America needs a superhero. Nowadays you need to have a cast iron stomach to listen, watch or read the news. The news events seem to get progressively wackier with each passing day one can't help but to feel powerless to stop it. There is a limited pool of options at our disposal, but they are options nonetheless.
One involves cutting yourself off from the world and all of the media sources that transmit the sordid information to your person. The second involves becoming jaded to the things that come to pass and do nothing. The third option is rather extreme and may require a modicum of effort. Doing something small, something productive with the expectation that your good work will have a ripple effect on the community or let's think even bigger than that; what of society as a whole?
The world has changed dramatically in the three decades plus that I have been a resident on this planet that we share. I remember that in the 5th grade we only needed to bring a note from our parents to get authorization to go off campus for lunch in downtown Chicago, we had an hour for lunch and we would walk 2 to 3 blocks to the restaurants of our choice, eat and then come back to school without fail. The thought that we might be shoved into a car or shot never crossed our minds. In 2007 I panic if my 10 year old son is 2 aisles away from me in the grocery store, his going off campus for lunch would be nothing short of treasonous!
I often wonder how things have gone so far "south" so fast. Although we may not realize it, but we live in a disposable culture: "If its broke don't fix it, throw it away and get another one," seems to be the rule of thumb.
It gets to a point where it can give one a heavy heart- the question that we all ask ourselves occasionally, only to push it to the recesses of the mind "Does it really matter?" seems to echo and rather than it fading away the sound seems to grow louder with each passing second. It makes me think of a saying that I heard on legendary Hip-Hop group De La Soul's last release Grind Date: "A man has five kids and hates driving a bus, but he loves five kids." Putting your duty to family above any other selfish desires is what I took from it.
There is so much going wrong in society, especially here in the United States that it is hard to point at one particular thing that is causing this domino effect of madness, but in m humble opinion I would have to chalk it up to lack of parenting. When I was growing up my Dad had this mantra that he would always repeat that he got from my late grandmother: "It starts at home and spreads abroad." Often this was the phrase that he uttered while reaching for his belt whenever me and my siblings broke the rules. Consequently, anything that I got a "whupping" for I never did again. Whenever a harebrained scheme briefly crossed my mind... I thought of my Dad and the belt, thusly the idea left as quickly as it came. The power of the belt nowadays has been relegated to the scrapheap of legend for many parents.
People seem to be afraid to discipline their children for some strange reason. I was in Target not too recently where I witnessed a child of no older than 4 years old demand that his mother buy him this toy that he was holding. When she replied no, he proceeded to stomp his feet and began kicking her in the leg until he extracted blood. Rather than exercising her parental authority she put the toy in the basket and limped off. I saw her in the checkout line a couple of minutes later, buying the toy for the child.
Children need to have boundaries and discipline because if it isn't fostered at home it spreads abroad and becomes fodder for newsprint and headlines such as: Student with troubled past shoots 4 in Ohio School, Sniper feels shame, guilt for murders, 41 schools on lockdown after threatening calls.
Although it is a small component of a larger complex problem, fatherhood is one of the keys. The mindset of many men that fatherhood is an optional pursuit needs to be addressed and quickly. The over sexualized images and messages that are conveyed to youth only stress conquest and leave responsibility as an afterthought. The reality of this really reverberates when I'm driving the streets of West Baltimore and I see children out on the streets when common sense would dictate that they should be inside. Should we put out a APB for Daddy?
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Comments: 75
My sons father was absent, but I met William who was a real father to them.
Now my sons are great fathers. My youngest has joint coustdy of his two children. And he often has there half brother too. He likes to give their mother and step dad a break.
You are correct about Dads.
My Dad was the most influential man in my life.
I didn't know it at the time.
He was my security blanket.
Security blanket is gone now.
He was a conservative man (I didn't like it), but I respected it.
He taught his sons to respect women, not just through words, but example, as he highly esteemed and respected his wife/our mother.
He bought our mother a plague long before I was born and the plague stayed on the wall. It read,
"Pa is boss as everyone knows, but what Ma says always goes."
