I am who I am....and thats who I will be

For the longest time I went thru life as a person who was for everyone else. In many ways I still am, but am at the same time now doing what makes me happy.

I have been many things to many people. I am a daughter, a sister, and a mother, and a friend. I have been so

and so’s girlfriend, then so and so’s wife. A daughter in law, a sister in law, and an aunt. Through all this time I spent being for everyone else, I never really allowed me to just be me for me. Sounds a little strange you say? How can anyone not just be themselves? Well let me explain. I am the type of person who wants everyone to be happy. I tend to spend less time worrying about me and more time making sure that everyone else in my life is happy. During this quest to try to make everyone happy I put the me I used to know and be away in the closet to hide. I closed myself off to opportunities, to emotions and just took on the role of mom, wife etc. pushing aside my personality and who I am to become this role. I really never thought about it or took much notice to it until the other night.

This was brought to my attention just a few days ago, during a conversation that I had with someone very special to me. I must say that it made me upset to think about what I have done all these years or not really done for that matter. I really sat down-well not literally but the last few days I have taken much time to think about what I have done in my lifetime. To my surgrin I find that I have not really had very many accomplishments for myself. A few things that have made me happy yes, but I have not done all that much. In my lifetime I graduated high school. I moved to another state on a whim, and started a new life. That was a good move on my part and I did do that for me. I really needed a change a new challenge. Shortly after moving I met my ex husband and we had a son. I would like to say that getting married was a mistake, but I know better than that. We will just say that it was a learning experience. Not to say that marriage is bad, but I do not think that I did it for the right reasons to be honest. I always new that I wanted kids, and my son was and is defiantly a gift from god.

Other than moving, getting married and having a child I cannot honestly think about anything else that I have accomplished or done for me. I have aspirations in life, many of them. I want to get the management position at work, I want to OWN my home not rent, I want to share the love that I have with that special someone. I want to give my son a good life. I want him to grow up knowing that he is loved and to be the best parent that I can possibly be for him. While I have all these things that I want to accomplish the one major hurdle that I have to get over is my fear. I have a major fear of rejection and of failure. I know that I must get past this if I want to accomplish anything in life. Fear is my excuse for not going for it-for not doing. I am tired of this. I want to just go out and live my life. I am going to start taking those chances again- I really want to live-not just survive as I have for so long. I want to be me-and I will be.