The hidden bane. A twisted back and walking cane.

If you were to see me on the street sitting on bus stop bench, in the store leaning on a shopping cart  or browsing books at the public library, you would probably take very little notice of me.  I am basicly your average looking 34y.o., 6', 160lb. male individual.  I have brown eyes, short pepper hair and a slighly oversized nose.  There really is nothing extrordinary about me at all.  You might take notice however after I place the books I just checked out into a carrying bag, stand up and began to board a city bus (not a chance btw), or left a store and headed for my vehicle after dropping off my shopping cart.  I can not say for sure.  I do know that I feel self concious sometimes. 

The reason for my self concious nature stems from the fact that I often use a cane.  You see, it is not common for a 34 year "young" guy who has all the appeances of decent heath, to be brandishing such an item.  For me it is a stigma, and I can almost feel peoples eyes boring into my back as I shuffle to my destination.  Much of the time I can get by without using it especially if I have something to lean on or will only be going short distances.  However, there are many times where I find it absolutly necissary.  Not only do I use a cane, but I also wear a Boston brace. 

A Boston brace is exactly that, a brace.  This brace however is generally wore concealed under a sweatshirt or coat and nearly invisible in outward appearance.  It is an upper body brace which is formed specifically for me and made to fit to my trunk.  Which is to say just above my hips and slightly below my shoulder blades.  When I am not wearing it, it looks like a dead, white, hollow tree trunk, chocked full of dime sized termite holes.  The holes are there to aid in the removal of heat away from my body;  in the summer it can get quite hot and very uncomfortable to wear. Nevertheless, I frequently endure this discomfort to alleveate other ones.

The reason for all of these acutrements, is that I have fairly severe scoliosis.  In 1991 a month after my 18th birthday, I had corrective surgury to prevent my spine from continuing a steady track tward a drasticly progressive curve.  Had I not had this medical intervention, I would most likely be in a wheelchair as I write this, or in the extreme, deceased.  The curviture threatend my vital organs and without intervention...........  As it was, I nearly did not survive the operation.  I was in my late 20s when it fully dawned on me how profound a decision it was to move forward with surgical intervention.  Not having it? Well, that really was not an option. 

Prior to my surgery, I was just a young, dumb, wet behind the ears, nieve kid.  I can honestly say that I did not give my surgery much if any thought......at all!  I was just happy I was being fixed.  A few weeks after, when I was stable enough to go home is when I truly learned of the extent of peril my life was in while undertaking and recovering from the proceedure. 

What I learned scared me, and I am actually thankful I did not enter the surgical unit with this knowledge beforehand.  I have a scar that runs from the top left side of my trunk just below my left shoulder blade, all the way down to my left-center groin area just above my pubic bone.  It is about two feet long.  this was where they sliced me open and layed me out to do the surgery.  From there, the doctors removed one of my ribs (for use in the graft on my spine/fusion). They then collapsed my left lung, pushed aside my heart and other internal organs and proceeded to install my now current intrementation.  I have a picture of my xray published on here if anyone cares to see it.  I recall waking in the operating room once and being asked to wiggle my toes, and then they put me back under.  They then began to quite literally staple me up.

When I awoke again, I was in intensive care.  I did not realize what was happening, and I faught to remove the tubes and hoses covering my face and nose.  I blacked out durring much of this time and I only know what others have told me.  I do recall being very thirsty, but not being allowed to have any liquid, only paste sticks lighly soaked.  I remember after becomeing more aware of my surroundings that I kept trying to regulate my heart beat with the beeping of some of the machines in the room.  I was so infatuated with this that the nurses had to turn them off and monitor me strictly from the nursing station.  I also was in excruciating pain. from the screws in my spine, the incision, the collapsed lung, the chest tube and other things as well.

Because of this pain, I have found that I blocked out memories.  Not only memories of some of the time spent in the hospital during this time recovering, but huge chunks of my childhood many years prior as well.  As I mentioned earlier, it was not until my late twenties and even still that I realized how profound this was for me.  I still can not recall some periods of my early youth, but more and more of it is coming back.  My surgury was in 1991 and after 16 years, I am just in the past few years begining to realize the significant impact this has had on my ability to lead a proper social life aside from my physical limitations. 

For example, I can now rightly attribute much of my failed relationships with individuals as a direct correlation to the unavailability for me to develop these skills at the prime of my life when I should have.  Instead, I was focusing all of my attention on learning to live with my disability while at the same time trying to ignore it and fit in and be like everyone else.  This too I am now understanding only served to compound my problems, not only socially, but physically as well. I wanted so much to be normal that I would totally disregard my conditon and end up participating in activities and events which agitated and compounded it.  I frequently illiceted severe pain to myself and blatently ignored it for years suffering in silence.  An individuals body can only handle so much of this however and there finally came a day where my pain was so unbearable it broke my resolve and I finally sought medical attention. 

I must mention I wrongly blamed (harbored resentment tward) the medical field for my state of being, when in fact I have them to thank for what I have.  I just detest the fact that I must heed them now, which is acceptable and no fault of thiers.

At first I encountered quite a few doctors who had no idea what to do with me.  I underwent various xray's, mri's, and other tests.  I finally found a docter who specialized in my scenario.  I was shocked to learn that not only was I pushing myself closer to a wheel chair sooner, but also that both of my shoulders were dislocated, (a result of my furniture factory labor).  My spine has hairline fractures and slipiture above and below my fusion as well.  The specialist told me that if I did not begin to stop, slow down and start leading a profoundly more sedintary lifestyle I would risk having to have a full spinal fusion which would result in almost total imobility.  I do not know if i could survive another such event.  He went on further to state that it may be necessary even if I did start leading a sedentary life; However it would not happen as soon.  Several of his colleagues agreed with his assesment as well.  He finished by stating that "essentialy you are retired".  He and others in his profession recomended I seek SSD.

I did so, and after many long years it was finally awarded to me.  I still have a difficult time coping with the pain and it still effects my sleep and my interactions with others in the social venue.  I hate taking pain medication, but absolutly cannot function without it. 

One frusterating things for me is the fact that I keep losing more and more of my ability to do the things I used to be able to do as well as the things I enjoy doing.  I used to love to split firewood, but now I dare not because of the agony it causes.  It agravates me that I cringe when one of my chilren rush to hug me because it jars my back and causes pain.  I am not angry with them, just at the simple fact that it limits something I cherrish very much. Probably the most frusterating thing though, is when others expect me to perform as they see me, or, they forget I have limitations.  For this reason, my medical problems are my hidden bane.   

I know some individuals here have some knowledge of my condition via my mother's articles, and I appoligize if I have covered old territory.  I allowed her to publish some content prior to my joining.