He had a strong work ethic, that was passed to his sons. Like I said he was very conservative and felt a man should take care of his family. He felt a man who didn't provide more than adequately for his family, now these are his words, --
not mine -- wasn't,
"worth a damn!"
My brothers -- even the con man -- are examples that his lesson sticks.
He believed our mother and he were partners, but he was also somewhat of a chauvinist; that was fine with me, because that meant my brothers got the worst of it in any given situation. lol.
Yes,
You are correct about Dads, Shun
You are correct about Dads, Shun
You exemplify the kind of Dad we need.
I have read your articles and I have seen it in you, my Dear friend.
:=)
He's a tired grin in the evening...
He's a happy hello in the morning...
He's a big friend with love in his eyes...
He's the leader of the clan with a smile in his heart...
He's friend, adviser,teacher,pal....
" He's the greatest MAN in the world.
Our prisions are full of young men who are looking for a DAD!!
Men who understand the "Daddy Principle" fast become my heroes. For the earthly father is often a child's best re-presentation of the Heavenly Father.
How responsive Daddy is, forms most of a child's opinions as to how responsive he or she can expect God to be in meeting needs and concerns.
My Dad and the Men in my family set me up with great standards by which I view the male of the species.
There is a huge difference between a male and a Man. If a guy has to ask what that difference is, then he's probably a male and not "Daddy" material. Something for a young Woman (as opposed to a young female) to consider when choosing a mate.
Hats off, Shun!
Some people may say this is a race/culture thing. Some point to a particular generation as being more guilty than other generations. Frankly, I have seen this same sloppy or completely absent parenting for as long as I can remember, in all kinds of family situations.
Certainly, your own childhood experiences contribute. And yes, what is accepted as a cultural advantage/weakness can be used as an excuse for inadequate parenting skills. But we are all adults here, at least I assume as much. Even if your parenting skills are learned OJT, it can't be that difficult to accept the concept that you are your child's primary (if not only) source of protection, safety, information, guidance, love, laughter, wisdom, medical care, education, religious options, etc. This list can be as long and complicated as your child's needs.
But my point is the same as yours, I hope. Planned parenthood or accidental pregnancy, it doesn't matter when a child is involved. Step up to the plate and be a parent. By being the best parent you can be, by trying to be even better than your own parents (even if your own parents are great), you will help to start a trend. That ripple effect you mentioned will be taken up by our children who, hopefully, will be better parents than we were.
That's not a bad ripple, if you ask me. I think society will thank us.
Babies are a source of steady monthly incomes whether dad is around or not? The social safety nets have replaced personal responsibilities.
Children should lead us and we should respect them and their feelings above parental limits?
God is being removed from public discourse. I like the ideas in these verses... The first proves the wisdom of your father Shun:
Pro 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
1Ti 5:8 But if any provide not for his own, and especially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.
Maybe that is why there is all that extra padding on their little butts?
Pro 13:24 He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him quickly.
Pro 22:15 Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.
Pro 29:15 The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.
Excellent article.
In regards to the fathers, I definitely agree that too many father's are absent in their children's lives.
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Then there are the parents that forget they are parents. They are trying to be their childrens best friend. You cant be their friend. You have to always be a parent.
Then there are the parents that are truly bad parents, the drunks and drug addicts.
But now the children can do wrong and get by with bad behavor too, because they have learned they can blame it on society. Our Media and Government has hurt a lot of good parenting efforts.
You have just inspired my wife and I to volunteer as Foster Parents...we had been discussing it for about 6 months. The pros and cons...worst would be seeing a child returned to what would most assuredly be more pain and having to let go.
I have to believe in the seed principle...whatever little joy and direction we may provide will hopefully one day prosper.
Too many parents are trying to be their child's or teenagers friend instead of their parent. This is a big problem. Parents if you want your children to be able to thrive in this world they must be disciplined.
