journal entry~

Journal entry~

Nineteen light years ago, meaning was defined for me. Not the meaning of love, whether faith, either or mercy. Meaning in its most primitive form. Life. Today the child I brought into this realm is no longer a child. I see a man standing before me. Doesn't feel like two decades, and in so many ways it feels like life never was--- before he--- existed. Time is that funny thing I haven't quite deciphered. It eludes me, by staying ahead of me. Or maybe it is that death is just a single footprint in front of my very own. Perhaps, it is now my searching for the meaning of death. Not in any morbid sense, I just want to understand it. It is of course, something we all must face, same as life. So, as the cigarette burns and my coffee cools, I try desperately to catch a few words as they drip through the thin filaments of my cortex. Like, like, the new rain falls through the strands of my hair gently sinking into the roots of my thirsty palm trees. I need water to breathe sustenance for my soul discovered only within in these words and I ache for only a drop to ignite and conduct all which is buried inside my soft voice. And it is barely distinguishable these days, my voice. Even by me. Oh, I can do preachy, but that never works, especially to those whom seem to need preaching most. Perhaps, I could manage a whisper and that would grab their attention. I dunno. Mostly the words spin in my mind, not finding their way to birth. It's as if I enjoy the pregnancy more. Yet the others do not notice I am with child. And I laugh, knowing I could go into labor at any moment. With the sound of thunder, feels as if this lightening storm could fill me with a 500 page novel. Wondering about light, and its origin. Why doesn't the light endure? Why is youth, wasted on the young? How come I cannot access more of my gray matter, consciously illuminating my own ignorance? So, I read. My nineteen year old and I are having a reading contest. I'm hanging at 15 books for the month, he's at 25. I don't understand, I read twice as fast. And we are reading the same books! Maybe it's because, of this friggin novel I am mentally writing preoccupies only my black matter, exhausting and extinguishing the poetry. I'm happy reading my thesaurus, leave me be. Enlighten, Brighten, Shine, Blaze, Flash, Cast light upon...how can I do this in a world of darkness? I walk hurriedly down to the river. The sun is brilliantly lighting the sapphire water and I mean brilliantly, like a simile that reaches and cuts into your heart. Like a line in a poem I've been waiting for, FOR twenty years. There is just no denying, its author, My Sovereign One. I take only my middle child with me. I am a middle child, so I understand very well about being stuck. I have m and m's in one pocket, and cash in my other. And a heart to heart talk all up in my soul. I wonder which pocket he will choose, not noticing, he has seen me stashing the chocolates. It still amazes me that a ten year old can outsmart me, even on my best of days. We walk holding hands, and I think how holding hands is so under-rated as I feel his energy spark and mingle with mine. The love running back and forth, like, like the invisible, golden umbilical cord that shall always remain. It's beginning to rain, and that only adds to our joy. He insists on walking to the end of the dock, I only want to sit, so he compromises. And, I can feel my heart stop, when I think of this love, I hold for this boy. I still haven't a clue. We decide to walk home, in the dusk, dusk so full of energy, so overflowing with light, if you really stop and look. And he asks me what I wanted to talk about? I just laugh out loud, how'd he know I wanted to talk, anyway? And, I think inside, what can I possibly offer this miniature adept? He has so much more to bestow on me. I do, my best kung-fu move and land him up on my back, although, I've done it hundreds of times, it always feels like the first time, if I catch him off guard. We glide on home together and he laughs, I turn around looking to steal a kiss, and I realize words aren't needed; sometimes they just aren't necessary at all.

solange~