Citing Health Risks, Gather To Crack Down on "Point Whores"

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana.  It's 10:30 p.m. on a Saturday night, and Linda Scribner has just finished "In Love's Tender Thrall", a romantic novel of the type referred to in the trade as a "bodice ripper".  "Well," she says with a satisfied tone in her voice, "time to go to work."

She logs on to her computer and, with a few mouse clicks, is at her "My Gather" page on gather.com, a Boston-based "social media" web site.  After refilling her glass of white wine, she types a headline that reads "Sure Bin Laden is Bad, But So Are People Who Leave Their Cats Alone All Weekend!" and is off to the races, cranking out an 800-word article that will be read, picked apart and commented on by over 100 fellow gather.com members within an hour.

bin Laden:  Someone is watching his cats while he's gone.

"You are so right!  I can't imagine leaving my Fluffy alone for a minute more than I absolutely have to!" a reader named "CatLover" writes. 

"You are the sort of unpatriotic scum that is ruining this country!" replies another who goes by the screen name "DogLovingPostman"  DLP has no sooner clicked "Post" beneath the "Join the Discussion" feature than a barrage of "second responders" jumps all over him.  "The Iraq conflict is a civil war--there is no reason for you to be uncivil!" says one, and "I'll bet your dog's ugly!" adds another.

The Macbeths

Scribner sits back and enjoys the fray, sometimes laughing, other times slipping in a zinger of her own; "It is unfair to compare the Clintons to Macbeth and Lady Macbeth--the Clintons are not Scottish," she writes at approximately 10:55 Central Time, before checking her Gather Point total.

The Clintons, or Rodham-Clintons.

"1485--not a bad night's work.  I'll have a $25 Borders gift certicate in the morning," she says with confidence as she turns out the light.

Linda is one of a growing number of "point whores" working cyberstreets to pick up promotional rewards, and she has refined her style to the point where she can keep herself in best sellers merely by turning a few high-point "tricks" each week.

"For 500 points I'll write you a poem.  For 1,000 I'll give you a recipe for tuna noodle casserole."

"Generally, I like to stake out an indefensible position on a hot political issue," she says.  "Everybody's a closet pundit, and they jump all over you right away.  Throw in something about cats, Hitler or a 'How do I upload a picture of our family reunion?' and you're guaranteed to rake in a 'bill'," street slang for a 1,000-point post.

Velma Lou:  "The thang I like about beer, it feels good both inside and outside of your skin."

Others turn to point-whoring out of sheer necessity.  Velma Lou Ritter, a single mother of two who lives in a mobile home near Knob Noster, Missouri and goes by the user name "TrailerParkQueen", says Gather Points help her put food on the table.  "Because of my kids I can't go down to the All-Nite Truck Stop to work like the other girls," she says.  "I put Gather Points in soup, oatmeal and Sloppy Joes to stretch them further."

Velma Lou has re-posted her "Cheesy Meat Loaf Squares" recipe twelve times in the past four months, in each case eliciting enthusiastic responses from other house-bound women desperate for human contact.  "Yum!" says one member who calls herself "Homemaker Deluxe".  "Can't wait to try them out at our next potluck dinner!" gushes another, who signs on as "MoBaptistSynod".

Missouri Baptist Synod church:  No dancing allowed.

The increase in members who post solely to boost point totals rather than to receive input from others on their written output has persuaded Gather executives to call in law enforcement, and local police will now be encouraged to participate in "Project Pointscam".  "The soundness of Gather Points as our currency is integral to the robust realization of the business model of the space we occupy," said Tom Gerace, Gather's chief executive officer, cramming as many buzz words into a sentence as time would permit.  "Also, people could get viruses from an insincere, cynical article."

"I got one now--she's just cutting and pasting dumb blonde jokes."

Under the program, police dispatchers will be encouraged to read Gather during idle hours when they would otherwise be making fantasy football trades or playing solitaire on their computers.  Where probable cause exists to believe a user is posting fraudulent content in order to inflate point totals, a search warrant will be obtained and Gather will press charges. 

Tom Gerace at a weekend retreat of high-ranking Gather officials.

Under what legal theory would Gather proceed, Gerace was asked.  "Obtaining money or property under false pretences," he said.  How will individual police officers be motivated to participate?  "We were thinking of giving them some kind of promotional incentive they could exchange at participating merchants."  The working title of the new program?  "Police Points". 

The program swings into action on a Sunday night as Sergeant Jim Hampy and Officer Brian Moynihan of the Boston Police Vice Squad take seats in the bar at the Ritz-Carlton Hotel, a watering hole where the lonely well-to-do meet for companionship, many of them widows with significant Gather Point balances they inherited from their late husbands.

Millicent Minot

The two policemen are working undercover, looking for Lucien de Groot IV, a Gather member who has been attracting high ratings for his musings on art and fashion by spreading excessive praise for the efforts of neophyte poets like Millicent Minot, heir to the Minot fish oil fortune.

"Simply exquisite!" de Groot will type late at night using a "macro" he created on his computer so that all he has to do is hold down the "Alt" and the "x" keys to crank out praise by the megabyte.

de Groot--the cad.

"Look at that fruitcake over there," says Hampy as he spots a man wearing an ascot who appears to be in his thirties.  "I think we got our man." 

de Groot scans the room looking for Minot, a widow he has drawn into a relationship by commenting on her poems.  "I especially like the lines 

A kitten asleep

can make you weep,

They are so cute

and furry to boot!"

he told her and she, in an unguarded moment, revealed that she hadn't figured out how to convert her 10,000 Gather Points to gift certificates.

Minot is holding two roses, their agreed-upon symbol of identification.  "Millicent--it's Lucien!  How good to finally meet you!" he says as the two exchange an air-kiss.

"Nice to meet you, too," the older woman says without tipping her hand.  She's wearing a wire, having been alerted to de Groot's motives through the Pointscam program.  "I hope you brought me some new poems!" de Groot gushes.  She's keen to impress the younger man, and replies in verse.

Glad that you asked--I certainly did.

I knew you were young--but you're just a kid!

de Groot laughs at her impromptu riposte in rhyme.  "You!" he says as he wags a finger at her.  "Always with the couplets!"

The May-December couple sits down at a table for two, and Millicent spreads some of her latest work--all written in longhand on scented lavendar paper--out on the table.

Ralph Lauren poofs

de Groot checks his watch--Borders closes in an hour.  He'll have to hurry if he's going to pick up a Ralph Lauren coffee table book tonight.  "These look lovely, Millicent, but to properly appreciate them, I should take them back to my apartment and read them without distraction."

"But I thought we were going to have a proper date!" Millicent says with a disappointed tone.

"Really, dear, I want to experience the full impact of your poetic powers while I'm lying in my own bed," he says.  "Now about those Gather Points---"

Faster than you can say "Paul Verlaine" the two vice cops have de Groot hog-tied and are reading him his "Gather Rights".

Busted.

"You have the right to remain silent," Moynihan says through gritted teeth.  "You shoulda used it instead of posting that god-awful 'Rainy Day Thoughts on this Fall's Fashions' to every freakin' group on the site."