My fight with OCD

When I was at school I didn’t have a particularly good time. During one point at that time I developed an obsession with closing doors - I had to close them a number of times or something bad would happen - when I closed the door my thoughts had to be good thoughts, not bad, otherwise I would have to close it again. I thought I’d grown out of this when I stopped doing it, but from then on I had had ‘little habits’ although they weren’t anything to worry about. Its just those habits that most people have (checking to see if the doors were locked or the fires are turned off a few times etc.)

Quite a few months after my dad died I was playing on a computer game and when I switched it off the screen wasn’t still and I was ‘told’ it should not have been. I tried to ignore it - I didn’t want it to come back. That evening I loaded the game and quit it while the screen was still. But it was wasn’t enough, I had a bad thought while moving the ship I piloted in the game and ‘it said’ I had to move the ship in the same place again before quitting the game, but it got worse: it wouldn’t have any effect that evening so I had to do it the next day. To cut a long story short it wouldn‘t let me finish this. It wasn’t the computer games fault however because just before this event I had a few times were I had to rewind a certain point in a film, because I’d miss-heard a word (It wouldn’t of mattered but if I didn’t wind it back something bad would of happened). It kept pilling up: I had a problem with a  few other games; videos; even having to read a page from a book at a certain time. But it was like a separate part of my mind trying to break me. I could see it, and I tried to find a loop-hole to get out of it. It got to a point were it was telling me that if I didn’t do these things my Dad would burn in Hell. I could see his face sometimes, suffering, and it would be all my fault if I didn’t do these things. I knew it was silly but my mind was saying it could be true. Eventually after about a year of secretly fighting this (at one point it did leave me alone, but it soon came back) I managed to turn things around. I broke it, saying that if I do these things something bad would happen. I had used all sorts of logical thinking to change it. But I beat it. While I had this though it seemed clear to me that the underlying nature of the universe was evil. I look back and realise there was a separate ‘mind’ an anti-matter sentience to my real mind matter. It tried to make me delay some of the things I had to do by a few months - probably so it would linger on, or in case I managed to fight it. Which I did, and when I look back I am fascinated as well as angered about what happened. There was an affirmation that what was in control was evil. There was no God or anything good behind all this, just evil. I thought about it though: lots of people have phobias about numbers; numbers were just something we invented, the universe doesn’t know these numbers. We think that we are still when we don’t move - but the planet rotates and the galaxy is moving too. I got over that but life is a struggle; my luck is bad luck - a slew of problems and now I am depressed a lot of the time, I see complete blackness. In everything.

So were all have a sub-conscious mind working separately - in my case fear didn’t want bad things to happen no matter how illogical the thoughts were and I knew it. These thoughts seem to feed on fear, it makes up these thoughts itself to survive - like a virus. Could they be a way to cure this completely?