Congratulations to our Reader Promotion winners whose comments on each of the 20 advancing First Chapters submissions were selected as the most insightful. These readers will be awarded a $500 Borders gift card!
Take a look at what these members had to say about the 20 semi-finalists' first chapters:
Christine Zibas commented on Scott Auden's Theodore's Choosing:
The writer has managed to manipulate us just enough so that we experience being there, being confused as if we are one of the children in the story. I have found this chapter to be more interesting in that the writer has done exactly what he set out to do: create a believable story set in the future with just the right amount of confusion and foreboding to make us want to learn more.
Robert A. commented on E.J. Churchill's The Spyglass Account:
Does exactly what a book of this genre should do in the first chapter! Introduces and develops characters (protagonist and/or antagonist) through description and characterization. This chapter does this while also tantalizing the reader by having a flawed hero who may have some moral limits outside of his choice of profession. The language is written in a descriptive manner that enjoyable for avid readers as well as the casual, one novel a year person....therein lies its potential!
Noble Collins commented on William Delia's Home to the Mountains:
Some of the best writing I've come across here. Your sentence and paragraph construction are excellent, and grammar, punctuation and spelling are spot on. You even tell a pretty good story (or three, or four.)
Andrea E. commented on Geoffrey Edwards' Fire Bell in the Night:
Your writing is engaging and heart-felt, and your dedication to your subject matter is evident. I was impressed by your character development and your use of realistic language patterns. I especially enjoyed the dichotomy created in the conversation between Gantry and William Smythe-the narration and dialogue fit the language that would have been appropriate to each character.
Ian M. commented on Judi Fennell's Beauty and The Best:
This ended so pleasingly in the way of first person POV, for us to know her this way, but also to see into the quick composure in her reactions to things. It didn't always have an attitude behind it, it's up to us to visualize the situation here. I thought you carried the scenes flawlessly. It seems that you have followed all of the rules to writing, and it also seems you have quite a story to show to us.
Christina Pilkington commented on Eric Goodman's Tracks:
The overall plot-line was intriguing. I too am a huge, huge fan of interconnecting stories. I actually would like to read a second chapter and a third to see how these characters might eventually interact and how their individual stories fit into a large theme. The fun of reading novels like this is to learn something new about a character from another's characters point of view.
Ruth R. commented on William Hershleder's Beyond Abraham:
I enjoyed reading this chapter. It gives a vivid description of some little-known historical, cultural, philosophical and ethnic dimensions of the Jewish and Muslim worlds. The main character is humorous, cool, thoughtful and serious in demeanor and gains the interest of the reader, even without a physical description of his appearance. Having no knowledge of the background of this novel, I think it is interesting, rather like The Robe and I anticipate, it will not be commercially disappointing.
Susan L. commented on Christopher Hudson's The Rise of Isaiah Black:
I wish I could've read more of this intriguing and suspensful story. Publish it so I can find out what happens!
Carolyn A. commented on Candida Korman's Wendy and Alice:
Very intriguing, drew me through right until the end. A lot of ground for one chapter and the case was solved very quickly, so I wonder what will occur in the following chapters. Of course, the Alice, Dinah & Lewis names (and the pedophilic photographs) were obvious clues that you're borrowing classical characters a la Bridget Jones or Wicked, and I have strong suspicions about the original kidnapping so you've definitely drawn me in with suspense.
Marco H. commented on Jeff Kozlowski's Sea of Movement:
The first thing that struck me about this chapter is how different it is than much that you currently find in the bookstores. Secondly, I really found myself enjoying your writing style. Although simple, it's really quite intoxicating. As I sat here reading your story I could hear the waves and smell the salt air. I felt like I was a part of the jam session on the beach. When you can take the reader on a journey and they lose sense of reality, that's great writing. You just took me on an island vacation.
kevin i. commented on J. M. LeTurk's The Wave Organ:
Great first chapter. A wonderful introduction to the main players and each one is so unique. You tease me into wanting to read more! I'm craving more information about these characters and the meaning behind that cryptic cookie fortune! Not only am I intrigued by how the story will develop, but the characters are interesting and I get a bonus from the different ways the story is told. Mysterious, creepy, sassy, thoughtful, sexy, funny... wow!
Ronald S. commented on Geeta Menon's Speechless:
The prologue was like the baited hook, chapter 1 made me decide to take a bite, but the end of chapter 1, you yanked. Now lets get on to the next round, I must know if you just reel me in. Excellent writing, keep it up. Very nice character development and a very smooth flow of interweaving backgrounds. Can't wait!
Tom Hunter commented on Scott Middlemist's Name Drop Zone:
Opening with an interesting sentence, ala Anna Karenina. Interesting and provocative about dropping napalm over Phoenix (a place I have lived.) Well, I would first describe this as a tour de force. Fascinating on many levels. More order is required in real life. But of course, there are always novelists such as our friend Chuck Palahniuk who break such rules with great success. Perhaps we have just such a writer here..
hugo k. commented on Robert Moscoso's Junction Boulevard:
Your piece is provocative, dynamic and at times, almost gritty. You do seem to excel at getting a rise out of the audience and pushing their buttons. It was well written, with well-defined characters that are real and evoke genuine emotions. And while some people may not entirely sympathize with Rico, he is undeniably interesting. As a general rule, I don't normally need to fall in love with characters in a novel to enjoy reading about them. So long as they are original and true to the nature of the story, I can get into it. And Rico does make for some good reading. I will look forward to the next chapter.
