I am not writing this article in regards to how you should discipline your child, I am writing it on a topic that is being debated wide spread. In several states they are trying to ban spanking; some feels its abuse some don't. I myself have spanked as a last resort with hand only on the bottom, which isn't real often. I believe at no time should an item as belt, branch, whip, etc should be used. Have I been guilty? Yes I was one time with my oldest son when he was younger. I felt bad for days on out and never done it again. I use time out a lot for James, grounding for older children. My sister who has owner her own licensed daycare has used the essay method for the older children. Where when the child has done something wrong they have to write a one page essay on both sides as to why it was wrong and how they could of changed their behavior. They had to sit there until this was completed. I found a few articles in regards to this subject I would like to share with you.
What is the difference between discipline and abuse? (Found on DCFS page)
Discipline is designed to help children control and change their behavior. Its purpose is to encourage moral, physical and intellectual development and a sense of responsibility in children. Ultimately, older children will do the right thing, not because they fear external reprisal, but because they have internalized a standard initially presented by parents and other caretakers, and children gain self-confidence and a positive self-image.
Abuse is characterized by its orientation toward satisfying needs or expressing the negative feelings of parents or other caregivers. While it may result in positively changing the child's behavior, often the improvement is temporary and followed by a later acting out of the hatred, revenge and hostility they have learned from their parents. To avoid further abuse, children may lie, run away or exhibit other forms of avoiding responsibility.
Abuse tends to damage the self-esteem of both parents and the children. Safe, effective discipline is a correction given in love. In evaluating methods of guiding their children's behavior, parents or guardians need to ask themselves:
Is the discipline.
* carefully related to the offense? * administered in the calmness of conviction rather then in the heat of anger?
* fair, weighing heavily in consideration of the child occasional, and of brief duration?
* free from physical violence (e.g., look of reproach, scolding or the taking away of a valued privilege)?
Here is a CA debate on banning spanking on Fox
And here is a CNN video in regards to the debate
So I ask you what is your view on this should it be banned? What method of punishment do you use for what age?
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Comments: 83
On the otherhand, I do not believe in any punishment toward the face or head (as I had this growing up) and it hurt the worst and I consider any punishment toward the face abuse. For ex. Busted lips, a slap across the face, hair pulled, etc. Its just ABUSE. Period!
sometimes kids need a spanking, at last resort, when we have said things 10 thousand times:)
Spank a child if they are out of line. Note I said spank, not beat. Use your hand. You can pop their rear end 3-5 times and you are done. Behavior has been modified, and a lesson learned. No abuse took place, and your child will respect you, themeslves, and others.
People need to stop letting law enforcment raise their children for them, and start doing it themselves. I say the proof is in the pudding. Look at the teens who beat that one poor girl. They were never disciplined, and society wonders why these girls acted in such a devious manner. If they had been taught proper respect when they were younger, this won't be a problem today.
I have seen people be falsely accused of child abuse and their children taken from them (some very good friends of ours) and it took them years to get the children back. All the while the children were really being abused by another person who was being allowed unsupervised visits. I think having a law to ban spanking would just lead to more false accusations and trouble. Case workers in most states are already have too many cases and are overworked and stressed. The system already punishes parents who go too far and abuse their children by taking them away (although the system is far from perfect and there are children that the system misses) or making the parents attend parenting classes and counseling. I do also believe that for some families spanking can be done in a way that would not constitute abuse. JMO. Thanks for sharing :)
Congratulations for bringing up a controversial subject. That took a lot of nerve.
Oddly enough, we were having this conversation today at work. We are all "of a certain age', meaning 40's and over.
My friends and I all remember getting a swat on the butt when we were naughty.
When I was little, Mom would warn me I was doing something naughty, and if I continued to ignore her, I'd get a swat. Open hand on the clothed bottom, but a swat. It certainly got my attention! And if I was playing at a friend's house (my Mom not there), my friend's Mom was a proxy. If I refused to listen to my friend's Mom, same thing, swat on the butt.