Now, mommy can discipline just as well as dad in some cases, I think most don't. I am by far stricter in certain aspects with my teen son than my husband, HOWEVER, he fears my husbands displeasure far more than mine. Dads DO play a major role in the upbringing of our children and yes, I think Dads from the entire spectrum of society, from poor to rich need to be more involved in their childrens' lives. I don't mean taking them to soccer or baseball practice, I mean giving the stern look that warns them that they're dangerously close to overstepping the boundaries and they understand that repercussions are pending.
This really is an excellent piece that you've written and in my opinion, Gather really should have featured it. Still should.
Too bad more men weren't made from the cloth that my Dad was because if there were, we wouldn't be in the sad predicament that we are in now.
Thanks!
I look at other people's kids and think how lucky we are. My husband and I have had no major issues with our kids so far, except one not turning in all his homework. We've made the decision for me to stay home for a while, so I'm here when the kids get home from school. I know where they are, what they are doing, and who they are with at all times. My parents were the same way. Living on one income isn't all that easy, but we both feel it's the right thing to do.
So many kids in my subdivision are left alone all afternoon, and they are the ones that tend to get in to trouble. Plus keeping the kids active, but not over scheduled has helped...Boy Scouts for my son and dance for my daughter.
"Show me a child's rap sheet and I can tell you all about their father."
Shun, why did they say that?
I don't know. I never asked my mom. You listened, you didn't interrupt or ask questions, and I guess I just wasn't that interested at the time. But why did those cops say that?
I don't think they were being judgmental.
By the way, our parents did spank.
Yes, I did get spankings from time to time
There is absolutely nothing wrong with them.
Recently a California assemblywoman tried to get that outlawed here
-- sorry Assembly woman, but even the liberal State of California wasn't swallowing
THAT BIG LUMP!
A child welfare SPECIALIST told me once -- confidentially --
you better BELIEVE he spanks his, but they aren't allowed to tell people it's okay,
because people can do dumb things and then the State would be liable.
But back to my parents -- heck yes! -- they spanked!
We're all responsible adults -- working/retired -- no jail or things like that
(correction: parents never had to spank 1)
But fathering and parenting WORKS!
How did we get to where we are now, divided, angry,jealous of what others have{class envy} and an insane worship of people who lack any self-respect and who's character is akin to a strand of cooked linguine, rather than shuning these idiots{britney,snoop},etc we appauld these jerks. In todays America, if i were to say to a crowd of people- My name is Joe and i discoverd the cure for polio, people would say Oh, that's nice, now, if another person saId to that same crowd, My name is Judy and i just danced naked on a bar last night in front of a bunch of strangers, people would say WOW-WOW-GREAT can i have your autograph.
In America at one time A good strong character was important, sadly now a weak person of weak character is preferable. Family Values should be posted on every Milk Carton!
However, I must take issue with "the belt" and the corporal punishment issue in general. I can recall only two instances in my childhood where my father struck me (and the second time I really asked for it, I called him a bastard to his face, being a teenager who had gotten bigger than him -- never even saw the hand coming when he slapped my face). As a father I can count on the fingers of one hand the times I ever struck my children and each one of those was an example of when I failed as a father.
Discipline is essentialy and parents must provide that. Hitting the child is unnecessary to enforce disciplie (I know this from personal experience).
The lack of fathers for far too many children is a ticking time bomb in our society. In the housing development I run there are far too many single mothers raising children with no assistance from Dad or Dads (which is also the case too often).
In America, from what I read, the problem for the black community is severe. Back in the days of slavery the breaking up of families was routinely done on purpose by slave-onwers as a way of punishing their slaves and keeping them from learning the pride that one gets from a healthy relationship with one's father. In the modern age the over-incarceration of black males is doing much the same thing.
We will pay for this, no doubt.
I also had a friend that was an excellent father...not only to his own son, but also to his fiance's daughter. Well, the daughter wasn't too fond of him stepping into the picture and upholding rules that were for the childrens own good. She called and placed a false report with Childrens Services, advice she received from a girl friend, in order to be placed with her grandparents who she had completely snowed...just so she could have her way. My friend was absolutely devastated.
I agree with your Dad's mantra - we must be active, proactive, and reactive in our childrens lives. They truly are our future and it looks pretty scary at this point.
2) Discipline is good, when consistent.
