Of Sound Mind to Marry: A Reality Check from the Marriage Counselor for Pre-Weds

Chapter 2

The Good-enough Match

 Realizing that our relationship isn’t perfect but “good enough” is not the same thing as “settling.” To me, settling means there’s a part of you that’s impatient, a part that sadly believes this is all you deserve, a part that thinks that the lover of your dreams is either pure fantasy or already taken by someone else. I know some people settle because they’re desperate to be with someone, or to leave home, or to have a baby. But when Brad and I decided to get married, it wasn’t about settling. We had a long enough engagement so that we both realized we could be really happy with each other, that together we could learn and grow and comfort each other through good times and bad. That was good enough for me!

                                                                                    - Jennifer, married six years

 What do you expect from your partner and from marriage? If you’re like many young couples, you may feel that you and your spouse-to-be are a perfect match and that your future life together is destined to play out perfectly. In your current state of pre-marital bliss, you may believe that there’s no need to talk over boring specifics about sharing a bank account, changing careers, or bringing up kids with your religion rather than your partner’s. After all, you expect that love will conquer all…Or maybe you and your partner don’t define your emotional state as necessarily blissful; still, you love each other and are looking forward to getting married. In your case, the two of you haven’t discussed your marital expectations because, well…you really have no expectations. You’re getting married, you trust your partner, and you figure that whatever problems arise will somehow be reasonably resolved.

Although you may think that the word “expectations” has a negative ring, knowing what you expect and want from marriage is a good thing.  When we’re clear about our expectations, we’re much more apt to achieve our goals and be satisfied with the life we’ve built.  On the other hand, if we are unclear about what we want, nothing will ever seem good enough. Our desires will be aimless, and we’ll wind up constantly hungering for more than we have.

In this chapter, we’ll begin by focusing on your expectations—of your partner and of marriage. We’re going to get clear about not only realistic versus blissful expectations but also what’s actually in the back of your mind when you say you have no expectations at all.

Since the one expectation most pre-weds have is that their marriage will last—even though divorce statistics are disheartening—we’re also going to confront those stats and talk about “good-enough” marriages. Just as overanxious moms and dads are advised to stop trying to be perfect parents and to instead become “good-enough” ones, I’ll advise you to think about your relationship in terms of being good-enough. By that I don’t mean settling for someone you don’t love; I mean having what it takes to create a happy, lifelong marriage. In the course of this chapter, you’ll get the chance to assess your relationship and discover if it is a “good-enough match.” To help you figure that out, we’ll consider what current research reveals about who is most likely to have a satisfying and long-lasting marriage.

            But first…

What Do You Expect?

Most of us expect our partner to love, honor and cherish us, or we would not ask them to take the marriage vows. But can’t loving, honoring and cherishing be demonstrated in a range of different behaviors? For example, being physically affectionate; showing compassion; being a good listener; taking care of you when you’re sick; respecting your ideas or plans even when they differ from your partner’s. Which of those behaviors do you expect from your future spouse?

On the other hand, aren’t there some behaviors that you absolutely expect your partner never to engage in—like spousal abuse?

Beyond demonstrating that they love us, and not harming us physically, what else do we expect of our mates? The following are some common expectations that come under the umbrella of compatibility. As you consider these, see if you can begin to zero-in on your own specific marital desires and standards.

·       I expect sexual compatibility and “chemistry” between us.

·       I expect us to get along on a daily basis.

·       I expect us to be able to manage an argument without “going nuclear”—and to make up when it’s over.

·       I expect us to be in agreement on the important stuff—like having (or not having) kids and planning for our future.

·       I expect us to agree on how to manage our money.

·       I expect my partner to care about my family.

·       I expect us to trust each other and to be there for each other.

·       I expect my partner to respect me.

·       I expect my partner to be faithful.

Overall, we expect our mate to be compatible in many ways—physically, emotionally, socially, and practically. Whether we’re aware of it or not, we enter into marriage with a long list of unspoken expectations. When we don’t acknowledge our expectations or share them with our mate, misunderstandings and conflicts can arise.