Ann B. commented on Stephen Prosapio's Dream War:
Sci-fi novels are not normally something I'm drawn to pick up. But the fact that this chapter made me examine what you were doing and notice the quality of your construction speaks volumes to me, personally. Your chapter, to me, accomplished what's most important in terms of intriguing the reader, giving us clues, dropping the reader right into another world, introducing characters, and making me want to take the journey on into your novel to figure out how he got from where he's at in 1981 to where he's at in the beginning section.
Beth S. commented on Rebeccah Ruby's Big, Hairy and Bloodless...:
This was an interesting read in a voyeuristic sort of way. I appreciate your attention to detail and the humor and levity with which you write. The mentioning of so many actual people (writers, etc) in this story helps it ring true... much of attraction of this sort (where the people have not met in person) is what you like, and what you have in common. I also appreciate your intellectual characters. You did a fine job of weaving in the backstory.
Alan D. commented on Rachel Schipul's Forty-Two Blue:
A disturbingly weird story. That said, I thought it was very good. I have no idea what's going on at this point, but I think that's kind of the idea. This is a very engrossing beginning for your book, I'd love to read the rest.
Lynn P. commented on Terry Shaw's The Way Life Should Be:
Compelling story line. It leaves me with more questions then an SAT test, and I hope to find more questions answered in the next couple of chapters. I know I've thought that certain story lines seem to have painted themselves into a difficult corner, and yet, they worked out reasonably. I will give you the benefit of my experience with tight spot stories of the past, and am very interested on how this all works out. That's a sign of a good writer -- making the story almost interactive, while the reader's mind goes into over drive trying to fit the pieces together.
Devin S. commented on Kieran Shields' The Whole Dark Earth:
I found the main character's voice very compelling, right off the bat. Although the whole chapter is highly internalized, without much visible action, the author compensates with not just the recounting of the battle from his dream, but with an equally compelling internal conflict. The bottom line is the writing gripped me early and I feel the author has made enough of a promise to the reader in the first paragraph to warrant reading on.
Julie H. commented on Denise Wadsworth Trimm's Earth Island:
Compelling story, beautifully written. I love the analogy between I Love Lucy and the mother, using it to learn how to spell is very clever. I think the voice you chose is right on for a child, and I'm sure it will mature with her as the story - and her age - progresses. I don't mind the Kennedy coincidence. I think a lot of people have interesting stories about "where they were when the president was shot". Would love to read more.
We still need your participation: through April 25th, you can read, rate, and comment on the First Chapters Writing Competition winners' second chapters (see links above) to determine which authors will make it to Round Three.
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Comments: 46
Stephen Prosapio
DREAM WAR
Or are these not the entire comments posted?
Or perhaps none of these entries had a comment like that.
And I'm sorry. I don't want to belittle the winners here. They were all very nice comments. Congratulations!
And, THANK YOU to Gather & Borders for this! Thanks!
That made this competition the good experience it was for writers who were really looking to learn how to get better -- and to learn how they measured up as a writer. So thank you to everyone who made it a point to read and read and read and then read some more -- and who then left comments that showed what worked and what didn't work for them as readers/editors.
And I have no dog in this hunt so don't write this comment off to sour grapes or hurt feelings. I recognize poorly crafted material when I see it. Apparently Gather does not.
Carla when you are done with you piss fest I think I heard your mother calling....think its your bedtime and you have to be up early for kindergarten tommorrow.
Thanks to Gather and Borders for giving the readers an opportunity and a motive to sharpen their reviewing skills.
Thank you all for your feedback. The 20 posted comments are only snippets from the selected winners. Please join us in congratulating the 20 winners!
And Lori, I think there's too much yellow in your swimming pool. You might want to pull that little fellow out of there.
What's really sad is to see the back biting even going on in here. *sighs* It gets so old. This is to congratulate winners and yet people are acting childish...again.
Anyway, congratulations to all of you.
First of all, congratulations to those who won a gift card. Well expressed reviews. I enjoyed following a great many of you around as we read first chapters.
And to the Gather folks, thanks for being objective in selecting the comments you deemed most insightful. It's obvious that you looked solely at the comment thread for each story. I wasn't sure how or if you'd be able to do that.
Yet, I can't help but be disappointed for the reviewers who spent so much time on many stories, only to receive no recognition. Many of the gift card winners were familiar to me--I'd seen their names on quite a number of first chapter comments. But the others were not familiar. When I checked out the namespace for those other winners, I found that several had made no comments other than for the one story for which they won a gift card. At least one was on Gather for one day only--the day he signed up (and left his review?).