I don't have children, but I look at my friend's kids. They grew up overindulged, pampered, and told that anything they wanted was OK. Not to say that a lack of 'swat' was the cause, but they were never given any discipline. They stole cars, shot out windows, and generally caused havoc. And their parents paid their fines, told them that failing to finish high school was OK because the kid didn't 'feel self-actualized in that environment', and paid for them to go to fancy Rehab centers to sort it all out.
And now, their kids are in their 20's, didn't finish high school, and are working at Office Max or equivalent. The kids all expect that they will have nice cars, fancy home computers, nice homes, etc. And if I ask the kids how they expect to reach these goals, they frankly don't know. They have no plan for learning skills or having an education. They just expect to get nice stuff.
My parents didn't use the swat very often, but they instilled a sense of personal responsibility. By the time I was a teenager, the worst thing they could do was say, "I'm disappointed in you."
I would have rather had the swat on the butt, it was less painful than disappointing my parents.
I use spanking as discipline. I don't think it should be banned. I think that when used properly and with other forms of discipline, it can be very effective and certainly not abuse.
But I am very cautious about making it illegal to do so. It is already illegal to abuse your child. I am not sure how far we want to invite Uncle Sam into our homes.
You know your children. When they can reason, it's time to talk, but hold your ground. They live under your roof. Your rules apply.
My daughter just had welfare called on her for the fourth time. The welfare worker called me and the consencous is that the reports are based on maliciousness. My daughter got up this morning and had two tires slashed by someone in the night. As she lives 14 miles out of town on a ranch, it makes you wonder who wasn't satisfied with the findings of the welfare and the outcome.
The Bible says ,"to spare the rod is to spoil the child". My daughter has only spanked her five about ten times, and the oldest is thirteen.
I was of the generation that got whipped with a belt whenever my mom felt like taking her aggression out on someone. I was handy. That in itself it a hinderence to honoring your father and mother.
So states should stay out of the home life unless it's reported that someone is fearful for a child. Just my opinion.
Barbara S.
Isnt that what most of us were raised with .... my parents saw fit to use what ever they felt like picking up at the time...
With my youngest especially I learned a different behavior... I learned the understanding of the feeling of raised bloodpressure or the moment getting out of control. I learned to walk away... and to discipline when the rage would subside.
Chores.. Chores and more Chores..
I believe in writing term papers too.. or putting the discipline to work to create a better child by having them tell me on paper what happened. Where the moment is going.. and how they feel about it now and how they are going to correct it.
Also when I discipline.. I enter it into my desktop calendar what happened and what my discipline was for. Especially if there is any grounding going on.
I also make sure that If I can not keep my promise on a grounding that I try hard not to ground according to that.. and more then anything... FOLLOW THROUGH!!!
Banning spanking... NO I dont agree with Banning Spanking... There needs to be consequences though for children as well as parents.
There is way too much Parental Abuse going on where the child is abusing the parent.
Spanking is one thing.. beating is a whole other topic!
When we took spankings out of the home and prayer out of the schools we got an undisciplined, unruly generation.
The real issue is that parents get angry and lose it on their children. They vent their anger on their children... Children are children and are going to make mistakes.... As an adult I get to be a nervous wreck when people yell, I have been known to drop things... it is hard to realize the damage you can do to a child...with your anger. I am so trained if anyone looks like they are going to raise their hand at my head, I duck...it is an automatic response learned as a child.
There are better ways to get your children to behave. Reward them for good behavior and you will find they can do it... If my daughter wants to go to the mall, she has to get certain chores done first.... It does work. If she wants a friend to come over...same story. Good behavior = reward...
SUSAN W -- You nailed it .. Kids are OVERINDULGED and take no responsibility for anything they do ...
We also gave your content a 10. If you allowed ratings on your content. Have a great Friday! Now tag your turn to comment back! Keep the chain going.
Here's an incident from my childhood that shows its effectiveness
I loved this article a lot of thought provoking subjects.
I have three children and the two older ones have had their fair share of smacks and so has our ten year old. Some justified others I could have done better perhaps.
When I was going up my brothers and my sister we were thrashed at times no questions asked and to be honest that's how it initially was for me, they are doing wrong smack them but I guess it does make one think about one's actions now.