3) Physical punishment is not necessarily a bad thing, when it is not administered in anger.
To be quite frank time outs, punishments, taking away toys just doesn't past the mustard...
Time Traveling: Things my Daddy taught me: http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474977080489
Keep up the good work and the insightful writing Superdad!
While of course I agree with the notion that fathers ought to be responsible, I also agree with much of the earlier portion of your article, in that there are many troubling and complicating forces at work in raising children. I also know that many fathers are not entirely to blame for their limited roles in their children's lives.
For just one example, if I had not fought at great personal cost to remain a prominent figure in my daughters life, I too would not have been an "active" parent. And a good friend and co-worker went through a similar attempt by the mother of his children to exorcise him from the family. I have heard many similar tales I can't speak with true confidence about, where the laws and social systems seemed almost to beg for bitter disputes between separated parents.
Here in California, at that time (perhaps it's changed by now), the mother was given such power to control the situation that a sort of master slave relationship was almost bound to develop, it seemed. If she moved, you moved. If she demanded certain days and times as "visitation", you accepted that, or suffered whatever she deemed appropriate as recompense. When she enters a new relationship, you adapt to it too. And you payed each month, regardless of what you had to provide and do for your child. And they see all this, long before they can understand any of the reasons we realize make it necessary on some levels.
The world has not been good to the father-super-hero, and it is not always easy to play the part convincingly.
Having been emergency care foster parents for several years, it's not just the dads, but also the moms.
There's a thin line between disipline and abuse that really needs to be addressed.
anyway...yes it"s true DADDYS not home anymore, and mommy either don"t care or is to busy sweating blood and tears to keep the boat afloat. either way it spells trouble for the children left behind, and since they don"t have anyone at home to look up to they search out someone else....most of the time the people they find aren"t worth a shit.
I often talk with the youth in urban communities and I ask the young men who are parents what do they do for their children and they puff up their chests and proudly tell me, "I buy my kids all the freshest gear (clothes), I buy diapers and formula, I'm a good father, better than the one I had!"
"But that's what you're supposed to do!", I explain to them, "What do you TEACH you children about life, what to avoid, the right way to conduct your life? What TIME do you spend with them, asking them questions about themselves, learning about your own children and their lives?"
I get the "been to 'Nam" gaze, they don't have a clue as to what I'm referring to because they really have no frame of reference. Most whom answer in this manner didn't have a father or strong male counterpart in their lives, so for them, just being visible is an improvement. You are so right, Shun and thanks for a perspective from a man's point of view, we women have been trying to hold it down, but there are certain things I'm simply not qualified to teach a child, things that only a man can pass down.
As for spankings, whoopings, whatever you may wish to call it, when used with common sense and applied sparingly, it is a tool to enforce discipline. I was psanked, my kids are spanked (although not lately, knock on wood!) and I expect my grandchildren to be spanked as well. Imagine how much business Dr. Phil would lose if we brought this back!
People use children as extensions of their own youth and instead of guiding them, they live vicariously through them. Try tough love for drugs, stealing or any major problem and you are labeled by the courts as an "abuser", but say yes dear and allow the behavior to continue and you are a good parent.
At which point do we stop the cycle and return to being a teacher, a leader and an instiller of values?
Many of the fathers are not missing, they just think that it is more important to be liked by their children. And by tough love, I do not mean hitting.
Sorry I got a phone call in the middle of writing it and it was my old brain got disconnected.
honestly Shun i don"t know what could be done with them, their parents tried or maybe they didn"t...anyway they failed at becoming stable adult males at some point in time, then passed on their failures to their children.....as far as their children know the world has always been in darkness, they might at one time have seen the light but didn"t now how to respond to it. so in the end that one little seed has given them enough sense to buy diapers and clothes yes...but they are blind they don"t know and don"t see that there is more to it all than that, remember most of their fathers never gave them anything at all...ever, so when these guys buy their kids diapers, they are being more of a father to their kids then their fathers were to them. FUBAR
If kids don't have a dad to look up to then their chances of success in life go way down, and your life as a parent goes right down the tubes with them.
