My Mind is Full of Grayness

The Malaise Theory of Depression

The lies we tell ourselves
tinted in our private colors
creating intricate maps, instructions
to hold us against our will
or better angels
upon a designated course,
they creep into our
chemical soup and wiring
immersed in thickening trickery
truth becoming shadow.
Rolling downhill so easily
scratches, contusions, bleeding wounds
unacknowledged in subterfuge
"It's such a beautiful summer day."
We say, etching out smiles,
even crinkles of the eye.
Alone, in the dark, troubling dreams
fail to dissipate at daybreak.
Rolling downhill, smashing into
hidden walls, jagged rock formations
Stop! Curl into pre-born refuge.
Listening to the angry words
"Surely I am cursed, a failure."
Never let the truth break through.
We are ordered to protect the lies
as insidiously they poison
and blind us.
More easily led.
Less alive.
Stop! Look! Listen!
Feel!
Underneath the grave of lies
rich earth has secrets to reveal.
Radiant seed, planted in our birth
only we may bring to life,
if we dare move,
beyond the damage,
beyond the lies,
dancing with the shadows
into brighter days.

(c) January 28, 2007 Laurie Corzett/libramoon

Jadan - Try to replace the gray with a beautiful purple color. Concentrate on it. Take it one day at a time and keep reaching out. What would make your life better? Write articles about your moments. I hope you feel better. I think we've all been there. SAlud.

And yes, my friend, we all have imbalances of one degree or another so please - if one med does not help, ask for another, there is no shame in that!!. There are so many meds available that it makes no sense to stay with one that isn't working. Forgetting to take it? Unless it is a subconscious avoidance because of unwanted side effects, then set a timer, ask a friend to call you at the right time, you can even get cheap little plastic pillboxes with a 'beep beep' timer built in. Keep writing! Whatever you want to write! If you pray, or meditate, then do those things. Just don't give in to it.
I think that a survey would probably reveal that about half of the people on Gather have either struggled with that in the past, or are dealing with it now. And we're all on your side, too.
Wishing you the best!

I'm am not sure what to say except you are in my prayers. I know depression is not easy I have went through it myself from time to time. I mean not suicidal or anything but I did have to go to have thearapy years ago.

libramoon, I read your poem immediately after posting mine. I can understand exactly what you are saying.

Mariana, I love the color purple so will try to focus on that tonight. Tomorrow will be better as I will be around some young people and it is hard to stay depressed then. Thank you for your concern.

julian three. I have tried at least 7 different anti-depressants over the years. This one works the best for me when I remember to take it. Sometimes, I think of it but then think, "I don't want to get out of bed to go take it." I do pray and will continue to do that. Thank you so much for taking the time to make suggestions. I greatly appreciate it. I am not much of a writer; I enjoy reading the articles of others here and making comments.

Shaunee, thank you for your prayers. I have seen counselors in the past also but not recently. I think I have heard about all they have to say; the difficulty for me is implementing it!

You can beat it, Jadan. Talk to your friends on Gather. It might help. You have our thoughts and prayers.

Jadan, I don't believe the antidepressants are a crutch, but I also don't believe they are enough, especially when you find yourself sinking back into your depression and forgetting to take your meds. For me a wonderful complement to taking meds, was a therapy group I was in, where I could talk about anything and everything and get support. And listening to the others members of the group helped me to know I was not crazy, not the only one struggling and gave me insights into my own experience and choices for how I take care of myself. You may have already tried therapy, I don't know, but a group is a totally different experience than one on one therapy. If you have other issues in addition to the depression or which intensify the depression, I am sure that you will be able to find a group that focuses on those issues as well as dealing with depression. I interviewed with several therapy group leaders before I found the one that felt most right.
My feeling is that the medication makes the pain bearable enough so that we can begin to talk about it, sort through it, work through it and come out on the other side. Group therapy has helped me tremendously. If the idea of it sparks any interest at all, I highly recommend it.

Hi Jaden... I just read this and really feel for you. I was recently feeling REALLY low and my doctor was able to prescribe a medication for me that worked in as little as 2 days. It was really unbelievable that an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication could work that fast for me, since previous attempts with meds and counseling have done pretty much nothing, so I am VERY happy I took her advice and started taking it. I am one of those people that DON'T think medication is a crutch. I do know my body needs it to function properly, but it did take me many years to finally realize that and accept it. I hope you can find something that works for you... we're always here for you, a place to vent and many different people who will read and listen.

keep in contact with family and friends, it may not seem like it helps but it does

William, thanks for your comments. Yes, I do find it helpful here on Gather, just reading other articles and hearing other stories. I guess I found this site at a good time; as I have said elsewhere, I am not a writer, mostly here to be an "enjoyer" of others' works.

