How do you get a 8 yr old and 5 yr old sibilings to stop fighting

I have a 5 year old girl and 2 year old boy and they fight like cats and dogs....however, they will defend each other to the end. I tell them to work it out amoungst themselves.

Mom to 7!! So no blood no foul...

ang

Here is what I've done successfully. I have made them sit in separate chairs, back to back, not facing each other. They can not leave the chairs until they have reached an agreement and they have to work it out without my help. If they raise their voices too high, leave the chairs, use "putdowns" or hit each other, they start over again, right back in the chairs. Also, they BOTH have to be happy with the solution, no threats allowed. I'd be the final judge of appropriate solutions, of course, but they generally did fine, with only a little help now and then.

Some of their solutions are unique and not ones I'd have thought of but hey...I was always open to suggestions :)

These three main rules helped stop a lot of problems: Our kids were always told you can't hurt others, can't hurt yourself, can't hurt the house. That covers a lot of bases right there.

You demand that they stop fighting. Allow them to go their separate spaces but do not allow them to fight. They will still have spats but constant fighting should never be tolerated.

Oh, yeah, they had to shake hands on the agreement, too. A quick handshake seems to help ease hurt feelings and made them feel very special, like they were being very official and sealing a deal...:)

thank you both ang and Jane i appreciate your help I will have to try that idea Jane thats something I have not tried thanks again both of you

Joe
I see your point but when kids grow up, there will be times when they have to deal with difficult people and won't be able to avoid disagreements. What do you think about teaching them to learn the art of compromise, listening to their siblings and working things out? Fighting can be a learning opportunity, if it opens up communication channels. I think parents can help their children learn how to handle these things appropriately so they can apply these lessons to life when they are adults. Just a thought...

thats true Joe I never tolerate it but I try so hard to just have peace with them but everything is a fight or competition with them 2 games book toys awwwww!!! i am so tired of it they do eventually stop fighting but not without me stressed and them in time out now they have gotten my 2 yr old boy in it to and I just am to my wits end

I completely agree with Jane its so right

Great suggestion Jane!

Ang, same situation here (mom of six...btw). My kids fight but like you said, they defend each other when the need arises! I think we have a love/hate thing going on, one minute they're at each other's throats and the next they're flipping out when one goes "missing" (ie over to a friend's house). lol

I have an 8 and 4 year old who fight ceaselessly. It's driving me out of my mind too.

I've read many books and tried most of the advice. Nothing works.

I've broken my own rule and got them each their own television in their rooms thinking that would stop the fighting over the tv but it didn't.

I may get two time-out chairs and put tacks in them next.

Jennifer -
Is there a particular thing or issue they fight about most often? That can be helpful to know. When it came to fighting over toys, this was my solution. I'd toss a coin. The "winnner" would get to play with the toy for 15 minutes (I'd time it) and then the next person would get 15 minutes. They would find this so boring that they'd inevitably figure out how to share the toy and usually discover that it was more fun to play together (but not always) . There is no road map for parenting...gotta wing it so much of the time.

I agree with you that learning to handle differences is important, Jane. I believe that the message that fighting (arguing) is not acceptable behavior is more important at this age. You are absolutely correct that they need to learn to work things out but I don't believe that developmentally speaking that they are old enough for that lesson.

So right april my kids are fine one moment and then screaming the next like someone just beat them silly

I'm not sure which is worse, them fighting or them working together to start some mischief! hahaha

Jane -
Well no its everything its who goes and take a bath first its who cup is who's and who sits in which when they know they table is set at appointed chairs its who starts they game first Its really everything and anything they can find to fight about

lol april thats so true

Jane to fix the comment I wrote Jane -
Well no its everything its who goes and take a bath first its who cup is who's and who sits in which chairs when they know they table is set at appointed chairs its who starts they game first Its really everything and anything they can find to fight about

No new suggestions. Hope you find a solution.

My grandma used to put us on the couch with our arms around each other. We had to watch news until we promised to stop fighting. Every time we would fight the same thing would happen. I am 41 years old and remember this so it must have been effective.

I believe that our moms and their moms were asking their friends the same question as you've asked.

There are some good suggestions above for punishing bad behavior. However on the other side of the same coin is to reward good behavior. Keep your eyes and ears open for any acceptable behavior and reward accordingly. They will soon learn the different consequences of their acts and will begin to choose those behaviors that result in the preferred consequences. But you must be firm and be consistent in your application of reward or punishment.

Wow, look at all the comments you got! Thomas makes a good point about rewarding good behavior. Children need praise as much as anyone and they may seem to be brushing it off but they DO pay attention.

Jennifer - It helps to know the particular power struggles they are in and also that they are testing you after you've set rules about where they are to sit at the dinner table. I once asked a mother her secret to getting her kids to obey, because she was one of the few mothers I knew whose children were usually polite and a delight to be around most of the time (no kid is perfect, let's face it, who is?).

She said something I'll never forget: "When I say no, they know I MEAN it". How many of us waffle and let our kids get away with stuff because we don't really mean it when we say no or tell kids they are grounded or whatever? They're bound to test us and it is fine to bend the rules on occasion but they should generally know that when we say no, we mean it.

I was a pretty unpredictable mom that way and vulnerable to the "guilt trips" my kids would try to give me. Then I sat down and thought about it and realized I was the parent and I didn't have to be perfect but someone had to be in charge. That someone was me - and my husband, working together as a team and we backed each other up.

Things work better now. We listen to our kids, we compromise sometimes but we also parent them. Good parents aren't always popular every minute of the day. A sense of humor helps, too. Ice cream for breakfast isn't the end of the world once in awhile and it CAN be fun to walk barefoot in the mud :)

Thank you all for your many suggestions and trust me i will use all of them it has been wonderful reading your words to help me.If any of you have anything more for me please keep writing because i can tell you this helps me more then you know.Thank you all again

Thats funny. My boys were the same age apart and our grandkids the same.
Yesterday when I took Missy to the Dr I watched the boys and boy the memories came back to me .
Best thing I advise is let them grow up to have kids of there own. ; )

I have been in your shoes. I have four older girls now- all 3-4 years apart. They used to fight all the time....now they love each other.

I have 3 children as well my older 2 are both girls ages 6 and 3. They start at it all the time too. So much for my dreamy idea that they'd be BEST FRIENDS! My oldest basically just pinches and kicks and pulls hair. I don't really worry about her literally trying to kill her younger sister... besides that, well Patsy can really hold her own in a fight. So, I let them just fight it out. In the end Patsy usually wins, Clara starts crying then Patsy feels bad and hugs her and says 'sorry' and they go about their day. And I've noticed that the fights are fewer and fewer now because they know what the other one can dish! Haha. I have been ostracized for my method on this many times and I realize it won't work for everyone so, just know that it worked for my girls, and if you do decide to give it a try, there will be a lot of opinionated comments coming your way.

Old post but I found this linked to mine. Mine are 5 & 8 now and when they start acting like this, I take away the TV, Computer, Gameboys, etc and MAKE them play together. After about 15 minutes of whining, they find something they enjoy doing because staring at the wall isn't fun!