In the following story, Rick, married for fifteen years to Annie, talks about how he envisioned their marriage and how that initial vision contrasted with the realities of their relationship. While some of his expectations were accurate—he and Annie were very compatible in many ways—he concedes that he never expected to have to be so careful around Annie when they disagree. Their experience points to the benefits of revealing your expectations to your future mate, even when you believe you’re a near-perfect match.

When I met Annie it was love at first sight, but I’ve spent years adjusting to our different ways. Don’t get me wrong, I am truly lucky in love. It helped that we came from similar backgrounds and our parents knew each other and approved of our marriage.  I guess I felt that they’d done some of the ‘prescreening’ for me.  I was grateful, because all I wanted to do was to be in love with Annie for as many years as we could manage.

One day, in our brief courtship, we went for a four-hour walk and talked about everything we had in mind for our ourselves and our marriage. I was amazed; we were in complete agreement about everything.  Annie doesn’t remember that conversation at all now and chides me for making the whole thing up.  Still, in our many years together we have done everything as we discussed that day.  I guess she doesn’t need to remember the day to believe in the things we said, that’s how honest we were with each other. 

I’d like to think that if we’d disagreed, we could have talked about it. But we didn’t have that opportunity, being of such like-minds.  Also, neither of us really knew how to talk about disagreements respectfully, because we’d never seen a discussion like that in either of our families. When I lived at home with my parents, it was more like my father crowing about being the master of the house, until my mother quietly went into the kitchen and started breaking dishes. Then she would get her way.  If that’s what honest discussions were like, then I had had enough of them.

Although my wife and I agree on most issues, we go about doing things much differently.  I’m the diplomat of the family and try to smooth things over. Annie has a different approach.  She can be like a she-lion when it comes to protecting her family or defending herself against slights from disrespectful service people, or bad drivers, or people who criticize our children.  I try to reason with our kids as best I can, but Annie is more apt to command them, which is sometimes hard for them to accept.  And even when they do it her way (which is most often a good way, if not the best) there is some distance created between the kids and her.  They value her advice, but are afraid of the strong words and tone of voice she uses to get the message across. 

I love them all, my wife and my children. I guess my role has always been to try to get them to see each other’s point of view.

For Annie and I, it’s not so much our differences of opinion that’s the problem, but the way we come across to each other. I have so wanted peace in my marriage that I shied away from ever confronting her. I guess I feared that when I started standing up for myself, she would go into the kitchen and start breaking dishes. That sound of dishes breaking in anger still haunts me, still scares me as if I were still a little boy in my mother’s kitchen. My heart would pump loudly in my chest imagining Annie’s response if I were to disagree with her.

But things have changed for me.  I’m older now, and I don’t have the patience to always be a diplomat. I find that I can get angry too—like when I can’t complete a sentence without Annie interrupting me—and I’m less apt to ‘let things slide’ for the sake of keeping the peace.

But I’ve been surprised by Annie’s reaction to the “new” me. She still went toe-to-toe with me about things that mattered to her, but she began to treat me differently, more respectfully.  She started to defer to me in front of the kids, whereas before, she always took control.  I guess she thought my diplomacy was weakness. I now realize that she has needed me to take a stand on things so that she wouldn’t have to be in control of everything on her own. If, before we got married, we could have talked about what would happen if we were to disagree, maybe my expectations wouldn’t have been so unrealistic. How could I have ever thought that things would always go as smoothly as they had in those first months of being madly in love?

I feel much less afraid to speak my mind now. I don’t have that constant need to be tactful. Interestingly, I can tell that Annie is happier with me now.  She takes my arm more readily when we go out, and she’s taken to calling me pet names again, which has been a welcome surprise.

Because Rick and Annie never disagreed about anything when they were pre-weds, they never had the opportunity to discover core aspects of their individual personalities. They assumed that they each meant the same thing when they vowed to love, honor and cherish each other; however, their story highlights the importance of considering what our marriage vows actually mean to each of us.  What does it mean for your partner to promise to love you? In what ways do you expect him (or her) to demonstrate that he cherishes you?  When he vows to honor you, how do you expect him to show it? By standing up for you when you need support? By honoring a common goal even if it means accepting the fact that you go about it in a way that is perhaps distasteful to him? When you think about the marital model your parents provided you with, can you identify a problem they had and discuss it with your partner—to see if there’s a chance it might repeat itself in your upcoming marriage?