Class Picture

Kathy wrapped her arms around herself in a much-needed embrace.  In this embrace she was holding both herself and Heidi, who she could only bring herself to steal furtive glances at over her shoulder as the little one skipped away.  She couldn't let her see how heartbroken she was over the conversation that had just happened. 

Heidi had bounded in through the front door with the energy of any seven-year old, just glad to be out of school for the day. She dropped her bag in the foyer and came running into the kitchen where she could smell the cookies Kathy had just baked.  There is nothing like the smell of fresh from the tube cookies. 

"CanICanICanICanICanICanI"Heidi said, looking eagerly at the plate of cooling cookies.

"Tell you what, you go get your book bag and bring it to the table and we can both have some cookies while you tell me about your day."

Heidi scampered off and had returned to the kitchen in record time.  Kathy poured two glasses of milk and brought the plate of cookies to the table.  Always the obedient child, Heidi dove right in and began recounting the stories of a day in her second-grade life.  They always sounded the same to Kathy, and they always sounded wonderful. Boys chasing girls because they aren't yet sure how to deal with the fact that girls really aren't gross after all.  Girls actually being kind to each other because they haven't yet figured out that other girls are competition for the affection of those silly boys.  Kathy wanted to stop time and keep her daughter here, in this safe place, before society with its demands and warped view of how and whom people should be could sink its claws in.  In truth, Kathy wishes she could go back to this place.

Kathy was shaken from her thoughts by the surprisingly loud sound of the book bag crashing on the table. 

"Sorry, Mrs. Abner gave us homework in all the heavy books." Heidi peeked into her bag for the object she was looking for. Kathy hoped she hadn't missed anything while lost in her thoughts.  She had no idea what Heidi was looking for, or if she had even said she was looking for something.  "Here it is!" Heidi exclaimed as she pulled an 8x10 envelope from between two books.  Her class picture.

"Let's see!" said Kathy, trying to match her daughter's enthusiasm.  Heidi proceeded to point out names Kathy is only vaguely familiar with.  Parents these days keep their kids so busy that no one just comes over to play anymore.  They go to dance, or soccer, or gymnastics, or baseball, or piano lessons, or Hebrew school.  One kid in Heidi's class even gets horse riding lessons.  Kathy can't afford those things, so she doesn't get to meet Heidi's classmates. 

"And where are you in this picture sweetie?" Kathy says, trying to regain focus. 

"Oh, I'm right here" Heidi says somberly while pointing at the picture.  She looks as cute as can be in her special outfit she chose just for the class picture.  She is tall for her age, standing a few inches above everyone else.

"What's wrong?  Don't you like your picture?" 

"Not really."

"What's wrong with it?  I think you look beautiful."

"I look fat."

And there it was.  Kathy's heart cracked in two.  Heidi was not fat.  But that really wasn't the point.  Heidi was seven.  And society had gotten its claws in.  "You don't look fat sweetie."

"Yes I do."  Heidi glanced at the clock on the microwave.  Realizing that her favorite cartoon was about to start she jumped up from the table and skipped out of the kitchen. 

This is how Kathy ended up in a self-embrace. She had known it would come, she just thought she had at least four or five years left of carefree childhood. She tries to calm and reassure herself that it might not mean anything.  That Heidi may just be repeating something she heard on a TV show, something she thinks teenagers say.  She tries to block the images that explode in her brain. Anorexic Heidi. Bulimic Heidi. Compulsive Over-Eater Heidi.  Unhappy Heidi.  Kathy rubs her shoulders briskly and stands up to clear the table and figure out what to make for dinner.  As she clears the plate of cookies and the empty glasses she realizes that Heidi has only eaten half of a single cookie.  Kathy pretends she hasn't seen this and goes on with her day.