Fecundity passes; I watch rosy youth bust out, looking for sensual healing; youths laugh, lean into one another and tilt their heads, just so - they hold hands, they're in their salad days, callow, green with fertility, idealistic hopes; they do not know which promises will be filled and which will be a hollow lie; this, they will discover late in life, as wrinkles and sags replace idealism;
Time wends its way past corners like a hungry cheetah on the prowl, time sneaks past us all, yet my soul is a solid plane, an invisible divide that remains a constant through time's journey;
I see a rainbow - mere seconds and it vanishes - its beauty a memory that feeds our hunger - I reach for the rainbow, yet this grasp is hollow, as fleeting as time itself;
We feed that terrible, deep ache within us - that voice that cries, will you sit by the fire with me tonight, or, will you sail the deep blue tides with me, can I sink into your eyes that are as deep as ocean pools; we yearn to rock the tides - to sail home, two by two, but it is not always so;
I hear fire crackers in the distance, a reminder of a ritual as old as life itself - celebrate, celebrate, celebrate.
I tuck myself in, light a candle. I see you at the door, your eyes deep as ocean pools.
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Comments: 80
thanks heather
I'm not crazy about your use of the word fecundity, probably because my medical background made me automatically go for fecal as I read and the image you wanted to portray wasn't strong enough to erase that for me.
The change from singular to pleural voice at We feed that terrible, deep ache within us seemed unnecessary, and threw me completely out of the mood I was in as I read this. Do you have a reason for switching back and forth?
I don't claim to be much of a poet, so take this for what it's worth. Did you mean for this to be a tanka and a free verse? I'm not sure how that can possibly work.
Do you not want to discuss the switch from I to we for an entire verse (after slipping from I to our once in the third verse)?
Or explain how this poem can be a free write tanka? Doesn't a tanka require that the writer use a specific format, which would preclude free verse writing?
Why do you refuse to discuss your writing?
Fave section was "time wends" which I hear as "time wins" :)
Thank you, Bert. They are not, for those who care about writing. Kathryn claims to be a professional writer. Before Gather, my experience with professional (or aspiring) writers was that they cared about their work, and were willing to discuss the mechanics of good writing. Even if Kathryn is unable to discuss writing technique, I believe it benefits the audience for others to carry on these discussions so those who are learning will understand that the high ratings on this work does not always reflect good writing.
Thanks, Bret. Glad my fecundity/fecal wasn't totally a foreign concept to everyone.
Your comment has to do with your own interior dialog.
I hear the name "Sandy" and I think of "beach." Has nothing to do with anything other than free association.
I was surprised no one picked up on "eyes deep as ocean pools."
thanks Enoch!
Your profile was the motivation for me to find and purchase a copy of Strunk and White's Elements of Style. I have much to learn. I am grateful you are here with us.
Like so many others in the English language, I've always found "fecund" an interesting word, an undeserved slightly naughty sound and a product of its etymology. I love the way you've used it here. The singular/plural thing also works: at one point you relate a personal experience and then in another you extrapolate out to people in general. Makes sense.
Also, I do not see the phrase "critique requested" anywhere here. While critiques are valuable, I tend not to offer one unless I am asked. Rules help and one ought to know them, which you obviously do, but they are not the be all and end all. To me, the point of the article seems to be to convey a meaning and emotion. In that it succeeds.
End of story.
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That you Patricia.
I was tired and wondering what would happen if I just wrote stream of consciousness; with a bit of teeth pulling, this is the result.