Audrey, I'm glad you got help with a therapy group. I don't have the nerve or the energy right now to go look for one. I basically have 2 jobs, so weekdays are busy and I also work an evening part time job. The evenings I don't have anything to do, I have a hard time forcing myself to go out.

Carol, I have one family member who is my major support system. I only have a few close family members left and have always been a loner. I have a lot of acquaintances at work but not real friends. However, when I am really down, I can unload on some of the people I work with and they are helpful.

Faith, I know there have been studies to show that there are chemicals missing in the brain in depressed people. One time my doctor put me on 2 meds at the same time, which turned out to be a disaster. I got too much serotonin and was shaking, having a lot of heart irregularities; then when I stopped the new med, I had hallucinations and severe withdrawal symptoms though I had been on it only 7 wks. I would never again take Paxil. I do enjoy reading this site and have encountered a lot of articles on depression.

Jadan, it's specified only for mild depression, and you describe something heavier. But St. John's Wort has been very useful to me. I go on it when I realize I am not laughing in the course of the day. It takes a week usually and I notice that I've laughed at something. Go on it or off it has never had any other effect I could notice.

My other thought is the old notion of temperaments. The so-called "melancholic" temperament is clearly a way of life for many people I know. They feel things more, they are alert to suffering around them. They are very dependable, but few people appreciate that they are carrying a private load. It can help, first, to know this as part of one's makeup, so that no self-blame is added on top. And the traditional balancer for this "earth" temperament is air, sanguinity. Literally stopping to breathe, breathing in strength and breathing out compassion; and figuratively just by taking interest in whatever presents itself, especially the light and the beautiful.

These are not replacement for what your MD can offer, but it can feel good also just to be doing something for yourself. Good luck!

Jadan, the universe is going to send you a wonderful friend soon, keep concentrating on the color purple, and being grateful for everything. I personally think most meds cause depression...we can go into that deeper later. Sometimes all we need is a more balanced diet with lots of Vitamin B. Just dropping in to say I was thinking of you. Keep writing and thanks for always commenting! Salud.

Stay busy also doing something you love. I was once so low I had to climb up to ties my shoes.

I know how it feels and how sometimes it doesn't even feel like anything.
I am on Paxil and I hate it. But I am scared to ween off too. Just know that you are among many who feel as you do!

Mariana, Thanks for the encouraging words. I do NOT in any way eat a balanced diet. Not that I am bragging, but unfortunately it is the truth. Gee, I would love to have a wonderful friend come into my life.

PS. Thanks for introducing me to The Funny Guy. He is hilarious. It is impossible to be depressed when reading his stories!

Terry, thanks for the encouragement. I am pretty busy caring for grand kids about 40 hrs a week. I used to love to travel but currently don't have time for that. I think I like the blue bowl and the pineapple best of your recent pix.

Stephanie, I had a dreadful time after going off Paxil. I found an internet site that had been set up by people who were unable to wean themselves off of it, even after decreasing the dose VERY slowly over many months. It is a scary medication.

John, thanks for your insightful comments. I have tried St John's Wort in the past but didn't see any help. I only got into trouble with the Paxil as my doctor added it onto the Effexor I was already taking. She thought it would help me sleep! Wrong! I was shaking too bad to even sit still!
I have done yoga in the past and should get back to that as it was very helpful, both in relieving stress and also pain.

Whew, been there, done that, and it's not easy. I've been off meds for four years now, after having been on them for about the same length of time, and having determined that in so many ways, for me, they were doing more harm than good. Getting off them was the most frightening experience I've ever had . . . although I did it slowly, I was often so ill from the detox that I couldn't do much more than crawl to the bathroom. Funny, they never tell you about that part (and of course I am aware that not everyone has severe detox reactions).

One very simple thing I did when I was at my most depressed (I was suicidal, and this actually helped) was that when I woke up, I would make a list of ten things I was grateful for. I kept a notebook by my bed, and did it right away. They weren't big things, but they did remind me that life could actually be worse, which was something I'd lost perspective about. And before I went to bed, I made a list of ten things I'd accomplished during the day. Getting out of bed counted as an accomplishment, as did making it through the day. For some reason, doing this caused a little shift in my self-perception . . . in my own case, it caused enough of a crack to enable me to make a major breakthrough later.