I believe that a big deal is made when our children misbehave whether it's by growling them or smacking them but when they are doing good things they are not praised. I think we have to be consistent, show by example, and give praise when it is due. I also think when it comes to children harming themselves, they need to be disciplined whether by a smack or reprimand is ok.
Being a parent is hard enough when you have 'the powers that be telling us what we can and can not do. How can we bring our child up to be safe and to become respectful people for themselves, their parents/caregivers and others.
Especially when the law makers sometimes do not even have children of their own.
Corporal punishment has been long banned in our schools and as much as I agree with it, there is now no respect for teachers, other students, parents.
I think we cannot save the world but if we bring up our own children to be respectful of us, for themselves, those who love and care for them and people who are apart of their lives at the time, then it can only be good for when they leave the safety of their home. For me my children aren't perfect when they are at home but when I hear from others things like ... gosh your children have manners, they are so good etc then I feel how we are bringing them up, we must be doing a good job.
I believe a community also can bring up a child, unfortunately communities are getting so big and diverse it is hard. When I grew up we could do no wrong out in the community because everyone knew everyone so if you misbehaved your parents were certainly told about it or you got told off from the neighbour down the road and I don't have a problem with that. If they hit my child I'd have a problem but it shows people care for the right reasons of course.
Lots of love, praise where deserved and a good sprinkling of discipline when required from an early age we are on to a good thing so congratulations all you parents, grandparents, aunties, uncles you're giving great love to your children awesome.
Any way I think I've just flown off on a tangent but those are my thoughts on the matter, keep up the good work, Miriama.
I think the lack of discapline is why we have so many kids in trouble with the law.
Marijuana is a gateway drug. Or is it caffeene or is it sugar????
I disagree with your analogy that spankings have to get worse. Hitting is ok in self defense and I would be happy to send my child to school knowing they will stand up for theirselves and have build charicter.
Marijuana is a plant. It is medicine. It is safer than the prozac you down every day. Just because you get your drugs from a store and a person in a nice white coat does not mean the social ramifications are not the same.
Since when did we allow the government to put a monopoly on medicine. Corporate greed has taken healthful and non-addictive plants and replaced them with addicting opiates and psychosis causing anti-depressants. Both of which can be overdosed upon.
your avitar is lame.
Anyway, know that Natalie is a teenager, I've found other alternatives to physically disciplining her. Usually, I just ground her or take her computer privledges away from her.
If you're spanking so much that the child gets numb to it, then it's not the spanking that's the problem. You need to change how you approach parenting in the most basic way.
I have spanked my son, not very often though. I am usually able to discuss things with him to correct his behaviour. But the time that he ran off from me in a crowded public place, and my fear that he had been snatched up...after I found him, told him why I was so upset, explained how kids get taken all the time...We went into the bathroom and he got a few swats to remind him that he should never to it again.
Today's kids are so out of control, and I totally blame the parents for their lack of control. Kids have no respect for adults anymore, and that is why things keep going downhill.
Even if I were against spanking...I do not feel that the government should be making that decision though.
Blessings to you and yours...
i'm glad you are feeling better...
Angel Glitters
The is a huge line between spanking and abuse. As someone else said you can abuse a child with your mouth and it hurt worse.
I think you should count to ten yourself and make sure you are no longer angry when you spank, explain why you are punishing them. Usually the wait hurts worse than the few pops on the bottom do. As they grow older you do have to start taking prividleges away, instead of spanking. It hurts your hand more than their behinds.
When they are really bad take everything out of their room except their bed and clothes and make them earn the great junk they had back. By good behavioral habits.
So that said, I feel that I'm somewhat of an expert in this subject. I've observed the parenting styles and the personalities of children. There is no one sized fits all approach. Time out is very effective with some children. Some children push the limits purposefully and become more and more manipulative or angry or explosive as they age with or without spankings in their life. Sometimes they are angry because they are abused or if not abused, very close to it. Others are just as angry and even violent because they have never had a spanking when they really needed it.
