Love, Friendship, Jealousy

I found myself feeling jealous today or what I thought was jealousy.  It sort of threw me for a loop because I never thought of myself as a jealous person.  I always figure if someone was going to leave or cheat they would and if someone had more than I did, they just worked harder for it than I did.  It makes no sense in the world to waste my time on jealousy.

So in believing that it must be some other emotion, I was told today by a close friend that I am very emotional, I looked up jealousy at the wikipedia site.  Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival. This rival may have no knowledge of threatening the relationship.

After winding down from work and getting kids settled I read my good friends blog. I finished reading and my eyes were filled with tears and my chest was heavy.  It's an excellent blog. Most of the time very funny.  It was good today as well.  I didn't have a chance to read Mondays...well, I did but it wasn't posted when I went to the site. It was posted tonight and I read along with todays.

I thought long and hard about some things.  I thought about my relationship with this man and how I value our friendship so much.  How in another time and place we would be great.  I thought of how much I wish we were closer (in proximity).  There are many things I've thought about.  One time he referenced a friend he had.  One in which he watched a movie with and then chatted about it on-line.  I was jealous.  Most definitely jealous.  Without going into detail, I desperately want me to be that friend.  Then back around we go to unrequited love.  I've never even been mentioned as friend.  I feel so non-existant.  Now, he's a good friend to me.  He always answers my emails, gives me advice when I ask, makes me laugh when I need to and lets me cry when that's all that works.  He's never asked for anything in return and I wonder if that helps him to pretend I'm not real.

Women are more emotional than men.  Is that a true statement?  I know it depends on the man and the woman, for that matter.  I'm not really fond of generalizations, because I wouldn't want to be put in a category.  I take a lot of things to heart.  Our friendship is one of those things that I will cherish forever.  I just borke up with my boyfriend of three months.  In August, I ended a 16 year marriage.  I miss many things about both of those relationships.  I'm a self sufficient woman with a busy life.  I don't need anyone to take care of me, my bills, my home or my children.  I want someone to watch a movie with.  I want physical contact with someone who enjoys my company as much as I enjoy theirs. 

My heart ached tonight because I'm in love with someone who doesn't know how emotionally attached I am.  Who, for whatever reason, won't tell me how he really feels.  I'm guessing he doesn't know.  It's okay.  I'm going to be here checking my e-mails every day, for a non-reply e-mail.  I'll check my phone for a call or a text.  I'll watch the mail for a letter.  And I'll believe in my heart that he loved me once and never let that go.

I've never touched him.  I've never smelled him.  I've never seen him in real life.  I'm jealous of the women who will and the one woman who will win his heart and take even the reply e-mail's away from me.