2007 Resolution: To Find Myself

I am who I am and who I am is who I am, but who am I? My resolution for 2007 is to be able to answer that question with confidence. I am sick of the cliqued catch-phrase directed at aimless youths, “Just be yourself!” What if you have absolutely no idea how your self is supposed to be?

In addition, how is it that people can be so quick to tell others that they are not being themselves, when knowing a self seems to be such a personal thing? How could anyone possibly know for sure if someone else is being ‘real’ or ‘fake?’

Growing up I was always defined by my family. I was ‘one of those Badeau children.’ That’s how I came to know myself, as a part of something larger rather than a separate individual. When I was in situations where I had to reveal one interesting thing about myself, I would always amaze people by telling them that I was one of 22 children, 20 of whom were adopted and from all different backgrounds. As a matter of fact, I still do. That fact (although admittedly fascinating) really reveals little about me.

I have always been envious of those individuals who seemed to know exactly what they wanted to do with their lives from a very young age. Motivation has never been an issue for me. Direction, however, has always been my problem. Why weren’t we born with roadmaps and instruction manuals? I am not sure which is worse, motivation with no direction or direction with no motivation?

When we are young, we make tons of bold and tireless ‘When I grow up…’ assertions. Well, when does that happen? When do we grow up?  Here I am, 27 years old, and ‘all grown up’ by society’s standards, but I still don’t know who the heck I am! What gives?

This is what I do know about myself:

I am a mother to a two-year-old little girl.

I am a wife.

I am sister, an aunt, a niece, a daughter, and a cousin.

I am a vegetarian.

I am a Christian.

I am an artist.

I am a friend.

I am a neighbor.

I am a volunteer.

I am an artist.

I am a music lover.

I am an Americorps graduate.

I am a college graduate.

I am a voting Democrat.

I am the Managing Editor of the online web portal for a cable company.

I am a relationships columnist.

I am a fitness fanatic.

I am a sports fan.

I am a weight loss success story.

I am a Philadelphian.

I am an American.

I am a human being.

But what are any of these things? Do any one of them make me me? Do they all make me me? Or is there something deeper, something that’s more intuitive that has nothing to do with occupation or social status or family position? Is there something buried so deep that it’s hiding even from me?

Last year, I made the resolution to lose weight. And lose weight, I did. I shed 60 pounds from my body in a little over six months. I went from a size 14-16 to a 4-6. People that saw me after my weight loss would exclaim, “You look like a new person.” But alas…no…, I was the same old me inside. I had heard of other people losing weight and saying they felt like they had been trapped inside a fat suit and after losing weight their ‘real’ selves were revealed. I didn’t feel like that. I felt healthier, but not like a different person.

So how do I plan to go about finding myself you ask? Well, I am going to do it by making decisions that simplify my life rather than add to it. I am going to spend time alone reflecting on my past, present, and future. I am going to prioritize. I am going to cut out the things in my life that take my time but don’t engage my mind. I am going to end relationships that make me uncomfortable. I am going to face challenges rather than run from them. I am going to decide once and for all if I plan on going to grad school or not. I am going to figure out what I want my career path to be and I am not going to be afraid to change my mind (again). I am going to be brave enough to be the me I want to be, instead of the me others want or don’t want me to be.

In my search for myself, I also plan to be less petty, gossipy, and judgmental and more open, understanding, and receptive of others. Because I can’t imagine that I am the only one who is searching for meaning and direction in this crazy life.

So who am I? By Jan. 1, 2008, I resolve to be able to answer this question. I am ready to grow up.