struggling with still life

When I began, I was lousy.

The images were artless and blurry. By August, I had taken more than 20,000frames since January 2006. And it's not so unusual that I delete 50-70percent of what I shoot because the camera is undeniably dysfunctional, often complicating and frustrating what should be nearly straightforward; but there are other reasons as well.

I want to be good at the things I do because it is so easy to be mediocre.

When I  began, my acquaintances laughed at me. They wanted revisionist history at time, such as stamping out all the graffiti on the John Lennon Wall or changing things to make them prettier, telling me that I should learn to do photoshopping; but I don't have this expensive program on the computer because most of the time there is no food in my stomach. So this made the ground rules very clear.

1. straight photography

2. natural light

and the second is because there are two settings on the camera that work about 40-50 percent of the time and the light meter not at all and the flash  is almost as destructive as lightning. With that kind of equipment, you have to have muc h patience and endurance to master the instrument, but on the other side of the coin, if I can master a totally dysfunctional camera, a proper camera will be pie or nirvana.

And since  flutterby season is over and I'm hungry, there has to be a way to use a camera to earn some money and although the images on this stupid box are too small; for me to send to any stockphoto or sell to an agent, I can submit them to contests to develop a portfolio.

But if ...

Everybody does some things better than others. I started shooting butterflies because I saw a photo take a picture of the day award and it challenged me to do better. So I was determined that I would get my 'fly, too. I did. I did hundreds of  'flies and literally thousands and thousands of frames. Many went to the trash, but hundreds  still remain on the computer. For a gift, I made up a small file of 190 butterflies and insects for a friend. And those were very selective images that were resized and signed.

But come winter, there are no 'flies, so there must be new things to learn. 'Flies taught me patience and breath control. There's no big whopper of a lens on the camera--it's a bottom deal pocket camera that was not meant for professional photography--I just make it competitive. There are people all over Gather and the net who have far better cameras and equipment, background and photography classes, but they don't match the work that I produce. Perhaps the real difference is that I am hungry and I set the rules in the very beginning. It has to be good because no editing in the world can transform something mediocre or bad into attractive regardless of the cosmetic surgery industry in the US or Czech Republic or India.

And like writing or singing, photography must have some kind of basic skills that can only be gotten through tireless practice and self-criticism.  A person can have a piano and great teachers, but it never guarantees a pianist--  There has to be the inner ability, discipline, self-criticism and application as well as the affinity for the art. Photography is just silent singing, just as writing is music in words. Since I can't sing and I stopped writing after suffering too much trauma, there is the camera which I can use as I exit the world ito silence.

So from 'flies where does one move because architecture is impossible to capture on this camera. Pragmatics point to still life photography because it can be applied to many different subjects and situations and could be very valuable skill. Consider food writers. How much more interest is gemerated when there is a lovely picture to go with the recipe?

And should I return to writing, how much greater will be the chances for publication if there are beautiful pictures to enhance it?  Butterflies are nice, but I don't know a thing about them.

 But still life? It can border between commercial and artistic and is valuable for advertising as well as editorial publication. It's useful for small gifts, greeting cards and calendars...

and stockphoto and...  

Well, the applications are nearly universal.

So I struggle now with learning still life which I began working with in November using natural light and straight photography--no post editing.

And although I know that photography studios have equipment, lights and cameras and filters, software and special editing programs, I have an unreliable camera with a shutter that works less than  50percent of the time and two basic settings which ar somewhat functional: landscape and macro. And sometimes, usually after thirty minutes of work, neither work because the camera  seems to generate a lot of heat and has to be turned off  to cool down again.

  Someone asked me why I insist on these basic rules

This article is my response. I wasn't always so careful about what I produced, but after two months of very competitive practice with  highly recoognied colleagues, who are mostly professional photographers with Lamborghinis while I drive about in a battered Lada. I simply had to improve. It's very nice when my dysfunctional Kodak Z700 steals a picture of the day award from those who have Canon Rebel XTs with 100mm macro lenses that sell at 500USD each.

If you tell me that I shouldn't be proud of my work, then let me tell you that in 2000, my landlord with two friends broke into my flat and stole every valuable thing I had--from rings to wine,  walkman recorders to computer--and that was only the beginning because they also stole all my legal records and identity and I was locked out on the street. In addition, I lost 2000pages of integrated textbook material for a cd program that was on its way to Princeton.

Since then, I've lived a life of dumpster-diving for clothes and it's not unusual that I skip days for food because there is so little here and simply no income to cover all the debts, medical expenses and problems that ballooned after this catastrophe. The US Embassy ws nothing but obstructive and all the churchy people were fond of spouting platitudes, but honestly none of them really reached out to feed me or help me to recover because they all knew better . God helps them that help themselves.

So it just happened that I struggled in an impossible situation that has continued until this day and literally everything in life has been stolen from me including my profession, my family heirlooms, music, identity--you name it and on top of all that my cat tortured to death.

So why should I apologize for demanding of myself the best that I can produce from a very bad situation with the most minimal of equipment?

 I ignore what I can't control outside of me an search for whatever beauty I can create because it's said in Terezin that if you  stop creating, you die.

Everyone knows that if a bird can't sing, it will die.

So I must sing, even if silently through the lens of a bad camera. It's not what I was trained for, because actually I was trained as a Wagnerian soprano in Vienna, but life rarely provides rewards for those who work their asses off and bad guys win quite frequently--  Churchy moralism simply can't efface the name of GW so easily or Rummy or hundreds of others. It's not always the good or competent who make it to the top--quite frequently it's really those who are mediocre and somewhat....   You can fill in with your own choice words.

So below are samples of still lifes that are recent..  but within 24 hours, my eyes suddenly understood what I had been missing in gaining control of light, and that I could use the wall across from the window which used  the refracted light instead of the window.

Suddenly, it was  magic for me.

goblets with artifical light--bad photography

 I brought the goblets home from a secondhand shop where I had gone for small baubles to work with for still life. Before you criticize me, I picked them up for 19 crowns each, approximtely 70cents and they are apparently sterling silver. But they didn't look like this at all--they were black, but nothing rings as pure as sterling silver.  So when I got home, I went for the Colgate and toothbrush and here is the Colgate ad:

Someone put up a pepper in a photography forum which won an award. It was green and so was I-- which prompted me to reply with an onion which took no prize, but then I learned that onions generate halos and so can be very difficult to photograph as a result of their luminescence.

 bad onions with halos

 using the window--

Suddenly 24hours ago, I  turned and understood what I had missed. I could use refracted light bouncing off the wall  away from the window.

 So I did. The rest ws magic after two months intense study of light and working  through frame after frame with onions, quinces, apples, Christmas  balls, silver  and....  uh, gold, because you see I dreamt that I forgot something at the secondhand shop and went back the next day and  brought home a set of six enamelled gold  kiddush cups for half the price of the silver.

And so I might not have anything, but what I do have I definitely appreciate.

 working on the wall

 the frogs have breakfast

The rule here is to shoot the breakfast first and then eat it, but actually it went into the refrigerator for continued session tomorrow.

the breakthrough-- good onions without halos

 and yes, I photographed the cups many times over in 24hours for a still  life competition.

but I haven't mastered working with candlelight yet...