I have a child in my care who's mother does not believe in spanking. The woman baby talks to her son. She displays something that looks like the most patient behavior possible. But I don't believe it. This child is 4 years old. What looks like a patient mother is really a non-caring person that refuses to take responsibility for her sons actions. This child spits, hits, throws toys, breaks toys on purpose, can rarely make it through a meal time without pinching anyone that has the unfortunate lapse of judgment and sits next to him. This child runs away when he is told to stand in time out. He does terrible things that borderline on absolute wickedness and then immediately looks at you and says I'm sorry about 5 times as I'm standing there pointing at the wall.
His mother believes she can talk him into behaving through psychological babel, reasoning etc. But it's not working AT ALL.
I always suspected that she never spanked at home. But it's so hard to believe that a child can be so willful, obstinate and out of control and the woman has never spanked. But then recently I met a friend of hers. This woman went on and on and on about how horrible this child is and how mean he is to her daughter.
I know it sounds like I don't like this child. That's simply not true. I love the boy. But his mother is on my CHIT list. I'm sick of her telling me that he simply can't be perfect all the time when I tell her how mean he is to other kids. I deal with it as well as I can, trying always to put the safety of the other kids first at all times. But I've seen how sweet and cooperative the child can be when he wants something from me. I know he knows what he's doing. Up until recently I could bargain with the child by telling him that he must earn the privilege of going to the playground, movie or some other place the kids and I are going. If he was naughty he would be left at home with grandma (my mother). That worked and he was beginning to improve. But one day the mother came in 2 hours early and was angry that I wasn't back from an outing. Because she was inconvenienced she decided that he must stay home from now on. Now I don't have the outings as a bargaining chip and his behavior is over the top bad.
I have decided that not only does this child need a few really good spankings to set him on the right path. But his mother needs a spanking worse than anyone I've ever seen!
One day I asked this child if he would rather stand in time out or get a spanking when he's naughty. Without a doubt he told me he would rather get a spanking. He's actually angry that is mother insists on time outs because he thinks they are the worst ever. He's too young to write sentences. This child is begging for his mother to learn that boundaries exist and that he wants some.
Suzi
I am the proud mother of three grown children. They have never been: Kicked out of school, in trouble with the law, given me a missed night's sleep wondering where they were, been late more than half a dozen times without picking up a phone and calling, accused of being disrepectful to an adult in any position.
I did spoil them. That's for certain, and I know it. There were no allowances. I simply gave them money for "Services rendered" there were specific chores that were expected from each of them. When they needed money for a trip, shopping spree, or something else they wanted to do or attend, they would ask "Mama, can I have such and such for so and so" I either handed over the money, or explained why we couldn't afford it at that time. As such, they are very good with money as young adults.
As a matter of fact, my son lost his job five weeks ago. He had enough money in the bank as a 22 year old college student to pay his rent and all of his utilities at the beginning of the month. He called me three days ago, and said "Mom, I hate to admit this, but I have no groceries because I haven't gotten a check from my new job yet. Could I borrow $5 for bread and peanut butter". Naturally, his dad and I bought him $50 worth of groceries. I didn't want him to go hungry. As soon as he got paid last night, he brought the money back.
As children, I can promise you they got their butt busted many times. Open handed, on the BUTT. Not the face, the arms, or the legs, the back or the head. That is abuse. There is a reason God gave children padding! Never with a rod, broom stick, strap, switch, electric cord. Always the hand.
We would sit them down and explain what they were being spanked for when they were old enough to understand.
As toddlers, their hand was spatted for reaching for cords, stoves or anything else that could be dangerous. They were told NO! at the same time. As well as "Hot or that will hurt you if you pull it on your head"
I did not squalsh their personalities or their wills or their creativity by busting their rear ends when they needed it. I could take them to the grocery stores, the movies, and restaurants and didn't have people wish I would take them and go home. They were often complimented on manners and behavior.
Their obedience was out of respect...not fear.
Do I think that spanking should be outlawed. Absolutely not. Do I think it will be. Probably. We are seeing more and more parental rights being terminated in this country and we wonder what is wrong with our kids!