we just hoped it would go away. I was the only person she told and although that made me feel good, it also made me very sad for her that she had to keep it all inside and pretend like her world was fine. He tried rehab & counseling but nothing worked and now we're all paying for it, big time.
I'm finally writing about this because I can't get it out of my head. I think about him, his wife & their daughter all the time, at all hours of the day and I've even been dreaming about them. I have always been the kind of person that feels what other people feel so this has really, really affected me. I guess I just want to talk about it... I want to tell people how I'm feeling and to explain that when someone makes a bad decision it affects lots of people around them, not just themselves. I've gone through an array of emotions during this. At first I was upset at him for being so selfish and choosing drugs over his perfect wife and innocent daughter and then I was understanding because my own father is a recovering addict and I know that addiction makes a person act like someone they're not.
For quite some time we've all been in limbo just waiting to find out what his fate would be and now that we know, we can start looking ahead. His wife can pack his personal items up and store them in the garage... we can make plans to send him small things that might make his time a little easier on him. Now I know that people end up in correctional institutes because they're being punished but some of it is a tad harsh. For example, the inmates have to BUY their own toothbrushes, soap & deodorant.
I've already started writing to him and I'm also going to order a magazine subscription or two so he has something to look forward to every month. My husband and I also hope to be able to put a little bit of money in his account which I know will also help. Again, I know that he is in prison for a reason -- he committed a crime and is being punished for it, I don't disagree with his sentence at all. I just want to talk to you all about what's been going on and why I've been so depressed. When my friends hurt, I hurt and there's nothing I can do to stop that.
My friend IS a good person - he was a good husband and a good dad and that is important for you to know. Because of drugs though, he made a mistake, everyone in his world has to pay & no one will ever, ever be the same.
Do YOU have a loved one who is incarcerated? How do you think you'd react if someone very close to you ended up in prison?
~ Faith
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Comments: 35
I did have a very close family member who was imprisoned a couple years ago but then released on an appeal after 15 months. In his case, he was charged with shooting a robber with the robber's own gun after my family member walked into the guy robbing and dragging a woman down an alley. They fought and struggled over the gun when it went off, it could have just as easily been my family member that was shot and injured, or even killed.
The robber got sentenced to six months and my family member got five, even though the girl was there to testify for him, but like I said he got out on an appeal and a very expensive lawyer.
While my family member was in though I only went to see him once, I couldn't deal with the searches the prison he was in made you go through. I did get other family members to go see him though, since they were ok with all that. I also made sure he always had money, books, magazines and newspapers as did plenty of other family who were very concerned about him.
The way everything happened was very sad, but it turned out ok in the end and my family member said he wouldn't have changed anything about his response that night. Especially since a year and half before that happened I myself was grabbed on the street and had two total strangers come to my defense after walking out a back door.
Just being there for him, even if it is with only letters helps.
Drugs do make addicts become someone else. They do things that they wouldn't do if they were clean. I know that is true. But I also know that we all make choices about lots of things and taking drugs is one of those choices. It seems incomprehensible that anyone would start smoking with all the information about tobacco out these days but they do. The same with meth and all the other many drugs that are out there and so easily available, especially at first when they want to addict the person. The info is out there and yet, people begin taking drugs, I guess, thinking that addicition only happens to those other guys. That they can handle it. That they would only do it recreationally. That they would never do anything illegal to obtain drugs. And so it goes.
Your post is a most effective one. I hope lots of people read it and get the message, that drugs will only hurt you and your loved ones. I hope your friend comes out of the experience determined to be clean and sober. I also hope that his wife watches and listens and learns enough to know if that isn't happening and to take their daughter out of that life. It is tremendously hard on the children.
Bless you Faith for feeling for your friends and being there for them. My prayers are with you and your friends.
anyways,friends are needed much at times like these,and its great to see you are one,as some people start to judge when things like this happen....I hope and bless his family will be ok..as I know the struggle they will endure,,My cousin aslo had a1 year old when he went to prison,he got to see her rarly and the mother ended up taking off with his cousin long story short a few of us that were there for him is what got him through...hang on and tell him to do the same...
I would love to suggest for your girlfriend a group called Al-Anon. This is a support group for family members who have been affected by an addicted family members drug or alcholism. It has helped thousands of people.
Hopefully, your friend will become involved in a 12 step group inside of prison. When you write him letters encourage him to get involved in the AA/NA groups. As a recovering person, I could not stay sober and live a reasonably happy life without this support. These people have become my life long friends. Remind him that no one can fight this disease alone. It's impossible. But with the help of God and my support group my life has become something that I am proud of. I am not hurting the people I love anymore. He does have a future ahead of him with his life and daughter. He just needs to take some action.
HUGS HUN!
I think that another big factor is the shame. Just like you were afraid to say anything, these families are afraid to open up. It must be so hard, but they will always find a friend in me.
Years ago I was impressed with the Angel Tree ministry. They ask for donations for Christmas gifts for the prisoners' families. The children think the gifts are from the parent. Since children who have a parent in prison have a higher risk of going to prison, this ministry goes beyond kindness. I encourage all to contact their church about participating this year.
Try and get your girlfriend to have the courage to accept help. It's going to be a long several years.
I hope things work out okay for your friend and his family. From what I hear, if he stays with the program, he'll do better, but again I have no personal experience with it, thank God.
I emailed you personally just now but want to say here that I was writing this piece to get some thoughts out of my head, I wasn't trying to act like I was all educated about addiction because I'm obviously NOT!
I did ask you though to feel free to send me anything that you think will enlighten me on this subject.
**HUGS**