The other thing I did that was helpful was to start a depression support group -- no professional facilitation, just six people who talked about their experiences, and particularly their experiences with medication. We were a failsafe middle-of-the-night emergency safety net for each other. It was invaluable.

David, thanks for sharing your experiences. I have gone off anti-depressants more than once but always end up back on them. I did make a list of 5 things I was grateful for each day for a while. A friend and I would share them via e-mail. Making a list of accomplishments is a good idea. I think I will try that. Sometimes at the end of the day, it doesn't feel like I have done ANYTHING but in reality I did get a few things done, some bigger than others. I appreciate your ideas and encouragement.

jaden, there may be underlying health issues pertaining to your depression. I have a hyperactive thyroid, for instance, that keeps me tired and causes a heavy weight loss. The doctor has upped my medication which has helped a little. I was on paxil but my reaction to it was horrible so the doctor switched me to Ativan. That worked wonders on my panic attacks. Right now I am on 200 MG of Zoloft, but the doctor says he is going to try something else when I go back next. Depression is not fun, it affects family and friends as well as the depressed person.
What is amazing to me is the many doctors who do not understand depression. They can make you feel as though you are just imagining things. If you have a doctor like that, you need to find a new one who will understand that thought most people fight depression from time to time, there are others that is is part of their day to day living.


Good luck. You are among friends here so you can pour out your heart. Gather has a very supportive group of members.

Jadan, that can be a spur toward growth. You have to determine your reaction. Beyond that, there are many holistic steps you can take; one of the very best approaches is physical exercise, get your heartbeat up at least once a day for 20 minutes, fast walk or jog if you can. It not only helps psychologically, but also releases the body's own antidepressants. What better way!

Hi there Miz Jadan, you know me I just wanted to drop in to tell you that I hope you're having a wonderful day! I know we talk over at the Funny Guy's place but I like your place just as well! Salud.

Thanks Edward, Liz, Mariana and Sonali, I appreciate your kind remarks. I used to walk 5 days a week and need to get back to doing that. Right now it is hard to make myself get up at 6 AM and go out and do it, as that is my only free time. Too dark, gray and cold out. Liz, I don't have any pictures right now as I don't have a digital camera and don't have a clue how to get a picture or even another icon for my name. Mariana, thanks for stopping by. Yes, we have quite a few "encounters" at the house of the Funny Guy. Thanks for pointing me in his direction (though he may regret it after I beat him in that fight!) Sonali, thanks for stopping by. I love those photos you have online.

June, I always hoped that I had a hypoactive thyroid, so I can blame any weight gain on that, but it always tests out normal! Bummer! I have found people here on gather to be very supportive and friendly.

Hi Jadan, I hope you find the color that pulls you back. I would like to invite you over to the Visualization JOurnal, perhaps focusing on creating a mental image of your life the way you would like it will help. I will keep you in my prayers and think good thoughts for you.

Thanks, Demetria. I will come over and check out that site.

Anti-depressants aren't a crutch...Take care of yourself. Do you have a friend or family member who could help you remember to take your meds. Its OK to ask for help from those tha love you. Hope you are feeling brighter soon. (I too had a very scary Paxil experience but don't let that discourage you)

What happened to Cinnamon? Thanks for the words of encouragement. I am just trying to do better about remembering. Since I have grand kids in the house, I don't like to leave the medicines out to remind me. Then out of sight, out of mind some days!

Sometimes I feel that way too.

Excellent writing . . . understood completely . . . and I buy myself flowers all the time.

I would love for you to tag this to my room, if you like.

Jadan, you can beat this thing! If nothing stick to gather, there are tales of hope here. There are individuals who have beaten heavy stuff, illnesses, disasters but are able to write about them and this sorts of cleanses the system for them. I really wish you the very best and pray you can turn around the heaviness into something utterly productive and inspiring. Focus on those grnadkids that God has given you - they may even lift your spirit - who knows how the good Lord will talk you out of this situation. Hang in there!

Olumide, thank you so much for your encouragement. I really appreciate that. My grand kids do lift my spirits a lot!

Susan, I would be glad to do that but don't know how.