I think all parents should exercise their parental authority. What's with this giving into their every demand.
When the father leaves the home (if he was ever there), he's gone for good or there is always some drama between the mother and the father that the child is put in the middle of. The child can't see his or her father because he isn't paying up. Child support is an important issue, but I don't think it is right for a child to not see their parent because of money.
The world is also just an unsafe place. I can't let my children go outside because they might get snatched up, beat up, or shot and killed. Kids want to be able to go out and play and get fresh air, but they can't, or at least not where I live.
I believe that a lot of society's problems begin in the home. We could begin to help solve the problems if we had more stable households. Even if the father leaves or is absent for some reason, we can give our children a male role model whether it be an uncle, grandfather, or any reliable male they can look up to.
I make sure I discipline my children. Sometimes I hate doing it, but they will be better people because of it and they will be able to raise their children right because of it.
My dad passed away in March 2007 (Please view my article titled DEATH).
You are a wonderful man and with men like you stepping up to the front, we can reclaim our families. May GOD bless us all.
SUPERB JOB!
Kimberly V.
I'm still waiting for Superman to save the world
I personally believe the lack of consistent values is the source of most of the problems in this country.
In fact, I'd have to say that 'democracy' as we know it, is a "failed social experiment", and it's time to come up with something new. Something which can actually PRESERVE a consistent set of VALUES, which can then PROTECT our families from the many DANGERS which become prevalent, when our VALUES fall by the wayside.
I've finally decided that it's not possible to govern any nation, or any group of people, for that matter, be it large or small, without bringing some form of 'religion' into the equation. Because, after all, it is RELIGION which decides VALUES, and it is VALUES which determine HOW a nation will be governed, and which laws will be enacted and enforced. Laws are based on values, and values are based on personal belief systems, therefore, it's really not possible to divorce 'personal belief' from government. Hence, there can never realistically be a complete separation of 'church & state'. Our mistake was trying to institutionalize such a notion.
'Freedom of religion' seemed like a nice idea, but look at the CONFUSION, CHAOS, and LAWLESSNESS it has created! No one knows what to believe anymore - consequently, they choose to collectively believe in NOTHING.
'Democracy' too, seemed like a nice idea, on paper, but is it REALLY PREFERABLE, after all, when 'the mob rules'? Do I really want my quality of life decided by a majority of NOT NICE people?! (since that does seem to be what our society is producing)
The fundamental flaws in our social/governmental system are now making themselves plain.
If you want 'freedom of religion', then be prepared to have child molesters on every corner, claiming it is part of their 'belief system' to molest your children, therefore, they have a RIGHT to it! Be prepared to have homosexuals influencing YOUR children's 'sexual preference'. Are you ready for it? Is that what YOU want? Well, if not, better learn to accept - this is what 'freedom' means... So is 'freedom' what is best, after all?
If you want 'democracy', be prepared to accept SOMEONE ELSE determining the values YOU live and die by...
This is the price of living under such a system. (and also be prepared for the system you are living under, to be fraught with corruption, since that is simply HUMAN NATURE, when consistent VALUES are absent!)
Now, I'm not advocating that we solve the problems, by enforcing MANDATORY CHRISTIANITY. Don't get me wrong. I think we also need to rethink what makes a 'right religion' and 'right values', to some degree...
As it stands now, it's become clear that the ONLY consistent 'value system' left in America, is THE DOLLAR BILL. It's the only thing we can AGREE on. It's the only thing which gains you consistent 'respectability' in this society...The value of money, and the things it can buy. And if you've got enough of it, you can buy the kind of life you want, for you and your family, you can buy your 'rights', you can buy your 'equality'. If not, then you are simply subject to the whims and values of others. Is this going to be enough??
Does it really equate to 'freedom' and 'equality'?
I think not.
Our country is in trouble because of a lack of agreed-upon values. Ethics and integrity are in the toilet, because ethics and integrity are based on VALUES.
It is no wonder our children are confused. Who can really blame them? I'm confused, myself. How can I tell them what to believe in, when I'm not sure, myself?
GT