I'm not sure if this is a complaint or merely an observation. I'm glad that nothing other than a desire for an insightful comment drove the selection of the winners for the gift cards. But I can't imagine that overlooking reviewers who spent hours reading and commenting on scores (or hundreds) of stories was in Gather's best interest. You want these readers/reviewers to continue with this contest, to keep reading and offering their support and comments. Yet offering a prize to those who commented on a single story rather than those who invested time to encourage and help many competitors does not lend itself toward that goal.
My opinion only. Thanks for letting me air it.
And fyi, I can't speak for any of the other winners, but I dedicated a lot of time to reading and commenting on chapters.
On to reviewing the Top 20!
I edited your first sentence to read as follows:
Caroline Leeds spent the summer day exactly the same way as she spent every other day of the week for the past six years, but this late night was unusual. [Explain from her perspective.]
I edited it this way because the last part hooks us to the following, whereas with the first way, we can almost lose the idea of the night being unordinary when we learn that she spent the day as any other day, which could lack further interest unless we read carefully. It's up to you. Some people really need a good first sentence. Secondly, they don't have much time to consider reading past a weak one. The first way was written better, but necessarily the second way adds interest. Also, it originally was in the form of telling us in advance that something unordinary would happen. You don't want to do that. It used to read this way:
Although the sticky, late summer night would prove to be out of the ordinary, Caroline Leeds spent the day of August 3, 2001 in exactly the same way as she spent every other day of the week for the past six years.
Notice that I left out the word "sticky" because I think you use that word later, and it gives the character more attitude and less appeal. For me, attitudes don't work unless it's in the dialogue coming from sideline characters. For a rape to happen to her, it would make sense for us not to like her in her attitude and expect it to happen to her, so if that was your intention, some of her attitude is workable. I like narrative distance with some intimacy to characters that we like. For the most part, I like your character in the remainder of the chapter, but "sticky" seems made up, and the character wouldn't so much notice it indoors, she'd notice more that the night surrounding her at the office feels unusual. For her to have what's assumed to be an attitude about the weather could make someone pass on this because it's also assumed that that attitude is consistent with the character, who so far we don't admire in her status with the attitude she has about small things. I know, it's a character, it's fiction, we can do that, but it almost seems made up also, like not only is that the character's attitude, but a way to add detail for the sake of it lacking enough detail. A rape is about to happen, and here she has the attitude that the night is despicable, she looks down on it as if it is below her. That attitude is also a cliche for rich people, and we don't want the cliche at all.
That is one minor thing to change, but anywhere that these small words struggle their way in should be made more consistent with the rest of your writing, which so far is quite good. I do like her intelligence, but for her to be intelligent, I doubt she'd carry too much of an attitude. The weather is also insignificant for her while she's indoors. You do explain exactly what her day has been concisely and quite well. She thinks a lot about herself, some of it is very intelligent, but you should broaden her perspective in the position she's in. Maybe she's young in life and clueless, but I don't get the idea so far that that's what it is. She just seems "above everything." It can be read differently, I know, but we haven't adapted to the voice yet to get an appropriate impression, so the rest may be read off quite a bit.
"Going out with" is another cliche. Try "meet, live with forever, whatever." The last sentence to your first paragraph is my favorite, we like her there. It finishes the paragraph this way:
But much of the day Caroline just looked out the window and wished that she was somewhere else.
Where you may cut the backstory, you can proceed with the scene, if you can, where she leaves the office building up to the point that she quickens her pace. We're missing the action and changes there. It almost cuts appealingly, but I'm sure you can show the changes of the scene and her decision making. Maybe it's too quiet on the street for her to feel comfortable, or maybe it's so quiet that she is comfortable up to a point.
For her to have such an uplifting mood turn around like that in the quickness of the scenes is quite believable. I've experienced that. But it needs to be shown more, so I'd move the backstory or cut much of it and save those characters for later. Finally develop the parts that need more. You want to make an impact with your story here, and your writing will carry through the rest of the book if you can accomplish that with the first chapter.
I like the story because it gives a concise overall visiual of the turning points of the character. With the backstory, you or the character either one have a sort of wandering mind, and I think she'd be more assertive with the janitor not to be that way.
What you may decide to do is put brackets like I did after certain sentences that can be further detailed or shown from her perspective. Even with your final sentence in the first paragraph, you may open a new paragraph to show the things she'd look at and perhaps go into the backstory as a flashback where she had been thinking about her mother and friend and all that, and then return to her throwing her chicken lo mein in the trash. From there, the scene with the janitor really takes off and we don't need to wander off again unless it's the character's way to do so.
I'd also recommend getting your work evaluated by an editor because they would tell you what works and what doesn't further than I can. I think with what I've shared so far on your first chapter will help you make some necessary changes, and since you've written it this far, it should come easy for you. The process can be very fast since you know the story so well in your mind.
Finally, I would say that we're working with the reader's intuition, and where some books really give me quite an impression of the character, I feel like my own writing needs more internal monologue and better narration. For that, we need to study more.
Good luck.