Congrats, Northwest! You Excel at Poor Service

Dear Northwest Airlines – Recently I traveled on your airline, and I feel obliged to write this article. Service like yours deserves special recognition.

Who am I? Just an average traveler who saves carefully to buy airline tickets. I also travel for business sometimes. There are millions of others, just like me.

My recent trip was a promo fare from Nashville to Minneapolis, connecting to a small Midwestern city. Since I was saving $100, I drove two hours to Nashville the night before to spend the night and catch the morning flight.

When I got to the airport, the kiosk informed me that my flight was already cancelled due to mechanical failure. For my convenience, I was placed on the next flight -- four hours later. You can imagine my joy when my seat preferences were disregarded on this new "convenience booking." Instead of arriving at my destination at 12:18, I was now slated for 5:00. But I understood because we ALL want a safe flight.

Your customer service rep did a stellar job of looking impatient when I asked him to please see if there was an option on another airline. He labored for exactly 64 seconds before telling me, "That's it, ma'am. Sorry." So I settled in for my four-hour wait, gratified to have spent $60 on a hotel in order to catch the promo flight that never flew.

Time to board the new flight! I noticed that everyone who was bumped from that earlier flight had no trouble getting a seat on THIS flight, and the plane still wasn't full. I heard cynical speculation about this fortunate way that two flights were shoved together, maximizing your profit margin, Northwest. But unlike airline travel, talk is cheap.

We were all rapturous when Northwest's baggage scanner broke, keeping us on the ground an extra 20 minutes. Once in the air, I was deeply moved that Northwest was so concerned over my inconveniences that they didn't offer a free snack. Like the rest of the cattle, er, customers, I shelled out my $2 for potato chips. I understand good business, so I know exactly how much a 49-cents-at-wholesale can of Pringles affects the profit margin on my $320+ fare.

As an added bonus, the flight attendant was extra-brusque when shoveling out the drinks. That made me happy, too. It annoys me when I smile, say thanks, and don't get an "eat-sh*t" look in return.

The pleasures kept a-comin' in Minneapolis. Our flight was delayed again because no one was available to bring a skybridge to the plane. It was refreshing to deplane and sprint to the next terminal while dragging a suitcase and hoisting a purse. Life doesn't offer enough chances like that!

But I had 30 minutes for my sweat to dry because the flight attendant for the next leg of the trip turned up missing. Your counter rep's actual words, said while laughing: "We saw her go by a minute ago and now no one can find her! Can't leave without her, folks!"

Everyone was concerned. Was she keeled over in a restroom? A kidnapping, perhaps? The tension mounted, held in check only by your counter rep. While he couldn't say when the flight might leave, he DID pretend to offer a free ticket if someone would act as the flight attendant. He laughed with child-like delight when several people offered to accept the deal. "Just kidding folks! I can't do that!" He's to be congratulated on his dedication to humor when passengers who are running 4-5 hours behind schedule wanted to tar and feather him.

Our smiling and healthy flight attendant showed up 30 minutes later. No explanation was given, but I overheard something about an "important cell call." We were allowed to bypass an orderly, row-by-row boarding. Instead we enjoyed a surging free-for-all to claim our seats before the attendant disappeared again…before the skybridge sank back to Mordor…before the baggage scanner gave up the ghost…or before the flight was cancelled altogether. (We'd heard that happens sometimes.)

Your flight crew is to be commended. They didn't burden us with any sort of apology or explanation for the delay – understandable, since it was only 40 people waiting 30 minutes each, for a total of 1200 lost minutes. We were also spared the indignity of free snacks or soft drinks. However, we toasted our travails, er, travels, with four-ounce sips of generic bottled water, sloshed into plastic cups without ice. The water was crystal-clear, just like the impression Northwest made on its passengers.

Once I returned home, I looked up Northwest's compensation package for anything over a four-hour delay: 1,000 WorldPerks points and *gasp* a $10 food credit. I'd be tempted, but since I wasn't offered a complimentary 49-cent snack, I fear that a whole $10 in food credit would put you into Chapter 11. But I have good news, Northwest. Thrifty Rent-a-Car and Exxon said to tell you, "Thanks for the new business!"

Like I said, I'm just the average traveler, so why worry? After all, there are millions more... just like me.