by aj r.
Member since:
October 31, 2007

HELP ME!!!!

January 13, 2008 05:31 PM EST
views: 48 | comments: 20

so 14 years ago my dad left our family and got into drugs and beer. after a huge argueement with my stepdad and mom, my sis moved out to live with him and now he says he is "clean" that was a month ago, now my sis wants me to meet him and i said i dont want to because i dont even know him, one day in school she comes up to me and asks me to meet him, of course i said no, but she started to cry and say he has changed and that my mom is lying about him and he cries every night because he cant see me and my bro. That stil made me say no, but i felt a little bad, i cant say i love him if i dont even know him, but she wants me to meet him on wednesday. I dont know what to do, if i see him, he will stop being "sad" but she said he will hug me and talk to me, which will be really weird, and if i dont see him, he will still cry, which makes me feel bad for some reason. HELP ME!!! I dont know what to do. (sorry for the many spelling and other mistakes, im in a hurry)

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Comments: 20

Susan W. Jan 13, 2008, 5:43pm EST
It's really up to you. If you don't want to, then don't!
There is no guarantee that if you see him he'll "stop feeling bad". He's only been sober for a month, so it might not stick.
Instead of a meeting in person, how about a phone call? That way, if things don't go well, you can just hang up. If they go OK, then you can consider the F2F meeting.
I don't know what I'd do in your place, but good luck. And listen to that little voice inside.
Ashley B. Jan 13, 2008, 5:50pm EST
It's a decision only you can make. If you don't want to see him, you don't have to. You could always wait a little longer or maybe call him on the phone if closesness isn't what you want.
April H. Jan 13, 2008, 5:50pm EST
The decision is ultimately yours, but please think it through. You may regret it later when it is too late. My husband went through this as you and finally chosse to meet his bio dad. Eventually they established a relationship which he is very glad he did as his dad died soon after. ANd he stayed sober to the end.
Alison Pearce Jan 13, 2008, 5:51pm EST
AJ, you are old enough and intelligent enough to make this decision for yourself. It is what YOU want to do that matters. If you are not ready, your father and sister have to accept that, emotional blackmail is not the way to get you to do it and maybe if you put it that way to your sister she will be more understanding.
I'm sure she means well, so don't distance yourself from her.
Christine P. Jan 13, 2008, 6:05pm EST
From what I gather you would rather not see him. Maybe at a future date when you feel it is the right time then talk with him then.
Go with your gut feeling AJ.
Linda B. Jan 13, 2008, 6:07pm EST
It is not your responsibility to make everyone else feel better by doing something you don't want to do. They can manage their own emotions though it sounds like your sister would like you to believe that you are the only one who can 'save' your dad.

Please call Al-anon or Alateen for some support group meetings on how to deal with this. (Both of these organizations are free and are for families of alcoholics).

Hang in there. Only do what you are comfortable doing, one step at a time.
Sarah-jane C. Jan 13, 2008, 6:14pm EST
The only thing you can do is what you feel in your heart. It may be hard to deal with so try to get some support. The only suggestion I have is to think about how you would HONESTLY feel if he were to pass away and you never gave him a chance. If you can accept that, then go on with you life, if not then go meet with him, or start with a telephone conversation. Explain to him that you are mad and angry with what he did, and that you may not be ready for a full relationship with him, but you are willing to listen. But that's if you choose to.
J W. Jan 13, 2008, 6:16pm EST
just give him a chance...people all make mistakes ok, meeting you may be what he needs to stay sober, or at least a part of it. we all need to learn the power of forgiveness. he is your father and if he is willing to try and straighten his life up couldn't you at least give him a chance ? it is not too late to rebuild your relationship with him. When you get older you may regret not having met him, it might be on your conscious. what if he died and you never got a chance to know him ? think about it. I cannot make you but I think you should.
Fran S. Jan 13, 2008, 6:26pm EST
if you are under 18 its kinda up to your mother and her wishes
Roger Kiser Jan 13, 2008, 6:27pm EST
I agree, give him a chance. If he found that his family was a good reason to change then do not take away that reason. I would suggest that you meet in a very public place. If he does not prove himself then the burden will fall on him. If you do not offer him that chance then you could destroy any chances he may have to straighten out his life.
Peter Joseph Swanson Jan 13, 2008, 6:36pm EST
You do what YOU want. See him for YOU - or DON'T see him for YOU.
Heather W. Jan 13, 2008, 6:46pm EST
Do what you feel is best for you. Maybe starting out with a phone call would be easier.
Zara' N. Jan 13, 2008, 6:51pm EST
Personally, I'm just going to move right in and say, don't go to see him. He is using your sister...and anybody who is a father and is "crying" still has emotional problems that you do not need to get into. If you ever decide you want to be involved with him, tell your mother first. There are many things that can happen to you, including being kidnapped by him (not trying to scare you, but it's possible)...I don't want anything to happen to you!

Z'
Lacey K. Jan 13, 2008, 6:55pm EST
You need to do what's right for you. Not what's right for him. He will have to live with the consequences of the choices HE made. If you don't want to see him, don't. If you would like to but don't want him to hug you or anything, just tell him that. Say, "You know, I'd like to get to know you but I'm not ready to hug you or anything." He should understand that. Just do what makes you feel at peace.
J R B. Jan 13, 2008, 7:20pm EST
He made his choice. Now he wants to unload on you. I would talk to him over the phone only at this point.
donna h. Jan 13, 2008, 9:35pm EST
AJ, I have no answers for you..but I would talk to him..otherwise you might have regrets
P C. Jan 13, 2008, 9:45pm EST
AJ you need the advice of adults in your life. It would be helpful it that included your mother.

You don't need to do anything to make adults stop feeling sad but you do need to be aware of your own feelings and try to figure this out with someone safe.

If he is serious about wanting contact he will give you the time that you need to figure out what you want/need.
Olga M. Jan 13, 2008, 11:41pm EST
I think you should meet him. Trust in your sister's instincts, okay? Some kind of closure is needed here, and you may be surprised at the peace and inspired energy it gives you. We earthlings are very temporary and on this planet for only a short while and connecting with him will accomplish something spiritual while you are on this earth walk. You can laugh about it together when you are both on the other side one day, when you both have total understanding of what was going on and why.
Dee - Nature Babe! Feb 18, 2008, 4:38pm EST
you can give him a chance but you have to want to do it too! A forced meeting would not go anywhere.

How did it go? Did you go?

Sorry so late getting back to you!
Jerri H. May 17, 2008, 11:13am EDT
I hope things went well


I am behind in comments, but I wanted to let you know I stopped by to view your content and thank you for posting to I was bored :)

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